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257 pages, Paperback
First published April 10, 2014
I dedicate this book to every day that I’ve woken up thinking that I can’t write another word. This book is for every time I doubt my ability to sit down at my computer and tell a story worth reading. This book is for the part of me that likes to prove myself wrong.
Most importantly, I dedicate this book to anyone who has lost someone that they love. For every day that they wake up gasping just to breathe in and out, sure that the task is far too difficult. For every tear they cry. For every time they think that life is cruel, unforgiving and not worth living. For my hopeful aspirations to prove them wrong too.
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People say that you can feel bad things coming before they happen. People say that we have some kind of extrasensory receptor that alerts us to danger before it occurs. I don’t believe any of that crap. Does anyone really believe that? If I met someone who did, I’d tell them the truth of the matter.
There is no extrasensory receptor. There is no contingency plan. No animal instinct. Only horrible shit that more often than not, happens to good people, and it’s all for no reason.
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We spend too much time looking behind us and we end up crashing right into something beautiful and ruining it
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“What you don’t realize is that when you walk around holding on so tightly, you squeeze all the goodness from ‘em. Understand what I mean, honey?”
I shake my head no because it’s all I can manage and it’s the truth. I haven’t a clue what she means.
“Well, it’s difficult to explain but it’s like this. You can hold onto those memories, honey, but don’t hold too tight. No need for that. You hold them too tight you’ll crush ‘em, and then they get to be something ugly. Somethin’ miserable. They become something that hurts you ‘stead of something that helps you. What you don’t realize is that whether you hold onto ‘em or not, they’re still there with you. Right there in your heart. They’re a part of you. With every breath you take, those memories are alive and well and no one ‘cept God in heaven can take that from you.”
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I used to have a great life. My little world was bright. I had no complaints. My perfectly simple life made the fall from grace that much more devastating.
All of it disappeared like vapor into the ether. I’m a lost woman, wandering through grief and struggling to come to terms with my new title: widow.
I’m the awkward, depressed one standing in the corner making everyone around me miserably uncomfortable.
Resentment runs rampant as she meets the thriving organ recipients. Anger and jealousy spiral, sending the delicate structure of Sadie’s emotions into a tailspin.
Sadie must discover the things that are vital to going on with her life if she has any hope of finding her way through the all-consuming grief that dominates every waking moment.
"Everyone was thrilled with where life was going and I was trying to adjust to sleeping alone…. I'm still here and I love my family. I just don't love life at the moment."
"How am I supposed to let go of Jake if there are pieces of him still out there, living on in some perfect stranger?"
"The heart that once fell in love with her now resides in Alexander McBride’s chest."
"A girl like me doesn't lose a husband like Jake and recover from it."
"I can't believe I'm standing here so close to Jake's heart."
"I'm the most fucked up person I know. I want her. I want the wife of the man who died and donated his heart so that I could go on with my screwed up existence. It doesn't seem right even to an asshole like me."
"I want to be touched. I want to be held. I want Zander, the man carrying my husband's heart, to wrap me up in him. I want to pretend for a while that I can have Jake back in the form of Zander."
"My attraction to Zander is so much more than physical, though. It's all of him including the heart that is now, physically his. He carries it. He is responsible for taking care of it, but it wasn't that long ago that I slept beside that heart every night. I took comfort in that heart. My world revolved around that heart. He carries it now, but I've carried that heart too. I was once responsible for seeing that it was kept safe. Just in a different way."
"Some newly discovered part of me hopes that I'm the main character in Sadie's ending. Not her happily ever after, because she's already had one of those, but maybe I can be her second chance at happiness. I think she could be mine. I'd bet on it."
“How am I supposed to let go of Jake if there are pieces of him still out here, living on in some perfect stranger?"
“I don’t think it’s a secret that I want nothing more than to kiss you, touch you, feel you. You’re all I think about…”
“Sadie Parker makes me want more. More hours in the day. More things to make her smile. More life. More of her.”
“A dismal feeling washes over me and I feel nothing but hatred for the blue sky above me, the flowers growing, the green grass, and the oblivious little birds singing from their perches in the trees”
“But knowing that Zander is out there waiting for me? With Jake’s heart in his chest? It’s kind of like he’s here with me. It’s his heart. It may be in Zander’s perfectly defined chest, but it’s still Jake’s.”
“The water is perfect. I flip the drain toggle upward and water quickly begins to fill the tub. I step in with Zander’s shirt still pressed to my face. The tub is oversized and perfect for me to sink down in. The cool ceramic coating sends a shiver through me as I get comfortable. I rest against the back of it, letting the shirt trail down the front of me.”
“I haven’t had an orgasm in two years. The last time I had any type of sexual release was the night Jake and I were shot.”
“Zander makes the act of eating look like a visual display of male perfection and all but guaranteed sexual prowess. I imagine he’s sinfully exquisite in bed.”
Though I try to get you out of my head
The truth is I got lost without you
And since then I've been waking up to
Only half a blue sky (only half a blue sky)
Kinda there but not quite
I'm walking around with just one shoe
I'm half a heart without you.... (Half a Heart/One Direction)
"You are my truth. You are my constant. You are my proof of life. You are my Vital Sign. With you, I more than breathe - I live. Please forgive me."
I want him so badly. I want to talk to him all night. I want to touch him. I want to listen to his short, choppy sentences. I want to find myself laughing at one of his jokes. I want to be touched. I want to be held. I want Zander, the man carrying my husband’s heart, to wrap me up in him. I want to pretend for a while that I can have Jake back in the form of Zander.
“Zander…” I breathe into the hollow at his collar bone and he immediately moves back from me to read my face. “Not like that.”
His eyes immediately morph into something all his own. His gaze turns fierce and determined, driven and wanton. He doesn’t say anything, just regards me carefully, skillfully interpreting my expression, the look in my eyes.
“Touch me like Alexander McBride wants to touch me,” I encourage him. “I want you. Just you.”