Brett Berk

The Gay Uncle was thrilled to find, in today’s New York Times, an article about the capture of a dangerous juvenile criminal–one Zachary Christie–who was apprehended and removed from his first grade classroom for possession of a deadly weapon. Little Mr. Christie–a.k.a. Zach Attack–had recently joined a paramilitary organization (code name: “The Cub Scouts”) and, intoxicated by the hazing rituals enacted upon him there, brought forth this evidence in the hopes of using it to attract and recruit additional members. Secreting it somewhere on his person, he managed to escape the probing hand of school security, and once safely inside, extracted the item and began displaying it to his impressionable classmates. The Gay Uncle cannot confirm rumors that one of his peers may have said, “Ew. It smells like poopie.” Or that another may have said, “Lincoln is the capitol of Nebraska.” He also cannot confirm that Zach expressed his plans to “shank a bitch” during lunch when “the screws were on their prep period”. Nor can he confirm that the source of this vendetta involved an unpaid meth debt. (Eyewitnesses reported that the boy may have said “math”.)

What Gunc can confirm is that this kind of zero tolerance policy is obviously necessary and 100% effective, just like the zero tolerance/mandatory sentencing policies that have been carried out in other realms like drug crimes, or teen intercourse. He’s thrilled to see these practices trickling down and being applied to the youngest trouble makers. Kudos to the Christina, Delaware school district, and those on the front lines everywhere. It is only through their vigilance that we can stem the tide of the total social breakdown.

Photo Credit: Mustafah Abdulaziz, New York Times