Dear Dan, My Boss Didn’t Keep His Promises
Dear Dan,
I have to have a difficult conversation with my boss about promises made that have not been kept or fulfilled.
Any thoughts about how to properly challenge up?
Ready to Challenge Up
Dear Ready,
Thanks for your email. This situation is more common than you might think. Bosses disappoint.
When I receive emails like yours, I often begin with don’t shoot yourself in the foot by giving less than your best at work.
Disappointed expectations make the heart sick. When that happens, people often engage in self-defeating behaviors.
Don’t:
#1. Don’t challenge your boss if you have the reputation of being a complainer. After reflection, if you aren’t sure if you’re a complainer, you probably are.
Shift your reputation to a positive contributor before challenging anyone.
#2. Don’t challenge your boss publicly.
Protect your boss’s reputation unless they’re engaged in illegal or immoral behaviors.
- There’s a difference between publicly challenging your boss’s performance and offering alternatives for discussion in meetings.
- Don’t copy the team when you challenge the boss in an email. Embarrassing the boss is petty revenge. If the boss made a public mistake, let them publicly fix it. Drama is a distraction.
- Don’t go to your boss’s boss until you speak directly to your boss. If you can’t find resolution, explain that you’re escalating the issue. Don’t sneak behind anyone’s back.
#3. Don’t speak for others when challenging the boss.
Avoid saying, “Everyone thinks you’re making a big mistake.” When you complain to the boss on behalf of capable others, you encourage gossip, disloyalty, and complaining. In addition, you put yourself in a losing position.
#4. Don’t globalize by using terms like, “Always.”
#5. Don’t use a boss’s blunder as an excuse to violate common courtesy. You don’t have the right to be a jerk-hole because you have a jerk-hole boss.
Do:
#1. Define the win before you begin.
What are some good outcomes? Sometimes people are so consumed with what they don’t want that they forget to define what they want.
#2. Make “I” statements, not “You” accusations.
#3. Work for the advantage of your boss and your organization. Self-serving confrontations lower your standing. How is your boss advantaged by listening to your challenge?
#4. Assume they’re trying to serve well.
#5. Give your boss a heads up. Let them know what you plan to discuss BEFORE you show up. No one likes feeling blindsided.
#6. Stick to one issue. Your boss may have made the same mistake several times. You waited hoping things would get better but they didn’t. Stick with the most recent offence.
#7. Practice curiosity. Ask questions that begin with ‘what’ or ‘how’, not ‘why’?
#8. Offer solutions and alternatives.
#9. Get right to the issue. Don’t beat around the bush. Declare your concern at the beginning. Spend most of your conversation generating and exploring solutions.
#10. Test drive your confrontation with an unbiased outsider. Don’t use your spouse or friends.
Broken promises:
Some bosses make foolish promises. The promise of a promotion, for example, is a foolish promise. The future is uncertain.
Don’t stay with a job because you were promised a promotion. If the only reason you’re staying is the promotion, seek a promotion elsewhere. If you find an opportunity, TAKE IT.
You may say, “But I like my company.”
Decide what you like more, a promotion or your current company.
Understand that your boss probably made the promise sincerely. This goes back to item #4 on the ‘Do’ list. If your boss is intentionally deceptive, find a new boss.
Book:
Finally, I just finished The Courageous Follower by Ira Chaleff. Ira has studied followership over 20 years. His work is powerful. He has a guest post scheduled for this Wednesday here on Leadership Freak. His latest book is Intelligent Disobedience.
What suggestions do you have for Ready to Challenge Up?
*I suspend my 300 word limit on weekends.
As a boss, I know that the one time I was confronted by an employee about an alleged broken promise, it was done poorly and in the end, did not work out well for the employee. She interpreted — “I try to give bonuses at Christmas” as she was definitely getting a bonus at Christmas. So yes, I know bosses do break promises, but please be sure it was a promise before having the conversation. And I had given this said employee an unscheduled raise two weeks prior and never received a thank you.
Thanks Lori. I’m so glad you joined in today. You remind me that a casual word can sound like a promise. We hear what we want to hear.
Thanks again for sharing your insights.
I’m careful to manage my expectations of senior colleagues. Sometimes “promises” are like a sales gig: there’s a drive to “close the deal” with you, and worry about how to deliver it later.
Thanks Mitch. Dangling carrots often brings disappointing results when things don’t work out.
