For years, thirst scientists, thirst scholars, and casual thirst aficionados have been vexed by the same problem: how can one tell if a Winter Olympian is super hot underneath all that seasonally appropriate yet totally perplexing cold weather gear? Bundled up in helmets, coats, body armor and sometimes completely encased in whatever a luge is, the hot Winter Olympian is an elusive creature, like if Big Foot went to Cross Fit.
Look at this! What am I supposed to discern about hotness from this?
Mystery!
Ah, but underneath!
Winter Olympic wear is so bulky and nondescript. At the Winter Olympics everyone is dressed like Grimace on the slopes, but an at-home hottie, one hopes.
Conceivably, they are all hot because they are people of almost superhuman ability competing in Hunger Games for our enjoyment. Put them all on the cover of a magazine. But, watching an alpine skier or a snowboarder in the Winter Olympics and trying to find a warm, caring home for one's thirst can be a bit like trying to figure out which unmarked speakeasy is the best.
We have put an entire team of researchers on this subject; we will not rest until we have discovered every hot Olympian and awarded them the gold medal for Thirst. I have committed my life to this important study. If you are a hot Olympian, please email me directly. I will not stop until the truth is revealed.
Here are the results of my findings thus far:
Nathan Chen, ice skating
Don't let the fact that this ice skater is lit like the villain in an opera fool you. He is v. hot and also, seemingly v. friendly. Look at him with this excellent doggo!
Swoon.
And this fantastic pupper:
And this dramatic backlighting!
Steve Langton, bobsleigh
Wow, I know this is sacrilegious to say but I suddenly forgot who Henry Cavill is because Steve Langton is giving me such Man of Steel vibes right now.
Apparently doing a bobsled (is that the technical term) requires having massive biceps and Jurassic pecs and I am not mad about this at all. I am the opposite of mad. I will never be mad again in my whole life.
Extremely not furious.
Carlo Valdes, bobsleigh
Okay, though. Let's! Talk! About! Bobsledding!
This sport is churning out hotties left, right, and center and I'm about to hop in a little coffin car and try to roll up on Team USA to holler. I'm serious about this.
One ticket to training camp, please.
Here's Evan Weinstock again, this time smoldering through some sponcon. Whatever you're selling, I'm buying. Give me one of everything in this photo.
Quip electric set, $40
So much bob; very sleigh.
And here's fellow bobsleigh teammate Chris Kinney, making everyone feel very patriotic.
Finally, Lou Moreira, giving you the home improvement show you never knew you desperately needed.
I mean...
I MEAN!
Joey Mantia, speed skating
At first glance, Joey Mantia looks like a promotional image from a new Keanu Reeves movie called Keanu Reeves Continues to Shoot Things. But upon review, it's clear he's actually starring in a movie called What If Adam Scott Was a Very Fast Skater? This premise is a thirst dream, tbh.
Somehow, I honestly didn't know this was possible. Now I want to know why everyone isn't speed skating in suits. Can that be the plot of this next season of Suits? Suits on Ice? Think about it.
On second thought, let's do shorts. Shorts for all. Shorts forever.
Jordan Greenway, hockey
This photo is giving me major deity vibes, which is totally fine with me because good God, look at this dude.
Gus Kenworthy, freestyle skiing
Probably one of the more recognizable names and faces of these Thirst-lympics and for good reason.
Hi. Hello. Good morning. Please apologize to your HR department for me.
It's not my fault; this is how the sport is played. Blame the Ancient Greeks.
He also wears clothes and knows Alicia Keys. (Which, coincidentally, is a pretty good Tinder bio, just saying.)
John Daly, skeleton race
This photo is so insanely dramatic I thought I would never stop laughing. And then I saw this photo:
Wow, yeah, this is def. not a laughing matter.
The most serious.
Also this feels very important:
Chas Guldemond, snowboarding
Chas usually looks like this:
But is hiding this underneath!
Scandal!
Ted Ligety, alpine skiing
He's giving a little "Young Jeff Daniels" vibe, which no one would complain about.
He also owns the world's largest Biore strip.
Jayson Terdiman, luge
Jayson luges with fellow hottie Matt Mortensen and seems to be v. good at taking a variety of excellent photos with him, ranging from the super serious to the deeply ridiculous.
Terrified by the hotness!
I literally have no idea but I am absolutely here for this.
Chris Mazdzer, luge
No one seems happier to be here than Chris Mazdzer, which is great because we're super happy to see him, too.
When not luging it seems he still likes to stay horizontal:
Not to put too fine a point on it...
I'm just reporting the facts.
This is for science. All of this.
Happy Olympics to all the Olympians; bring home the gold to the United States of Thirst!
