Wednesday with Avrom – The stories we tell….

The biggest obstacle to being present in the moment and enjoying the richness of life is the fixation we have with the storylines swirling in our minds. Stories can be motivating, seductive, helpful or sometimes even necessary. But the ones I specifically refer to here are the unhelpful stories we tell ourselves. These stories relate to negative events from our past, concerns about our future, and the discomfort or anxiety we may feel about our present situation that prevents us from simply being able to inhabit and enjoy the present. 

Over the past 60 years, Avrom has counseled thousands of people on various aspects of life. A common theme he notices revolves around replaying, regretting and rewriting the script of one’s life; “I could have…,” “if only I would have…,” or “maybe it’s not too late to....” 

Avrom recalls the following story he heard as a child:

A well-dressed young man is travelling on a horse-drawn coach. There is a middle-aged man in the coach sitting opposite him, intently reading his newspaper. Once the trip starts, the young man says to the older man, “Excuse me, sir, can you tell me what time it is?” The older man ignores him entirely and keeps reading his paper. A few minutes later, the younger man clears his throat and again says, “Excuse me, sir, can you tell me what time it is?” Again, the man ignores his question. Finally, the young man says, “Sir, is it really so difficult to tell me what time it is?” The older man puts down his paper and says, “Actually, it is no trouble at all to tell you the time. But if I did, we would start a conversation. I would ask you your destination and you would ask me mine. It would turn out we’re going to the same city which happens to be where I live. I would feel compelled to invite you to visit my home. You would accept my invitation. When you arrive, you would notice my young and beautiful daughter. She would be impressed by you. You would ask her for a date. She would agree. You would like each other, fall in love, and get married. And I’ll be dammed to get a son-in-law who doesn’t even own a watch!”

It appears the older man was telling himself a ludicrous story triggered by a harmless question, “what time is it?” But, if we are honest with ourselves, don’t we all do this as well? We ruminate over such stories, creating stress, negative energy and, worst of all, diverting our (and sometimes others’) attention from the significance and unlimited possibilities of the moment. 

People seek Avrom’s counsel for the wisdom, kindness and deep caring he bestows. When giving guidance he considers each person’s unique situation and has benefited many people simply by reframing their impulse to say, “I could have…,” “if only I would have…,” or “maybe it’s not too late….” 

I asked him how he does it. He told me that first, he just listens to the person and calms them down. This is important in order to drop the destructive storylines. When people tell him that they could have been something different or should have married the other person, he listens, empathizes and validates (which many times is all the person needs). He then might make a joke to help them realize the silliness of the storyline, “I always wanted to be a major league baseball shortstop, but I am short and have no athletic ability.” 

Next, once the mind is settled, Avrom moves to action, “Let’s figure out how we can help you find meaning in your life. Keep in mind we need to be practical and avoid radical decisions.” Switching from accounting to brain surgery may be a noble pursuit but, for a 50-year-old, it is likely not practical – it would take at least 10 years of schooling and significant lost income during that time, and, for someone with a spouse and children, mortgage and school fees must be considered. Avrom explains the negative repercussions that such radical changes may yield. 

Lastly, Avrom teaches them that all we can really control in life is our perspective. There is meaning and beauty all around us if we just open our eyes to see it. We may think there are seemingly more important or bigger things we should be doing, but we need to be mindful of our existing responsibilities in this world. He counsels that there is nothing more valuable or meaningful than the loved ones around us. 

These principles can be applied to many of our struggles. Next time you get lost in a storyline or start worrying about something you should have done or failed to do, try to slow down and don’t make any radical decisions. Learn to appreciate your responsibilities and the many blessings you have. And when you are on the subway and a nice young man asks for the time, don’t think twice about it, just tell him the time. He may even, surprise you, and respond that he is on his way to pick up his new watch! 

This is part 14 in the Wednesday with Avrom series, please check out more here.