Challenge up,
Dan has made a lot of great points.-Be professional, be respectful etc.
To add to Dan’s list….
I would go into the meeting with the goal of getting the facts from your boss’ point of view.
1. Does he/she agree a promise was made.
2. Are there factors that influenced why the promise wasn’t kept. (budget cuts, new senior leader etc.)
3. Is the promise still valid and just the timing has been delayed.
4. What are the opportunties going forward.
Always good to get all the facts before you jump to any conclusions.
Lori’s scenario is an excellent example for consideration, in that
As leaders, we must anticipate that stated strategic objectives (i.e. policies; e.g. timing of rewards and benefits) – which are necessarily dependent on a variety of external (impersonal) influences – can often be (and will be, in most cases) inverted into tactical (personal) expectations …
a type of denial (of complexity), actually …
that makes a general statement of intent into a specific result – a promise, so to speak – so
It may be better, as a leader AND as a follower, to
adopt an attitude less of “challenging upward” and more of curiousity and
“exploring upward” with dignity and respect on both sides, e.g.
“How is it that our understanding has diverged when it should be converging?”
This type of DIALOGUE (two-way exchange of viewpoints/worldviews)
ilo one-way “conversation” (authoritarian requirement to “just listen” or give directive) or reactionary defensiveness
most often exposes unwarranted biases (of expectations and “promises”) on both sides …
and that what may an issue for one (personal, though perhaps distorted), may be an unspoken issue for many,
and should be addressed in a larger, more strategic, dialogue.
It can be exhausting, but, hey, that’s why we lead people … rather than be just a boss in impersonal, incomprehensible, and ultimately indefensible system. It’s not something leaders should delegate to HR. … IMHO.
Your blog has taught me to think deeper. Trusting in what the boss may have said may not be enough. I would ask the boss to put the promise in writing or e-mail.
Evidence is powerful and can avoid awkward moments of “you said”, The boss can denied it or say you misunderstood what was being promise, as time goes by the memory becomes blurry.
I appreciated the question and the answer!! I’m also learning to understand my boss in the context of their story. This doesnt change disappointment but its helped me to communicate clearly and continue to state my needs with kind, but firm, respect.
Dan,
Well thought out points.
Most importantly don’t make promises you can’t keep or have no intentions on delivering. This works on both sides of the table.
Meetings should be straight and to the point as you mentioned, remember to be respectful during the discussion.
Keep the conversation meaningful with good intentions of coming to a reasonable resolution.
Best of luck.
Dear Dan,
An interesting conversation and the guidance!
Bosses do promise certain things whenever they have important projects in hand to encourage any individual or group of staff to complete them in time. It’s more of giving good enthuism and push to the people to perform their best. It’s a natural phenomenon! However, the followers get their disappointment when the promised things are not delivered.
Even, the bosses hands are tight since they can’t do much independently except recommending since they are governed by the company’s overall health and internal policies of promotion and increments.
A good professional boss will act smart by not committing any monetary benefit or promotion kind of promise. He would publicly admire and compliment the winners on their achievements as his appreciation.
Good competent staff will always wait for right promotion within for a reasonable time or else move out grabbing the available opportunity. Nothing wrong than mere grumbling!
You’ve done it again – as we regular leaders have celebrated at least most of the time … While this post deserves and will receive more careful, deeper Consideration from me, I was particularly drawn to “#3. Work for the advantage of your boss and your organization.”
Why? Back ‘when dirt was clear – you remember, so long ago it wasn’t dirty yet’ when I was an undergrad or grad engineering student. At the time, I subscribed to a publication that was free to engineering students / young engineers. I’ve never been able to discover again what the title of the publication was or who published it (anyone who knows, help would be apptrciated; it was in the 1960s).
One of the monthly features was suggestions as to how to be a successful engineer. One month, I remember, the suggestion was “Make sure your efforts are guided, among other considerations, by efforts to make your boos look good.” It was NOT suggested in the ‘brown-nose’ thinking. Getting a useful outcome from your efforts and other considerations were / are clearly more important. I remember it being along the lines of controlling your ego, acknowledging consistent effort to get your boss’ input / feedback. Hence it, I believe, it is very aligned with #3. Don’t make your efforts ‘advantage me’ – trust that your good work will be acknowledged at some point, advantage ‘me.’ This presumes of course that you’ve done your homework and your boss can indeed be trusted.