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The Husband Swap
Louisa and Gilles love each other. There's a problem in paradise, though: their marriage is going nowhere. Together, they decide to explore polyamory, the idea that it's possible to have more than one lover--and more than one love. They fall in love with another couple and, embarking on a life-changing course, try to make it work as a quad. Their journey liberates them from the constraints of their unhappy marriage and propels them into a world where they embrace a new way of loving. But this liberation comes with a price. They are challenged in ways they didn't expect, and the experiment takes them to a place they didn't anticipate. They must learn to accept a new understanding of relationships, each other and themselves.
208 pages, Paperback
First published September 14, 2012
About the author
Louisa Leontiades
6 books120 followersLouisa Leontiades is a freelance writer originally from the UK and author of several memoirs.
She is a regular contributor to Huffington Post, and her work has been featured in Salon, Nerve, Jezebel and the Guardian. She lives in an open relationship with her partners and two children in Sweden.
She is a regular contributor to Huffington Post, and her work has been featured in Salon, Nerve, Jezebel and the Guardian. She lives in an open relationship with her partners and two children in Sweden.
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Displaying 1 - 16 of 16 reviews
June 3, 2019
I've been polyamorous for over ten years, which I am willing to admit is probably why this book struck such a chord with me.
While no two people's experiences are ever the same, the reality is that many of the things that happened to Louisa, or that she felt, have happened to and been felt by damn near every poly person out there in some fashion.
I found the book heart breaking but also refreshingly honest. And it covers something you don't see very often, because people don't want to hear about it:
When poly bumps hit, and shit hits the fan and people stay poly.
The heteronormative monogamous world LOVES to tout stories of couples or groups who tried "opening up" and "failed" and somehow proved "polyamory doesn't work." (Total horses***. Tell that to my going-on-12-years together relationship that survived us going poly after only one year together).
This book shows something in picture perfect clarity: Poly can be done. It absolutely works. But just like in monogamy, things happen and the best laid plans go to hell. It doesn't mean the institution is broken, it means that very simply: life, love, and people happen.
While no two people's experiences are ever the same, the reality is that many of the things that happened to Louisa, or that she felt, have happened to and been felt by damn near every poly person out there in some fashion.
I found the book heart breaking but also refreshingly honest. And it covers something you don't see very often, because people don't want to hear about it:
When poly bumps hit, and shit hits the fan and people stay poly.
The heteronormative monogamous world LOVES to tout stories of couples or groups who tried "opening up" and "failed" and somehow proved "polyamory doesn't work." (Total horses***. Tell that to my going-on-12-years together relationship that survived us going poly after only one year together).
This book shows something in picture perfect clarity: Poly can be done. It absolutely works. But just like in monogamy, things happen and the best laid plans go to hell. It doesn't mean the institution is broken, it means that very simply: life, love, and people happen.
July 29, 2015
This book is difficult to rate. There are things I really liked about it and things that I really disliked about it. I thought it was extremely brave of the author to document her journey in this book, especially in the way that she appeared to be very open and honest about her own personal weaknesses. I was impressed with how she was, at least after the fact, very self-aware, and knew that sometimes her words and her desires didn't fully align. She is also a good storyteller; she writes with a strong voice and keeps the reader interested in the story.
However, this book could have used an editor. Parts of the story were told out of order, but with no reason that I could determine for why. In the conflict between the author and one of the other characters of the book, we get a sense that the author is in a more justified position than the other character, partially because in other areas of the book she is careful to highlight her own weaknesses, and partially because we think to ourselves: gosh, I don't know if I could live with someone like that, either. But one telling moment in the book, when all three other members of her quad tell her she needs to go get counseling, seems to indicate that we are experiencing the natural result of hearing about a conflict from only one side. And to her credit, she does indicate in the book that she understands that we can't get the other side except through that person.
I really liked that she had the willpower to live a lifestyle that she wanted despite the reservations of her family, of society, and even, frankly, of herself. I was surprised, though, by some of her reactions during the course of her entering into that lifestyle. She stated that she had online access to discussion groups and had read a lot of information about the lifestyle, but when faced with what I thought should be standard issues with that lifestyle, she almost invariably acted as if she were completely unprepared for the social and emotional ramifications of her choices.
In all, this appears to be a cautionary tale of polyamory. There is good, and there is bad, and it is good to know about both. It is very altruistic of her to share such a deep and private part of her life with the rest of us. I particularly enjoyed a comment that she made in the epilogue. A divorced friend asked her if she hadn't "proved" that polyamory didn't work (even though, interestingly, I think you could claim, at least in the author's case, in some ways it had) and she replied to the effect that more people had "proven" marriage and monogamy don't work, and yet there were no signs they were ready to give it up.
