Want to be liked? Then rock out with… whatever you’ve got out.
If people don’t like who you are, screw em. Okay, maybe that is a bit extreme, but the message I want to emphasize is similar.
Somewhere along the line we were taught to be ‘good little boys and girls’.
- Play nice.
- Don’t make waves.
- Conform.
- Do not stand out.
Basically be anyone but yourself. Supposedly, your life and everyone else’s life will be so much easier.
However that is a miserable way of living. For you and everyone else.
Trying to be someone else or wanting to please everyone and their mom never works.
I have learned this first hand. On not one, but multiple occasions.
Most of my childhood and adolescence I prided myself on being the peacemaker, playing rescue ranger, never disagreeing or contradicting anyone.
I was the quintessential chameleon. Mother Theresa was my hero.
Sounds like a pretty normal and drama free existence yet I found myself constantly being taken advantage of by my friends, family and romantic partners.
For all intents and purposes I was a damn doormat.
Deep down I felt like no one really knew me, nor cared to know me. It was a very lonely and depressing existence actually.
I was being swept away in the current of life, as if I had no control, toward a future I didn’t really care for. It was a good enough situation on the surface, (new house, doting fiance, prestigious job), yet I was slowly withering away inside.
Luckily I had a ‘Wake the Fuck Up’ type of experience when I attended a Leadership Training.
I realized all of the dreams and aspirations I had when I was a kid had faded to the background, and that I did not even recognize myself anymore.
It took a very drastic move on my part, but I needed to break free from the constraints I had put on myself and re-establish my sense of self.
I broke up with my fiancee, I moved to another city, I divorced myself from the toxic people in my life, I did some soul searching, I reconnected to my passions and life goals.
I basically started the journey to figuring out who I was and then acting like it!
It was a challenging and uncomfortable process, however I had committed to being myself and being fulfilled in life, and was prepared to do whatever was needed to make that happen.
What was available on the other side was amazing friendships, exciting adventures and deeply connected relationships. Counter-intuitive I know, yet everyone wants to be seen and heard. For who they really are, not who they pretend to be.
When you show up as yourself, you give others permission to do the same. Even if the way you show up is that of a boat rocker and trail blazer.
People want permission to go against the grain and take the road less traveled just as badly! I know I did.
Something I do with my clients, especially when they are getting clear on the type of romantic partner they want, is get them in touch with how they want to show up. Not just in their next relationship, but in life in general!
Here are some questions you can ask yourself to get in touch with who you are:
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How do you want to show up in not only your next relationship, but with everyone?
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What are you like when you are being your biggest and brightest self?
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What are the characteristics of your ‘best’ self?
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What are the things you are naturally awesome at?
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How would your best friend(s) describe you?
If you need some help, ask a couple of your closest and most trusted friends to share with you their top three reasons of why they think you are awesome.
Last but definitely not least … just be your damn self!
Photo—NinaZed/Flickr
I am frustrated by this advice and I am not fully sure why. Maybe it is because it seems that being myself is just never really good enough. It has never been good enough. What happens if you are just too ugly, too stupid, too annoying to be of any value? “Just be yourself” is better than pretending to be someone else as long as yourself is someone people want to be around.
That means that you are not being yourself ;-p
“Be yourself” doesn’t mean carry on doing what you have always done.
My question is are those things you mention ‘too ugly, too stupid, too annoying’ truly who you are? Or who you want to be? If so, then keep on rocking it and the people that don’t resonate with it, don’t and you will find people that will. If they are NOT who you truly are, then as Mike said above, you are not being yourself. It takes some soul searching but when you really, truly are being yourself the feeling is one of freedom, lightness and groundedness. You show up in the world confident of who you are and the… Read more »
“I divorced myself from the toxic people in my life…” That is a valuable statement…and one of the hardest…and yet, in some ways, the easiest thing to do…. When people really drive me crazy, I just do not pick up the phone…or call them….sometimes it is so hard to resist the urge… Looking back I see how I have died a little each time I gave into toxic people…and there were so many in my life….it wasn’t until I really had to face a real life-death dilemma that I finally said “To hell with all of you!” and put myself… Read more »
It takes a lot of awareness to see what is happening in a toxic relationship. Abusers/addicts are master manipulators (and the part that is crazy is they do not even realize they are doing it). And they find those of us that are easy to manipulate because we tend to give and not put down boundaries for self. In a way they are innocent because they have been manipulated/abused during their lives and are simply continuing the cycle. But that does NOT mean we need to stay in these situations. Sounds like you definitely took a good, hard look at… Read more »
Going into relationships in an authentic way saves us from trying to introduce our more “unusual” aspects months or years later when expectations have been set in place. Why have you changed is often not about change at all… Great article.
A-MEN Mark!! That to me in hindsight feels way more like a bait and switch. We don’t even realize we do it is the thing. Thanks for pointing out the added benefit to being yourself.
XO,
Natalie
In a way this ties in with this recent study; lying less reduces mental health complaints! I think we already knew being lied to drove you a bit crazy (the Gaslighting effect and all that) but it turns out being honest makes you saner too. 🙂 To quote one of the Gnostic gospels (Thomas) “What you bring forth out of yourself from the inside will save you. What you do not bring forth out of yourself from the inside will destroy you.” – it’s almost as if the Gospel of Thomas had been written by a psychotherapist.
Very true Joseph! Oh man, I can definitely attest to the ‘being honest makes you saner.’ Not having to worry about saying the wrong thing or hurting people’s feelings, etc, has lifted such a huge weight off of my shoulders. In what ways have you experienced that in your life?
Thanks for sharing about the study and the quote. 😉
XO,
Natalie
Awesome post thank you!
I had a similar moment when I just woke up and realized that if I wasn’t being me then I would never really have any real relationships.
Thanks for the comment Veronica! That is a huge awareness to have. Glad it happened. Because as humans, at the heart of it, all we really want to do is connect and not being ourselves is completely counter-productive to that desire.
So how has it been for you since that realization??
XO,
Natalie