Things Not To Do On A First-Date Hookup
14 Hilarious Things You Shouldn't Try During A First-Date Hookup, Ever
Whether it’s through the insane matching power of Tinder or the even-more-insane matching power of alcohol, people are getting it on all over the damn place.Despite the high rate of boning, moaning and groaning, though, the chance of offending your new sexual partner is still at an all-time high — shockingly, not everyone enjoys eating a croque monsieur while having intercourse. Which is you need these tips on what you shouldn’t do while first hooking up with a person.
1. Do It Outside
Sex in public will always lead to a heavy fine and/or the kind of life where you have to inform neighbors that you’re moving into the neighborhood. Embarrassment aside, it’s pretty hard to perfect the art of sensual love-making when you’re getting eaten alive by mosquitos. Or is it?! (It is.)2. Puke On Your Partner
You know when you’re about to puke, so if you have any inkling that you’re going to puke, then just put off having sex until all that puke is out of your system. And you've rinsed with mouthwash, naturally. A small percentage of people can still be aroused while covered in vomit and, chances are, the person in your bed is probably not part of that group.3. Dine And Dash
Would it kill you to spend the night? If you want your hookup to be more than a hookup — what the kids call a "relationship" — then take some post-coital time to actually, like, talk to the person you were just inside of. If you do not want to date the person you just slept with, then run. Run like the wind!4. Unload Emotional Baggage
Look, not everyone’s going to be in a great place when they first hook up with a person, but that doesn’t mean your partner needs to hear all about your “crazy” ex or the awful day you had at work. That’s what relationships and therapists are for, so just wait until you’re dating someone or have health insurance.5. Ask For Too Much Without Reciprocation
The more you give, the more you get; so don’t be a jerk and have your partner go to town on your bits and pieces without expecting to do the same to them in return. If you can’t handle anything past hand stuff, maybe you’re not ready to date like a grown-up.6. Unplanned Butt Stuff
Don’t get me wrong, butt stuff is awesome — but surprise butt stuff without any prior conversation really isn’t. Just talk about it before you explore one of the most taboo destinations on the human anatomy. If everyone consents, then go nuts.7. Request A Threesome
Going to Bone City is hard enough with one person, but two people you’ve never seen naked? That’s too many strange eyes affixed to your junk at once. Threesomes should be reserved for third dates and after a funeral. However, if you're going to boink two people at once, bring grapes.8. Pee
Don’t get me wrong, you’re free to pee wherever you want, but don’t pee on a person because you think they’ll like it… chances are they won’t. And most people don't ask to get peed on on the first date.9. Get Distracted
Turn off your TV, mute your phone, close your windows, and chill. You’re with this person for a night of unadulterated pleasure, and it's pretty hard to do your part when half your attention is on Bachelor in Paradise. Also, does anyone else think Chris Harrison is a robot?10. Attempt Porn-Star Sex
Ugh, porn is awesome, but — very much like professional wrestling — it’s complete fantasy. You think most women like getting pile-drived on a beach by a guy in tennis shoes? You think all guys can last an hour and 15 minutes and unload his baby formula on command while expecting to glaze his partner like a doughnut? No. Porn sex is fiction, so just do as porn stars do and pretend the camera isn’t there.11. Unleash Your Weird Side
Just because you’re into pegging (look it up) and yiffing (look it up) doesn’t mean your partner necessarily is. While you may eventually find a common fetish that suits both of your tastes, you can’t expect your armpit fetish will be immediately reciprocated — which is crazy, because try not getting a boner over a fresh armpit.12. Forget The Whole Thing Happened
Hey, like I said, intoxication in any form is a pretty easy way to break down walls and commence in some enthusiastic love-making... however, be responsible. Don’t get so partied out that you forget where you are and why you’re naked.13. Bring Her Home To Your Parents
Don't make her meet your parents. It's tough to achieve any sort of physical or mental pleasure knowing your parents are within 100 feet of you, so how do you expect to bring — not one — but two people to orgasm with the looming threat of your mom bursting through the door? If you’re into that, re-read No. 11 and then re-re-read it.RELATED READING: 8 Tips That'll Help You Not Pick Up Any Woman, Immediately
14. Raw Dog It
Seriously, wear a condom. You don’t want a disease or a baby — or a diseased baby — so just be cool and slap on a jimmy-cap. Raw dogging is for people in committed relationships who know what their STI status is.-
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