Finally, I liked reading about people who not only considered alternatives to almost-unquestioned social constructs of our day, but who also were bold enough to live those alternatives and report back to the rest of us about their experiences. Five stars for that alone.
Update (summer 2015): I am told that the book has found an editor and presumably some or all of the portions that I highlight here as troublesome have been addressed. I have not re-read the book to determine if such is the case or not, but thought I would at least note that my superficial complaints may no longer apply.
However, this book could have used an editor. Parts of the story were told out of order, but with no reason that I could determine for why. In the conflict between the author and one of the other characters of the book, we get a sense that the author is in a more justified position than the other character, partially because in other areas of the book she is careful to highlight her own weaknesses, and partially because we think to ourselves: gosh, I don't know if I could live with someone like that, either. But one telling moment in the book, when all three other members of her quad tell her she needs to go get counseling, seems to indicate that we are experiencing the natural result of hearing about a conflict from only one side. And to her credit, she does indicate in the book that she understands that we can't get the other side except through that person.
I really liked that she had the willpower to live a lifestyle that she wanted despite the reservations of her family, of society, and even, frankly, of herself. I was surprised, though, by some of her reactions during the course of her entering into that lifestyle. She stated that she had online access to discussion groups and had read a lot of information about the lifestyle, but when faced with what I thought should be standard issues with that lifestyle, she almost invariably acted as if she were completely unprepared for the social and emotional ramifications of her choices.
In all, this appears to be a cautionary tale of polyamory. There is good, and there is bad, and it is good to know about both. It is very altruistic of her to share such a deep and private part of her life with the rest of us. I particularly enjoyed a comment that she made in the epilogue. A divorced friend asked her if she hadn't "proved" that polyamory didn't work (even though, interestingly, I think you could claim, at least in the author's case, in some ways it had) and she replied to the effect that more people had "proven" marriage and monogamy don't work, and yet there were no signs they were ready to give it up.
Finally, I liked reading about people who not only considered alternatives to almost-unquestioned social constructs of our day, but who also were bold enough to live those alternatives and report back to the rest of us about their experiences. Five stars for that alone.
Update (summer 2015): I am told that the book has found an editor and presumably some or all of the portions that I highlight here as troublesome have been addressed. I have not re-read the book to determine if such is the case or not, but thought I would at least note that my superficial complaints may no longer apply.
May 22, 2015
This book is a wonderful tale of one poly relationship--or rather, of one polycule which consists of a number of relationships: each married couple, the metamours (i.e. the wives with each other and the husbands with each other), and each girlfriend-boyfriend couple, not to mention the dynamics that occur among each group of three within the quad and the quad itself. There's a lot to unpack there and Leontiades does it with deftness and generosity, pointing out not only the places where the people soared but also where those in the relationship (herself included) were small, petty, or in any way less than their best selves.
It's a great lesson for what NOT to do when opening a previously monoamorous/monogamous relationship, as well as a reminder that a relationship that breaks up isn't necessarily a failure and that a failed relationship isn't a sign that the relationship structure is at fault.
It's a great lesson for what NOT to do when opening a previously monoamorous/monogamous relationship, as well as a reminder that a relationship that breaks up isn't necessarily a failure and that a failed relationship isn't a sign that the relationship structure is at fault.
June 24, 2016
I'm really glad this book exists.
I'm not sure if it does anything spectacular in narrative structure or anything like that, but I know I couldn't put it down. This is the first polyamory book I've seen that is more about the people in it and the real things happening than a philosophical and intellectual digging into of the concept of polyamory.
We need more like it.
Thanks to the author for being brutally honest and open, and for not being afraid to show the world that polyamorous relationships can end, but that those endings, transitions, or failures are not an indictment against polyamory as a whole.
A courageous publication. Kudos.
I'm not sure if it does anything spectacular in narrative structure or anything like that, but I know I couldn't put it down. This is the first polyamory book I've seen that is more about the people in it and the real things happening than a philosophical and intellectual digging into of the concept of polyamory.
We need more like it.
Thanks to the author for being brutally honest and open, and for not being afraid to show the world that polyamorous relationships can end, but that those endings, transitions, or failures are not an indictment against polyamory as a whole.
A courageous publication. Kudos.
January 8, 2022
While this was a hard book to read it was also so valuable as an insight into polyamory. Louisa and her husband open their marriage up to another couple with an idealized vision of what being polyamorous meant. Over the course of their quad relationship boundaries are tested and ignored, fights and fears expressed, and Louise's doubts grow.
