In her book Edge States, Joan Halifax explains that human beings are transformed when pushed to the boundaries of their understanding, comfort and capability. She attributes this in part to Kazimierz Dabrowski's theory of positive disintegration, which is the idea that crises and stress are not just important for psychological maturation, but usually necessary. "Living systems that break down can reorganize at a higher and more robust level," she argues. "If they learn from the breakdown experience."
Some people seem to do this naturally, seeking out wisdom and self-understanding when confronted with challenging times. Others intentionally push themselves out of their comfort zones in order to grow. This willingness to endure discomfort and capitalize on challenge is a trademark among successful, fulfilled individuals. But what really differentiates them from the rest is not only their ability to learn from their life experiences, but the depth at which they feel them in the first place.
The psychological reason why some people are so hard on themselves isn't necessarily a matter of low self-esteem. It's more likely a product of the need for affect, which is the intensity at which people want to feel anything. Positive disintegration is often correlated with a higher degree of over-excitability, which is another way to say that people who develop themselves thoroughly often feel they are in a state of crisis, whereas other people would not perceive those circumstances to be as dire, or in need of a similar response.
In his book on the psychology of superstition, Dr. Stuart Vyse explains that people who are high in their need for affect "differ in the amount of desire for feeling emotions," and that they "find the expression of emotion, even if its sadness, to be a pleasant experience." Such people are more likely to feel anxiety over everyday occurrences, or find horror movies cathartic. Most of all, they are often pushed to relentlessly better themselves... which, one could argue, is really a gift.
Though it may feel counterintuitive, the best way to take advantage of this is to actually lean into it. The Cut reported that when it comes to responding to stress and other heightened states of emotion, things like excitement and fear can look a lot alike. Alison Wood Brooks calls this "anxiety reappraisal," and argues that given how easily these experiences can easily translate into positively or negatively, it's all about what meaning we assign to them.
Supporting this theory is research from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, which explains why feeling "bad" is actually essential for mental health. "People who habitually accept their emotional experiences were more likely to report greater psychological health six months later," Harvard reported on the research. "This was true regardless of gender, ethnicity, or socioeconomic status. Further, people who accepted these emotions were less likely to respond negatively to stressors."
One of the main things that separates people who grow from challenges from people who become perpetual victims of their circumstances is their ability to approach the edge without falling off of it. In her aforementioned book, Halifax explained that "edge states" are the transformative aspects of being human that must be carefully balanced. Embracing self-criticism can only be positive in healthy doses, and if it's used for the sake of self-development, not self-degradation.
At the same time, it calls into question the way that we usually think about being honest and critical with ourselves. Maybe it's so difficult to silence our inner critics because at some level, we realize it is also our greatest teacher.
