We need to have a national conversation about the egregious level of disrespect we've given to the legacy of our greatest president, Thomas J. Whitmore. A Gulf War veteran who was elected in 1992, Whitmore (also known as Bill Pullman) led the world to victory over an invading race of space aliens in 1996. And yet I'll bet you haven't thought about him once today. Shame. Shame!
Where would we be as a country, nay, as a world if it weren't for the greatest speech that has ever been given outside of any award show attended by Viola Davis?
If you're not standing and screaming by the end of that speech, I question your patriotism. Why do you hate freedom? See you in court!
Bill Pullman is our most inspiring white president. He is deeply human, which is helpful when fighting aliens and also in general. The documentary Independence Day begins with talking heads on the news complaining about his less than 40% approval rating, which seems astoundingly low for someone who fought in the Gulf War and doesn't tweet out hate speech on a daily basis, but the '90s were a simpler time, I guess. Despite what the film describes, frankly, as well-intentioned incompetence, he is surrounded by intelligent, powerful women including his communications director, Constance Spano, his wife, Laura Roslin, and his daughter, Egg from Arrested Development.
It's actually kind of amazing that a veteran fighter pilot in peace time is so reviled by the country. Then again, it's actually kind of amazing that a bully who yells at the television all day is not more reviled by the country. So, whatever, bring on the alien invasion, I guess.
As you may recall, prior to becoming president, Bill Pullman was Meg Ryan's lackluster boyfriend in Sleepless in Seattle. In yet another instance of the '90s being peculiar, his primary character fault was that he was allergic to a lot of things. They were engaged to be married and Meg Ryan bounced because he couldn't be around dogs. It's not like she was starring in the movie Must Love Dogs, in which the conflict of an allergy is built into the title. She's just over his whole deal. Nowadays, food and environment sensitivities are pluses for most people. Half your friends probably met on Gluten-Free Mingle.
Sleepless in Seattle is an incredible documentary about an insane woman who hears a sad man's voice on the radio and then stalks him until he and his son agree to go on a date with her. It is worth noting that she is also a journalist who has plenty of personal time off at her disposal.
Anyway, all of that is in Bill Pullman's past when the aliens first arrive on Earth, threatening our very existence. The president (who, in the intervening years, apparently started working with a great allergist) knows that he cannot solve this problem on his own. So, he does what all of us do when imperiled, he turns to his sexy friend Jeff Goldblum.
Goldblum, who can always be counted on to save the human race from all manner of terrifying creatures while remaining a stone-cold fox, devises a plan to defeat the aliens after Bill Pullman's many military solutions come up short. There's a metaphor in there about science and reason versus brute force, but if we didn't learn it then, I'm not sure we're going to catch it now. Bring on the alien invasion, I said!
Goldblum tells Pullman that they need to give the alien ship a cold because people in the '90s didn't understand what computer viruses were. Fortunately for them, the alien race had just repealed their national health insurance and so were extremely susceptible to treatable illnesses. Go America!
To prepare for the last ditch effort, Bill Pullman gives what, again, is one of the greatest speeches ever written. I wish someone would get up on the campaign trail and just say this verbatim. I would donate every dollar I have to them. Are you listening, Kamala Harris? All you have to do is scream into a microphone about how we will not go quietly into the night and I will lose my entire mind.
I don't understand why Bill Pullman isn't on Mount Rushmore. He defeated the aliens. What else do you want, people? More importantly, he gave us an enduring image of what true leadership, inspiring extemporaneous speech-making, and the power of globalism really looks like. This is leadership that we should all hunger for. This is the country that we should aspire to be. For even though we stumble through a dark period right now, we are resilient. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united by our common interest. We are fighting for our right to live, to exist. We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to fight!
ALL HAIL BILL PULLMAN!
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