However, what I liked so much about this story is that Louisa learns that polyamory is truly wonderful and a rewarding way of life when it's done right.
However, what I liked so much about this story is that Louisa learns that polyamory is truly wonderful and a rewarding way of life when it's done right.
September 4, 2015
Even in modern culture, polyamory, that is good , mature, cultivated and loving relationships between consenting adults seems like a radical alternative choice or lifestyle few people understand or practice. "The Husband Swap: A True Story of Unconventional Love" authored by Louisa Leontiades is a surprising tastefully done and well written memoir of her own marriage and open relationships.
While in therapy after Louisa's extra martial affair ended, neither she or husband Gilles wanted to divorce. Instead, at the suggestion of her therapist they both decided to explore possibility of an open marriage. There would be rules: any newcomer had to be aware of the "open" agreement, protection, protection, protection- safe sex always, and the new relationships wouldn't harm either spouse. Later, they were contacted online by Morten and Elena, an experienced long time married couple in open relationships. Sparks flew even before she and Gilles met this couple, and soon there was an engaging loving dynamic between them all, Louisa eventually considered Elena to be her "sister wife," she loved Morten greatly and Elena loved Gilles just as much.
It seems challenging enough to find happiness in a conventional marriage and relationship, so it wasn't surprising that there were complications and issues to be worked out. At the start Elena had great difficulty being apart from Gilles: she was an extremely dramatic, direct, often uncompromising woman insisting on her own way. The relationship between Elena and Gilles was consuming and passionate, they broke-up and reunited often. Understandably this put quite a strain on Morten who needed to take time off work to console his wife, while Gilles and Louisa were gradually drifting apart.
Interestingly, Louisa wrote a well recieved magazine article in Marie Claire about her open relationship and polyamory. In public these couples were often shunned or asked to leave a restaurant if they were too visible or forward announcing their unconventional relationship status. Their families were not very accepting of their choices and voiced their disapproval, as did several friends; some more understanding than others.
As the story moved towards its fascinating conclusion, details are left out concerning Louisa's new circumstances and partners, the story didn't continue with the prior openness after a certain point. The threat to the original marital bonds were predictable, yet with all these conflicts Louisa emerged stronger and more self aware, loving more deeply and intimately then she ever thought possible- and seemed to find much satisfaction and happiness. Many thanks and much appreciation to Thorntree Press, LLC for the e-ARC for the purpose of review.
Louisa Leontiades is a freelance writer, her work featured in many notable publications including the Huffington Post. She lives in Sweden, has open relationships, and is the mother of 2 children.
While in therapy after Louisa's extra martial affair ended, neither she or husband Gilles wanted to divorce. Instead, at the suggestion of her therapist they both decided to explore possibility of an open marriage. There would be rules: any newcomer had to be aware of the "open" agreement, protection, protection, protection- safe sex always, and the new relationships wouldn't harm either spouse. Later, they were contacted online by Morten and Elena, an experienced long time married couple in open relationships. Sparks flew even before she and Gilles met this couple, and soon there was an engaging loving dynamic between them all, Louisa eventually considered Elena to be her "sister wife," she loved Morten greatly and Elena loved Gilles just as much.
It seems challenging enough to find happiness in a conventional marriage and relationship, so it wasn't surprising that there were complications and issues to be worked out. At the start Elena had great difficulty being apart from Gilles: she was an extremely dramatic, direct, often uncompromising woman insisting on her own way. The relationship between Elena and Gilles was consuming and passionate, they broke-up and reunited often. Understandably this put quite a strain on Morten who needed to take time off work to console his wife, while Gilles and Louisa were gradually drifting apart.
Interestingly, Louisa wrote a well recieved magazine article in Marie Claire about her open relationship and polyamory. In public these couples were often shunned or asked to leave a restaurant if they were too visible or forward announcing their unconventional relationship status. Their families were not very accepting of their choices and voiced their disapproval, as did several friends; some more understanding than others.
As the story moved towards its fascinating conclusion, details are left out concerning Louisa's new circumstances and partners, the story didn't continue with the prior openness after a certain point. The threat to the original marital bonds were predictable, yet with all these conflicts Louisa emerged stronger and more self aware, loving more deeply and intimately then she ever thought possible- and seemed to find much satisfaction and happiness. Many thanks and much appreciation to Thorntree Press, LLC for the e-ARC for the purpose of review.
Louisa Leontiades is a freelance writer, her work featured in many notable publications including the Huffington Post. She lives in Sweden, has open relationships, and is the mother of 2 children.
