Look. Summer is coming and you need to be prepared. Today seems like the perfect time to discuss hard truths about one of the most important topics in the public sphere today: pool floats. You won't hear the truth from the mainstream media and I'll be surprised if I get through this whole article without being shut down by Big Pool but it's time we got down to the nitty-gritty of it. Pool floats are terrible.
Get this swan out of here. Call the Coast Guard. Call animal control. Call Natalie Portman.
I'm not talking about inner tubes. Inner tubes are fine. No one hates inner tubes! Inner tubes fit in a swimming pool without displacing half your party. Inner tubes are great for winding down a lazy river or being swept out to sea from the beach. Inner tubes are a dream! No one is mad at inner tubes.
I am, however, mad at pool floats.
There's a new rosé float out and about. Or should I say a rosé floaté? No. I will not say that. I will call the police if anyone ever asks me to call a float a floaté.
Anyway, the madmen over at Amazon.com are really trying it with this device. Yes, I know we are in a rosé momenté. Yes, we will all be sitting poolsidé drinking Yes Way, Rosé with our pinké up. But what we will not be doing is, enjoying the crisp, fruité refreshment whilst trying to balance on a bottle-shaped pool float. No wé, rosé.
I will never get on a pool float. I would rather try to fight Billy Zane for access to the lifeboats on the Titanic than get on a pool float. Are the pool floats going to be sorted by class? I think not.
This rosé float is 7.5 feet tall. SEVEN FEET AND SIX INCHES. Who's lying in your pool, Dikembe Mutombo? What is happening here?
The Rosé Floaté, Amazon.com, $44.99
But it's not just the fact that it's a 7.5 foot bottle that gets my goat. Pool floats come in all sorts of shapes not found in nature.
Pizzas! Margaritas! Contiguous 'Murica!
You can even get one that's a Gucci Mane ice cream cone and honestly I'm so perplexed I almost want it.
Gucci Mane Pool Float, Cool-inn, $68
But no! I will resist. On principle.
Pool floats are just too much. They're cute, they're fun, they're a menace to summer and I won't stand for it. Quickly, before the CIA cuts my wifi for telling the truth, I'll give you my reasons.
1. They're too big. Oh, you're supposed to use them at the beach? Then why aren't they call ocean floats? Ya burnt. Second of all, even at the beach you are taking up too much room. I know that the sea level is rising, Clarence, but it's not rising fast enough for your 6-foot tall flamingo not to be a huge inconvenience.
And look at this one! This is a damn winged unicorn that sits six adult human people! What a nightmare! That's not a float, that's a boat. There's already a word for it and that word is boat. How dare literally everyone involved in this. This doesn't look structurally sound. This belongs in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade being toted down the street by a convertible, not in my waters. No thanks.
That unicorn is mad cute but also an assault on my senses. Unless this thing is starring in a Squatty Potty commercial, I want it out of my face. Do you know how long this thing must take to blow up? It will be fall before you are done.
The giant unicorn pool float (they don't even bother to photograph it in a pool! How dare!) is available from Sam's Club. It also comes in two other nightmare iterations: flamingo and peacock.
Party Bird Island, Sam's Club, $149
Good news if you're trying to put together a flotilla. Bad news if you ever want to come to my house.
2. They're unwieldy. You ever try to climb into a pool float with any sort of grace? Forget about it. A pool float is actively working against you. A pool float is like roughly half of Congress: it does not have your best interests in mind and it would not mind if you sank.
How would you approach this gathered hoard? The answer is carefully and with a great deal of aggression.
A pool float is trying to resist you. You are the enemy of the pool float. When the pool float takes on human weight it makes floating harder. You are the disrupting force in a pool float's universe and you must be quashed. Why haven't we listened to Dr. Ian Malcolm?
Your pool float scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should!
3. Hard to look sexy. This is the most important part. You ever try to look like anything other than a slowly melting puddle of pudding on a pool float? Very hard to do! A pool float demands that you lie still for fear of capsizing and that you distribute your weight. You might as well put a medical exam table in your pool; you'll look the same. And don't even think about rolling over! If the thought even crosses your mind, you're going in the drink.
This may look relaxing, but she is struggling. This is not a carefree day at Melrose Place. This is a cry for help.
I've said too much. There's a inflatable flamingo ramming its way through my window. It's skin is unpuncturable! It's cry is terrifying! Avenge me! Carry the message! Pool floats super suck!
