Dearly beloved, I mustache you how you are coping now that Henry Cavill has shaved his luxurious and controversial facial hair? Surely you received a push notification on your phone (a brush notification?) alerting you to this stunning development. His upper lip, so comfortable a home for a healthy harem of bristles, is now bare, with nair-y a hair to be found. It's a tough moment for the world at large. I feel as if every follicle has been plucked directly from my heart.
This was Henry up until just a few days ago:
Unf.
And this is Henry Cavill today:
Still unf, actually. Turns out he's just a v. v. hot man. Who knew?
But Henry Cavill hairs our lamentations about the loss of Stachey, the mustache so virile and prominent that it defeated the powers of CGI:
The 'stache was part of his costume for Mission: Impossible and accompanied the actor when he had to return to the set of Justice League to do reshoots, hence the failed CGI. Honestly, I would have enjoyed Justice League so much more if Superman had randomly had a power 'stache in various scenes, even switching from barefaced to Tom of Finland within the same scene. I would give that movie five stars and all the beard oil I could get my hands on.
But, now it will never be. His clean-shaven Clark Kent face is back and while it's wonderful to be able to study every perfect pore, I do miss Stachey.
Fortunately, Henry Cavill knows that Stachey is #ShavedButNotForgotten and created a memorial video for his former facial companion. And this video! It's too much. Honestly, this is me watching Henry Cavill memorialize his mustache.
I've been staring at my phone for hours, my tears illuminated by the flickering light of Instagram, ruminating on the beautiful connection between Henry Cavill's hairs and Henry Cavill's skin. And then I pull myself together and think about how lucky I am to have ever seen the mustache in the first place. And here we are, with Henry Cavill in a bathrobe and a towel on his head; what a time to be alive. What a brave new world, to have such images in it.
Wow, every person in every sauna on Earth is cancelled. Amazing.
Let's revisit:
This video, like Henry Cavill's mustache, is so delightfully extra, so well-produced, and cannot be affected by CGI. And the fact that he accompanies a retrospective mustache slide show with "I Will Remember You" by Sarah McLachlan, certified as the saddest song in the world? It's too much. It's all too much.
But I get it. Times change, fashions change. Perhaps Henry Cavill wants to be "cool for the summer," as his number one fan Demi Lovato put it. Can't argue with that. Still, it's sad to see Stachey go.
I will never forget you, Stachey. Thank you for bringing joy to our lives and stress to the lives of the producers of Justice League. Thanks for sopping up the collective thirst of the internet.
And, Stachey? I know you gotta go but... Don't be a stranger. Come back soon.
I'll be right hair. Waiting for you.
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.