March 15, 2016
I wasn't sure what I was going to think of this book at first. I have always been a believer in monogamy, and I find it hard imagining a relationship where one would accept their partner being with other people. This books gives a very fascinating new point of view-- insight into a culture I (and from the outset, the author) didn't really know existed. I like that it isn't an advertisement or idealized how-to guide for polyamory, but instead a raw look into a real relationship- the good, the bad, and the ugly. It is one of those books that helps open your mind to think outside the social norms most of us have been brought up with. Overall, I found this story very engaging, real, and even relatable. Thank you, Louisa, for letting us readers into your adventurous, dramatic, and emotional past.
April 8, 2015
This is a wonderful, heartbreaking, and uplifting story of love, loss, and brutal honesty. It peels away the layers of expectations, misinformation, and all the ways people normally hide from one another. It's never easy to write about such personal tragedy or joy, and Louisa writes frankly and with insight that is helpful for anyone who has ever loved another person (or several persons). I finished it in one day; I couldn't put it down. It's hilarious, sensual, and refreshing. I love reading but very few books have the depth and bravery included in this memoir. If you're looking for a true tale of how to open your heart and deal with the consequences, this book is for you. It doesn't matter what kinds of relationships you have, there's something in it for everyone.
October 7, 2012
I found this to be more an account of actions rather than a story. I also found it hard to get into, but having said that, anyone looking for an open marriage/relationship should get this.
It is written from the heart and get very deep into how we love, why we love and how religions control our thinking, even when we don't consider our selves religious.
It is written from the heart and get very deep into how we love, why we love and how religions control our thinking, even when we don't consider our selves religious.
September 28, 2015
Nice book retelling one person's experiences discovering their polyamorous identity. Short and sweet, easily readable (even though almost every paragraph ends in a punchline), and shows the good, the bad and the ugly... I would love to know what the other people involved think of this account!
July 20, 2017
Eyeopening, funny, gut wrenching - this is the first of Louisa's books I ever read and a great place to start if you're new to her work - and the first on polyamory to boot! I have recommended it to many friends - none of whom are polyamorous - because it is such a good read about relationships and love and desire and she writes great sex scenes too!
November 16, 2015
On the surface, this is a book about two couples who fall in love with each other and make an attempt at a polyamorous ‘quad’. It is not quite the advertisement for the lifestyle. This is about people exploring Polyamory with a big P, as researched through wikipedia and self-help books. It is a story of perilous colonisation of a new land, where unrealistic expectations and unprepared characters produce disasters at every turn. If you’ve ever read about polyamory and though "No, that wouldn’t work, because of XYZ”? Well, in the “Husband Swap”, both X and Y happens, not to mention Z. Jealousy; unfair comparisons; incompatible personalities… This is dark British comedy á la “The Office”, exploring complicated Christmas celebrations, clashes between sincere vegans and senior executives, sexual doubts and sexual exploration etc. etc. Some problems surprise:
-
“I found them in the bedroom. Gilles had obviously been crying. Elena was stroking his hair affectionately. And under the duvet they were obviously both naked. In my panic the words tumbled out of my mouth. “Is everything all right? What’s going on?” “I love your husband,” said Elena. “But he doesn’t know if he loves me or not.”
-
Despite the odd setting, this is actually a simple coming-of-age tale. This is the story of Louisa, who in the beginning of the book comes across as un-equipped for the story she throws herself into. She is a jealous people-pleaser, full of self-doubt and crippled by social norms and family expectations. This is not the story of the rebel or the adventuress, but rather of the fool. The whirlwind of emotions that her new lifestyle exposes her to threaten to kill her. Being set in a oh-so-modern setting of poly-land, both the story about Louisa’s self-discovery and her falling in love with the ‘other boyfriend’ Marten stand out as more real and relatable than the standard RomCom. The lessons she learns are not cliché (whether seen from monogamy-land nor polygamy-land) and I felt that I had myself been changed by the last few chapters.
I love Louisa’s writing, and despite having read quite a bit of her blog as well, I was surprised at how moved I was by the end. There are few books that have made an impact on my own personal philosophy, and this one joins the club.
-
“I found them in the bedroom. Gilles had obviously been crying. Elena was stroking his hair affectionately. And under the duvet they were obviously both naked. In my panic the words tumbled out of my mouth. “Is everything all right? What’s going on?” “I love your husband,” said Elena. “But he doesn’t know if he loves me or not.”
