Don't look now, but Brad Pitt could be flirting with you. This very minute! In disguise! Quickly—shake the person next you; demand to know if they are Brad Pitt. Do not accept no for an answer. Brad Pitt is always potentially among us, according to a report by Page Six. The story goes that the actor was in line at Coffee Commissary in Los Angeles, flirting with a fellow customer. The customer introduced herself as Lydia; Brad Pitt then introduced himself as William.
The plot, it has thickened.
Lydia replied, "Oh, you look like a Bradley." Props to Olivia Benson over here for solving the case. This woman was like "I didn't watch Legends of the Fall once a week for all of high school for you to hold a skim green tea latte and tell me your name is William. Not in this life. Not on my watch."
Then, Brad Pitt, eternal sex bomb, responded "Well, that's my middle name." Then he had the temerity to wink at her before climbing back astride his motorcycle and going back to his double life.
So, I just need to know what is going on here on this day?
First follow-up question: does Brad Pitt actually know how to wink? Evidence suggests he does not:
OMG, he's trying so hard but his eyelids are like "Not today, William."
Let's look at it again:
Is this a smirk? Is this a nod? Is this a smord? Brad Pitt is a man of mystery.
Perhaps it makes sense that Brad is out here giving his real first name to normals whilst flirting with them, but tbh it seems like the plan isn't so well thought out because he still has Brad Pitt's face and also now we all know his first name is William. (Spoiler alert: I already knew that, so just try to come up in my coffee shop, Brad. Just try it.)
This story in Page Six comes from an anonymous "spy," who reports that Lydia was overly bubbly and looked like Kate Bosworth.
Oh, really? You mean to tell me a random person observed this charming meet-cute between a star in disguise and a woman who looks like Kate Bosworth and just decided to call Page Six for the good of the nation?
I need to know more about this "spy." Reveal your sources, Page Six! Release the tapes!
I think we all know who the spy was.
It was Lydia! (If that's her real name.)
I mean, if Brad Pitt tossed some game at you and then told you a blatant half-truth, wouldn't you want the world to know?
I also love that Page Six reported this encounter between "Lydia" and "Brad" Pitt with absolutely no fact beyond the spy's word. She called up the paper and was like, "Hello, I'd like to report a crime. Handsome superstar Brad Pitt was flirting with me and then I solved a mystery. The headline should read: Beauty and Brains Beat Brad. Thank you and God Bless America."
I'm not saying I don't believe the story. I'm just saying... it's interesting.
Look, I can't argue with what's printed by the Fake News Mainstream Media. If it's on the internet, it clearly happened. I'm going to close my investigation and wish Lydia a hearty congratulations on her flirtatious encounter with one William Brad Pitt.
(Walks to the door of the room. Stops dramatically. Turns. Flips open note pad. Adopts a folksy manner that belies hidden depths.)
There's just—I'm sorry—one last question I have before I go.
What name did he give for the coffee?
(Dramatic music!)
What's on the cup?
What's on the cup?
What's! On! The! Cup?!
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