1 Try takoyaki
If there’s one thing Osakans love to talk about, it’s their balls. Smeared in mayo, pickled with ginger, these lightly battered, octopus-filled dough balls are available on every street corner. You’re eating them at Dotonbori Kukuru, in the buzzing Dotonbori district, for three reasons: the cool, shoes-off seating in the back; the giant model octopus out front; and its Russian roulette takoyaki menu of eight pieces, one of which is filled with straight wasabi (£7; dotonbori.or.jp/en/shops/22).
2 See some comedy
Edokko — people from Tokyo — are buttoned-up and boring. Osakans are a scream. That’s what the latter will tell you. Repeatedly. Judge for yourself at a comedy night. Don’t go to a hardcore local dialect club unless you want to be the butt of the jokes for 90 minutes. (Think Jacob Rees-Mogg in the front row of a Frankie Boyle gig.) Search for an English-speaking one instead: Ror Comedy, near the Moon Tower, is an energetic option (Friday and Saturday from 9pm; £7 rorcomedy.com).
3 Go for a run
Haven’t brought your kit? They’ve heard that one before at Running Base, in the northeast corner of the 106-hectare Osaka Castle Park. It has Salomon trainers in every size, natty gear, lockers and hot showers. There are three colour-coded routes, one taking in the castle, built by the regent Toyotomi Hideyoshi in 1583, the others guiding you through plum groves and cherry blossoms (from £11 for kit and facilities; runningbase.jp).
4 Take a bath
You’ve checked in at the Candeo Osaka Namba hotel, right? It’s in the heart of Dotonbori’s craziness (but offers soundproofed, air-conditioned comfort), and on the top floor is the Skyspa. The in-your-face nudity takes you by surprise (best avoid takoyaki small talk), but that’s soon forgotten when you’re reclining in the magma-temperature open-air onsen, steam billowing across a sea of neon below (doubles from £110, B&B; candeohotels.
com/namba).
5 Eat at Osaka ichiba zushi
There are swankier restaurants in Osaka, and certainly more famous ones: Genroku, the world’s first conveyor-belt sushi outlet, for one. But I defy you to have a better meal experience than at this diminutive counter restaurant, hidden away two blocks north of the Dotonbori canal. Beaming sushi maestros stand behind counters stuffed with swordfish, strips of octopus as long as watch straps, scallops, conger eel, sweet shrimp... every conceivable sushi ingredient. You point, they roll, your beer gets topped up liberally and the whole restaurant cheers you out when you leave (sushi from £1.35; 2 Chome-7-3 Shinsaibashisuji).
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6 Get a cab
Japanese taxi drivers are a well-dressed bunch, but in Osaka the cabbies look smart enough to be on royal limo duty (white gloves; sharply pressed trousers). They deck out their dinky black Toyota Comfort taxis in the manner of a quaint home-counties B&B — all delicate crochet seat covers and evocative prints. No one is taking anyone for a (financial) ride: one driver came running after me to return a 100 yen (70p) coin that I’d dropped on the floor. Sadly, many also smoke. Like lit oil wells.
7 Visit a parrot cafe
Want some backchat with your cappuccino? The Step Up, in Chuo-Ku, has a wide selection of parrots and parakeets, including a hyacinth macaw — the largest species in the world. The birds happily perch on your outstretched fingers or amble up and down your arms. Giggling, face-masked staff discreetly wipe poo off your shoulders. And surprisingly good vending-machine coffee is available in a seated area to one side (from £10 for an hour; thestepup-osaka.com).
8 Take a Dotonbori food crawl
Unofficially known as Dotonbori Street for the canal it runs parallel to, this pulsating thoroughfare is a clogged artery of indulgence and a tribute to the Osakan tradition of kuidaore, “eat until you drop”. Start at the western end — preferably off the back of a two-day fast — and walk east, sampling those ubiquitous octopus balls, okonomiyaki (savoury pancakes filled with pork or prawns), kushikatsu (deep-fried meat and vegetable skewers) and desserts so gluttonous, even final-years Elvis would have balked (anyone for an ice-cream burger?). By Aiai Bridge you’ll find an unassuming stall serving delectable Kobe beef tempura.
9 Shop by a temple
Dating from the 6th century, Shitennoji temple, the spiritual home of Buddhism in Japan, is now hemmed in by high-rises. It’s beautiful nonetheless, with a five-storey pagoda as its centre point. Visit on the 21st or 22nd of each month and you can work your way round Osaka’s biggest flea market, with more than 300 stalls. Yes, they sell kimonos (free; osaka-info.jp/en/page/shitennoji).
10 Spot cosplayers
Whereas the West tends to treat fancy dress as an awkward obligation, the Japanese launch themselves into it wholeheartedly, taking on not just the clothes, but the perceived voices and mannerisms of their favourite manga, animé or even big-screen characters. The Nipponbashi Street Festa, held in Osaka’s Denden Town, is the annual focus, but a keen eye will spot plenty day to day. See if you can better a sultry Cat Lady, a father and son Super Mario and Luigi, and a duo of pipe-smoking lady Sherlock Holmeses.
British Airways will fly direct from Heathrow to Osaka from March 31, 2019 (from £599; ba.com). Inside Japan can arrange trips to the Kansai region, with four nights at the Candeo Osaka Namba and stays in Kyoto, Kinosaki Onsen and Mount Koya; from £1,824pp, excluding flights (insidejapantours.com)
The land of surprising fun
Tell us your tales of travel in Japan and you could win a £250 holiday voucher. Email travel@sunday-times.co.uk