-
Despite the odd setting, this is actually a simple coming-of-age tale. This is the story of Louisa, who in the beginning of the book comes across as un-equipped for the story she throws herself into. She is a jealous people-pleaser, full of self-doubt and crippled by social norms and family expectations. This is not the story of the rebel or the adventuress, but rather of the fool. The whirlwind of emotions that her new lifestyle exposes her to threaten to kill her. Being set in a oh-so-modern setting of poly-land, both the story about Louisa’s self-discovery and her falling in love with the ‘other boyfriend’ Marten stand out as more real and relatable than the standard RomCom. The lessons she learns are not cliché (whether seen from monogamy-land nor polygamy-land) and I felt that I had myself been changed by the last few chapters.
I love Louisa’s writing, and despite having read quite a bit of her blog as well, I was surprised at how moved I was by the end. There are few books that have made an impact on my own personal philosophy, and this one joins the club.
December 10, 2015
It was hard. Hard to read page by page and feel almost every wrong step made by Louisa like you've made it. It was very close to the feeling you have when you watch some horror movie and the girl goes down into the dark cellar to check what's the source of that noise and you yell at her 'do go there, you, fool!'. This book is not about monsters or something, it's about marriage, relationships and happiness. Which doesn't matter because you still can't able to turn away from the screen... I mean, the book.
Being serious, I can't say that 'The Husband Swap' brought me any of these 'A-ha' moments, it just reminded me that a path to happiness is not an easy road. It requires a lot of work and self-awareness to be happy as a person, single, alone. It takes even more for a couple. And it's become huge pile of work when there are 4 people in the equation. Add lack of communication and mix of neediness/low self-esteem/hidden expectations and you got a recipe for disaster. Disaster that will ruin your previous life, teach you a lot and move you to much happier state. And it requires tremendous amount of honesty and courage to show that path in details and be that open about your inner thoughts and demons inside you as Louisa did.
So, should you read it? I think so. Yes, this book is about polyamory. No, it doesn't matter whether you're polyamorous, just non-monogamous or adept of traditional marriage. Probably you'll get a bit more from this book if you're just opening your polyamorous side or starting open relationships but just a bit. Anyway this book will show you lots of 'how-to NOT', you have to just be able to see them and learn from them. Verdict: for anyone who wants to have long and happy relationships with his/her partner.
Being serious, I can't say that 'The Husband Swap' brought me any of these 'A-ha' moments, it just reminded me that a path to happiness is not an easy road. It requires a lot of work and self-awareness to be happy as a person, single, alone. It takes even more for a couple. And it's become huge pile of work when there are 4 people in the equation. Add lack of communication and mix of neediness/low self-esteem/hidden expectations and you got a recipe for disaster. Disaster that will ruin your previous life, teach you a lot and move you to much happier state. And it requires tremendous amount of honesty and courage to show that path in details and be that open about your inner thoughts and demons inside you as Louisa did.
So, should you read it? I think so. Yes, this book is about polyamory. No, it doesn't matter whether you're polyamorous, just non-monogamous or adept of traditional marriage. Probably you'll get a bit more from this book if you're just opening your polyamorous side or starting open relationships but just a bit. Anyway this book will show you lots of 'how-to NOT', you have to just be able to see them and learn from them. Verdict: for anyone who wants to have long and happy relationships with his/her partner.
October 6, 2015
This was pretty painful to read, not because it's not well written, but because it's an unflinching look at the difficult emotional turmoil that comes with the growth and evolution of relationships. It's valuable to the US reader in part due to casting a different cultural lens on assumptions about relationships -- all four protagonists, including the author, are European, and therefore have different baggage in places than American poly people. Similarly, all of the protagonists here are straight, mostly-vanilla folks, which has not been true of most of the poly circles I've socialized in. But there are more commonalities than there are differences, and I winced my way through some all-too-familiar disagreements, moments of temporary hope, and challenging adjustments. What do you do when your partners don't get along? When there's consensus among everyone else but it's not what you wanted? When you have undiscovered baggage that suddenly asserts itself? So it's a worthwhile read, and a useful set of lessons that the author (and most poly folk I know) learned the hard way, but oof.
May 21, 2015
I would say this book is for everyone. I did not think I would enjoy reading this since I am a strong believer in monogamy. It’s engaging and honest. The more I read, the more I like this memoir.
I received a free copy of this book from the Goodreads First Reads program. Thanks for sending me this book so that I could know more about polyamory.
I received a free copy of this book from the Goodreads First Reads program. Thanks for sending me this book so that I could know more about polyamory.
December 27, 2013
I found this book to be very interesting. The author notes she is only telling her own story from her point of view. Even with that one sided view, it still makes for interesting reading on the other ways 'to do relationships'
Displaying 1 - 16 of 16 reviews