Hello, it is I: Ivanka Trump, science nerd! I have to tell you, I had the most delightful time at the science place doing science things yesterday. I was in Iowa talking #WorkforceDevelopment and infrastructure on behalf of my good friend, @realdonaldtrump. During the visit, I got a chance to do one of my favorite things: science!
Allow me to paint you the picture. So we walk into this science store: very nice, expensive. Beakers everywhere. A table like you'd put a raw bar on. But there was no raw bar! First clue. I love a theme so I came in high science drag. I was very ready to do the science.
Some have expressed surprise that I am such a nerd about science (did you notice the glasses? OMG, such a nerd about science.) It's a common misconception that this administration is anti-science. We're not. We're anti-Fake-Science. Science that we agree with is totally great. And we have wonderful relationship with many science people.
For instance, we love Tony Stark. Very rich. Man. Egomaniac. Fun to watch on screen but honestly probably a nightmare to be around. He's our favorite. Other scientists we enjoy: Frankenstein, whoever Coldplay was singing about in the song The Scientist, and of course, Goth Lady from NCIS.
Don't mention Goth Lady around Mike Pence, though. He just mutters "witchcraft" and storms away.
Oh. Sorry, we don't say the word storm anymore, either.
Good thing climate change isn't real. GENUINE LAUGH.
Anyway, so I'm at the science ball and everyone's costumes are so good. Latex gloves. Messy hair. Poor. They say, "Do you want to science some things?" And I say, "Oh yes! Love to science. Very lab coat." Which is how they know I am real.
I say, "Should I pour this liquid into this beaker?" And they say, "No, that is a Snapple from someone's lunch." And I say, "Better test it to find out! GENUINE LAUGH." And they shake their heads because sometimes I am misunderstood.
The science people handed me two tiny vials and then spoke a lot about details and, confidential between you and me, it was very boring. I looked at the camera, said "alohamora!" and poured one vial into the other. What great sciencing!
The vials contained vape juice, but please do not tell Mike Pence about that. Vaping is witchcraft.
The science people asked me why I said "alohamora;" I was very embarrassed. "Should I have said 'wingardium leviosa' instead?" They told me I didn't need to say anything at all. That doesn't make any sense to me. Actually, I've decided I'm quite angry about it. I'm taking a stand. If you don't say a special word when doing the science, how will it work? That's just facts.
I asked the science nerds to explain themselves under threat of prosecution by the DOJ. They said science doesn't need spells. I said, "First, please don't say spells; it upsets Mike Pence. But, confidential between you, me, and Robert Mueller eventually, that's what this is, right? Witchcraft?"
You'll never believe this but they said, "No! This isn't witchcraft."
I said, "Then why am I in a witch costume?"
They said, "That's a lab coat. And it's white."
I said, "Of course it's white. I'm a good witch."
I told them, in no uncertain terms, that this was definitely not as fun an experience as when I picked out a wand at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. They said that's probably because they were a research lab and the Wizarding World is an amusement park built on illusion. That may be true, but the Wizarding World gets funded, so, who's the science magician now? I said, "you should put some illusion into your science. And also see if you can prove that our National Parks would be better off as apartment buildings. Science it up."
They asked me to leave the science store. And so it is my patriotic duty to inform you that science is now outlawed.
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.
