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There have been many articles written about Joe Biden’s conduct in his work environment, and the usual debate has ensued: What is acceptable; who is responsible to do something about it; and does he get a pass or not. A recent episode of “Real Time with Bill Maher” addressed this, and it went something like this:
Maher: When are women just going to stand up for themselves in the moment?
Gideon Rose: It is up to men to not put women in these situations.
Maher: Men are never going to act perfectly.
While I acknowledge Mr. Rose for pointing out that the responsibility of handling the “creepy uncles” in our world does not fall on women, there were several points missed in the conversation. First and foremost, women have not “spoken out in the moment it happens” because they have had a long history of being told to deal with it, of not being believed, of being victim-blamed, shamed, and dismissed, and have had situations made worse by their speaking out.
Chelsea Handler, who was also Maher’s guest that night, did say that while she is someone who has no problem telling someone off in the moment, not all women are like her. In addition to the history of women not having been believed, there is also the reality of how we, as individuals, deal with trauma.
In my article “More Than ‘No’: How Can We Re-Write the Rules for Consent?”, I describe an encounter a friend had with a man in which she froze in response to his advances. Fear responses like this take quite a bit of work to overcome; often, it takes years. When you factor in that the unwanted touching came from a man in power, in Biden’s case, many other considerations come into play as well in regards to job security, safety and the question of “will anyone listen and do something about it?”
In my book, Man School: Relating with Women in the #MeToo Era, I detail the accounts of women who did not advocate for themselves because their experiences have been that “no one will do anything,” “men can get belligerent,” and “it would probably make it worse if [they] do push back.” Even Terry Crews’ accounts have been questioned—being a large and muscular man, why didn’t he push back? He did not push back because there was much more at play besides his own physical space, such as his career.
Who, then, is responsible? And who is to blame?
We are all responsible, and “blame” is one of those polarizing concepts that does not serve this conversation. If we want this type of thing to end, we all need to be involved. In recent years, as a parent, it has been wonderful to see my children being taught in school to advocate for themselves and to assert their boundaries for themselves and their bodies. This was missing when I was a child, and I believe it makes a difference for them to know that they have a say in who they touch and who touches them. What is missing now, is teaching them to support each other, and collectively work-together in keeping each other safe.
Bill Maher’s dismissal of where men can be responsible, by saying that “men will never act perfectly,” is, well, just that: a dismissal. We, men, do not have to be perfect or act perfectly; in fact, there is no perfect. What we get to do, though, is to get interested in each other and widen our scope of what is appropriate and what is not. We get to hold each other and ourselves accountable, and recognize that if someone is offended, feels harassed, or violated, we can listen to them and discover what actions there may be to take.
There was a creepy man who was married to my grandmother. He was old, blind and “not quite there.” Forty years ago, when he was alive, he would consistently try to cop a feel with the girls and women in my family. At that time, everyone would awkwardly joke about him while the girls and women still gave him the obligatory hug “hello” or “goodbye” as fast as they could to avoid his grasp.
If this occurred today, with everyone being responsible for each other’s safety, it could play out like this: The men and women in the family would make sure that no one would ever have to go near him if they did not want to, and he would be told to knock it off.
Often times, the people affected by sexualized assault have a need to feel heard and understood. They don’t want to have someone argue with them over their experiences. From there, we can find ways to prevent inappropriate behaviors and to correct those that have already happened.
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