U.S. Deputy Assistant Secretary George Kent spent the first day of the impeachment inquiry straight guzzling from a Nalgene tall boy of water on national television and I have never been more inspired in my whole dang life. The bow-tied bureaucrat took 48 ounces of pure H2O to the head over the course of the hours-long testimony leaving me, yes, I'll say it again, quid pro quenched. Am I thirsty for impeachment? Yes indeedy. Am I thirsty for anything else? Not after pounding a liter and a half of aqua like my boy George over here. I am hydrated as hell and ready to take on corruption and/or dry skin!
I am truly, deeply, madly obsessed with the prominence of George Kent's absolutely gargantuan Nalgene during his time in front of the House Intelligence Committee. Who is this water bottle's agent because it showed up in every shot. This water bottle books!
Here's George Kent pledging allegiance to getting eight glasses a day.
Here's a dramatic still from the excellent Sally Field film Not Without My Water.
Not to sound like Japeth, Noah's arc-bound son who had a gift for stating the obvious, but this is just so much water.
Politics aside, if I saw a witness stride into a hearing with a full wide-mouth 48-ounce Nalgene Silo, sit down, unscrew the lid, leave it unscrewed (!!!), and proceed to take generous sip of it throughout his testimony whilst staring me directly in the face, I wouldn't even need to hear testimony. I'd be like, "Case closed. Lock them up. Whoever this dude says, lock them up. He's got the enormous bladder of a true patriot."
Lizzo: Baby, how you feelin'?
George Kent's Bladder: Feeling full as hell!
This big honkin' water bottle is so impressive that the lawyer for the Republicans, who I believe is Nicholas Cage playing Castor Troy from Face/Off, took one look at it and threw in the towel. He was like, "Our defense doesn't hold water, but this does! This witness is slaked! Time to slowly deflate in my chair like an unruly preteen at a required family dinner."
Today's hearing wasn't even the first time George Kent wanted to get the gentle sloshing noises of 48 ounces of liquid on the Congressional record. On October 15, sporting a different bowtie, he toted the Nalgene to a closed session of the House Intelligence Committee. Consistency!
In all seriousness, it is deeply inspiring to witness George Kent becoming the first person to finish one of those gigantic water bottles that everyone at your office is always half-drinking and then dumps into the sink at 5 o'clock, only to come back the next day with another bottle full of dreams. This man rolled up to Congress with all the hydrated energy of an REI employee on a rock-climbing excursion, Tevas straight up flapping with the earned confidence of a man who will not be bested by any line of questioning, any weird WhatsApp from Rudolph Giuliani, or any amount of liquid.
QUENCHED.
