Team America v Fifa: did the US accidentally make itself popular?

Before you get too far into this column, know that it is best read with a specific soundtrack behind it. That soundtrack? A full-throated “U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!” chant.

In case you struggle to read whilst chanting things or don’t have anyone nearby who is willing to fire off some “U-S-A’s!” over your shoulder as you read, here’s a YouTube video that can serve as an acceptable stand-in. Now turn your volume all the way up and get pumped because we’re all alive during an amazing time on Earth. Everyone loves America!* Really! Woooooooo!

Throughout most of post D-Day world history, global citizens haven’t been a big fan of the ol’ USA. If you watch the international news, the average day here on this planet is filled with a fair amount of “Death to America!” chanting and the hanging of American political figures in effigy. “Get out of our country, Great Satan!” they say. Or: “Hey, how come you won’t come help our country? Don’t make us call you Great Satan!” Or: “We were all a lot skinnier before McDonald’s showed up here. Thanks for giving us Type II diabetes, big, fat Satan.” Either way: the United States has a lot of critics among the world’s 7bn inhabitants.

But then this week happened and the US single-handedly took on one of the world’s true villains, the Fédération Internationale de Football Association, indicting 14 Fifa officials for two decades of alleged bribes and kickbacks. The US, where soccer is far down the list of most popular sports, decided to take it upon itself to save the world game. Has Luxembourg ever shown an interest in fighting the use of PEDs in Major League Baseball? Nope. But then Luxembourg is no U-S-of-freakin-A.

While the rest of the world has been busy enjoying the beautiful game, mostly ignoring the ugly corruption in the sport’s governing body as long as there was good soccer to watch, US authorities were unraveling a 24-year scheme of bribes and self-enrichment. Fifa’s grafters probably thought the US was too dumb to take them down. I mean, just three years after the corruption allegedly began, US Soccer willingly wore denim uniforms in public. That seems pretty dumb. But just add that to Fifa’s list of humiliations: they’ve been done in by blue jeans-wearing cowboys who think a “football” is an oblong ball best carried or thrown through the air.

America’s return to international awesomeness didn’t stop with spiking the football on Fifa. As an extra favor to the world, we also pissed off Vladimir Putin. The President of Russia and King of Shirtless Horse Riding said, via the Kremlin’s website: “These officers are not United States’ citizens, and if anything did happen, it did not happen on the territory of the United States and the USA have nothing to do with it. This is yet another obvious attempt to spread their jurisdiction to other states.”

Getting Putin of all people to whine about international overreach? That’s icing on America’s delicious, high fructose corn syrup-infused cake. Russian state media followed Putin’s lead by creating TV graphics suggesting crazed American bald eagles are hell-bent on destroying soccer– and possibly the world.

Even if every indicted Fifa member escapes conviction, the entire, years-long investigation was completely worth it for getting to see the red, white and blue bald eagle of death appear on Russian TV. And Putin said America wasn’t exceptional. Ha! His graphics say otherwise.

Yet the fun didn’t even end with Putin. The US took aim at another traditional world villain, the weird cat person, and built its whole case around information provided by Chuck Blazer. The corrupt Santa-Claus-impersonator-as-played-by-Topol reportedly had a $6,000-a-month apartment for his cats in New York City’s Trump Tower. So not only did the US take down Fifa’s figurative fat cats, they ended the run of some literal fat cats, too.

Fifa. Putin. Cat people. That’s a great century of work for the average nation. The U.S. did it in a day.

Not surprisingly, the accolades for the USA (U-S-A! U-S-A!) are pouring in from all over the globe. Look no further than the Guardian’s very own Marina Hyde writing from the London office: “Oh America, America, America! I adore you as the world’s policeman. Not the world’s policeman as the role was previously defined: which was to say, the world’s bungling warmonger (bunglingly assisted by sidekicks such as ourselves). As that, you were somewhat less lovable. But with this business of being an actual policeman, and hunting down Fifa felons, you are really spoiling us.”

Yeah, so that’s sort of a backhanded compliment, but it’s at least in the compliment family and it’s sure better than the usual straight criticism the US receives from overseas, right? Way to go, America!

Unfortunately, Sepp Blatter was re-elected as Fifa president on Friday, meaning the US was unable to deliver a knockout blow. Too bad. Had Prince Ali ousted Blatter behind US support, America could have retired as the undisputed greatest nation ever.

So what’s next? The Fifa indictments will fade in the news. Actual soccer matches will dominate the sports pages again. Some, or all, of those indicted could eventually be convicted and jailed. But with Blatter remaining at the head of the football beast, the same classic Fifa problems will likely continue. And before long, the world will revert back to its natural state of disliking America.

But the United States will always have that magical week in late May 2015 when it struck a blow for the world – and was appreciated for it. The Fifa indictments may even go down as the greatest moment in US soccer history. It surely wasn’t that denim kit.

*Or at least currently dislikes America a little less than normal.