This weekend, photographers caught unlikely hookup friends Kate Beckinsale and Pete Davidson playing "Seven Minutes in Heaven" during a game at Madison Square Garden. In addition to graphically illustrating the two celebs sucking face so hard they could taste each other's breakfast, but the shots caught innocent bystander Antoni Porowski, of Queer Eye fame, looking like the kid brother who just stumbled into a high school party and has a lot of questions. I relate to this deeply.
One, there is so much tongue in this photo I feel like I'm at a Kiss concert. Yikes! Computer, erase!
Two, Antoni in this photo is 100% me every time I go to a straight bar. Or a sporting event. When asked for comments by reporters, he surely answered, "How do you think I feel? Betrayed. Bewildered." Very same.
Look, I am very happy Ms. Beckinsale is getting her swerve on with B.D. Pete but this is so much. Right in front of Antoni's salad? That's a spicy guacamole is all I'm saying.
What's perhaps best about this whole image is the dramatic difference in the range of experiences had by the three celebrities. And how inappropriate all of their reactions are to a sports game.
On the right, Kate and Pete are in the throws of ecstasy, canoodling and turtle-doving like they're sitting in the back of an illegal horse-drawn carriage in Central Park or an Uber leaving a bar at about 1:45 a.m. We've all been here before, that level of randiness that prompts us to abandon all self-regard and shame. It's that thing where you're out for your anniversary and you've had two glasses of Prosecco so you know it's on and poppin' and suddenly "Drunk in Love" comes on and next thing you know, you're rolling around on the floor at a Dave & Buster's. It's more common than you think.
It's gratifying to see that stars are just like us: totally gross for no reason.
On the left, Antoni so intensely wants to be excluded from this narrative that he has fully disassociated. He started off distracting himself by thinking about a recipe which led to him making a grocery list which led to him wondering if the yogurt in his fridge is still good which led to wondering what the difference between yogurt and yoghurt is which led to him thinking about yoghurt as a yog that was hurt and that made him sad. It's more common than you think.
Actually, real talk, he probably just remembered something that happened in A Little Life and totally spiraled. I feel this deeply. I feel it as deeply as Pete Davidson's tongue feels the tonsils of Kate Beckinsale, who conveniently has a new series, The Widow, premiering on Amazon right now.
In any case, I hope Antoni was able to escape his mind palace and wipe these images from his memory. And I hope that Kate and Pete eventually found a room or at least the back of a cab. One thing is for sure: none of these people has any idea who won the game. Very same.
