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Something I can hardly stand to read are the thoughts of married men who hate their wives and feel miserable, powerless, and trapped in their marriages. “I can’t wait until I’m dead.” Oh, brother.Β People of any gender feeling miserable and powerless tends to annoy me, but men especially will push my buttons when they’re in this state. I kid you not, I want to pitch things at their head.
So what do all these miserable married men have in common? They totally blame their wives. They blame society, they blame the very nature of women, and they certainly blame the horrid woman they’re married too.
And in the process they hand all their power away! See, the problem with blaming somebody else is that you’re telling yourself you have no power and no control over the situation, because it is now all about the other person.
The thing about blaming yourself, about believing you are fully accountable for the state of your marriage, is that it puts the whole situation back under your control. People don’t like to do this, pride I suppose. Just typing that word “blame,” I am aware of all the negative connotations. Heaven forbid we ever “blame” ourselves for anything. It’s always someone elses fault. Just think, “blame equals power and strength,” and perhaps it will be an easier pill to swallow. Like it or not, that’s what leadership is all about. The buck stops here. We don’t blame the privates, we blame the officers.
Even if you are married to the most awful person ever, blaming them adds to THEIR power and strength. If your spouse is truly a jerk, the last thing you want to do is hand them more power.
Now, flip this around, to the female side of things, when I was first married I really was a jerk. It was pretty much all about me, all of the time, and I wanted control. I did not empathize with my husband at all. I thought men were jerks, marriage was miserable, and I certainly blamed him for just about everything I possibly could. Honestly, I have no idea how he put up with me, but he did.
He didn’t blame me, even when I was to blame.
What happened is I finally realized I was totally responsible for how happy or miserable my marriage was going to be. I had to humble myself to the possibility that it may be my fault. It was humbling but it was also unbelievably empowering. That’s an interesting paradox within the framework of submission, but that is what strength in weakness looks like. Surrender all and you become incredibly powerful.
In 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 scripture speaks to this, “power is perfected in weakness” and “for when I am weak, then I am strong.”
It’s a bit amusing, lots of men on the internet complain that women today are not submissive enough and I just want to laugh. Submissive women are powerful women, so be careful what you wish for.Β Read the book, it explains everything. There’s this garden and these two naked people….
Also, those words Paul is speaking in Corinthians, those are words for men. Strength in weakness, it’s not just for girls….
Anyway, men and women are not that different in regards to the amount of control and influence we have over our own relationships. It is tempting to blame the other person, but that is a position of weakness, devoid of all power. One problem we’re seeing today is that people expect their spouse to make them happy and there is very little understanding of the nature of sacrificial love. When somebody fails to make us happy, there is an ugly amount of Ex-hate, man-hate, woman-hate, spouse-hate, which just fuels the whole deception and makes the world an unhappy place to live.
This is an issue that runs close to my heart because marriage rates are on the decline, divorce is rampant, and there are miserable people on my planet, disturbing my peace.
asewalson said:
Perfectly put, and I love your photo of Morticia and Gomez at the end π
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girlwithadragonflytattoo said:
Beautiful post! Its so true what you said that we determine whether our marriages are happy or miserable!
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AC said:
I like that you figured out how to empower yourself in your marriage. I don’t see how anyone can be happy without an attitude of self-responsibility.
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Paul said:
Well said IB. You just touched on leadership but I can tell you, having been a manager for decades and owned my own busness,that you are bang smack on. And when your employees see you taking the blame and responsibilty for them , they will do anything for you. Of course, there has to be a discussion around making the issue a learning experience for them and it has to be made clear that making the same mistake again will result in more than a discussion. That being said, your interaction with them is kept separate from your interaction with the powers that be. Sometimes you even have to take a hit for them with foreknowldge. I had an excellent management trainee who had a wonderful, if somewhat unrealistic, belief in our employees. He was scheduling holiday runs and he put a particularly slow spare driver on a very difficult run with tight time constraints. I reviewed his work and pointed out that there was no way that Norm was ever going to be able to do Dave’s run and stay on time. I knew he couldn’t. But my trainee had faith, so I told him he could make the assignment but i expected him to learn from the mistake and he would be responsible for communicating to the customers when it failed. I would take care of communicating with our bosses. The next day, Norm called and he was three stops behind and he got further behind as the day went along. My trainee was flabbergasted and before the day was done he was worn out dealing with the ramifications of his error. He came to me and apologized and swore he had learned his lesson. i just explained to our bosses that it was my responsibility and it wouldn’t happen again. And it didn’t. And my trainee became one of our most dedicated employees and a good manager himself. And still he retained the characteristic of challenging me but now he listened better and went deeper when making decisions.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Great comment, Paul. This is really true, “And when your employees see you taking the blame and responsibilty for them , they will do anything for you.” That builds huge loyalty and a desire to please. Most people will naturally seek the approval of such leadership.
We used to have a manager who never took responsibility for anything. LOL, we could not stand her and in no time at all we were all stealing post it notes and pens and putting in half the effort.
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unsimplelife said:
Can’t say i agree with this. Isn’t marriage about equality. Shouldn’t blame, in this instance be shared equally between both people?
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insanitybytes22 said:
“Isnβt marriage about equality.”
No, because “equality” demands constant measurement and comparison. Marriage is never going to be equal all the time. Sometimes one person has to carry more than the other. People are also different and men and women have different skills and talents.
“Shouldnβt blame, in this instance be shared equally between both people?”
The problem with that is that once you perceive it that way, you’ve handed away half your power. You will naturally start to focus more on what the other person should be doing or what you think they ought to be doing. That’s just human nature. You can only control yourself, so you should only focus on controlling yourself.
Even if you are with somebody impossible, you picked them. So understanding what it is about you that lead you to get involved with somebody like that, is the best way to avoid repeating that pattern. Some people blame their spouse, and their next spouse, and their next five spouses, because they never recognize that they are the only common denominator.
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unsimplelife said:
measurement and comparison is human nature, i dont think it can be avoided.
Sure, one will carry more than the other, but you seem to be speaking in quantitative terms. Perhaps there is an intangible aspect of equality that you are missing.
I simply don’t agree with this argument on ‘power’. I don’t seek power, neither does my wife. We seek balance.
She is impossible at times, so am i. That’s life.
Agreed with the final comment re- one common denominator, but some people are just born assholes. That too, is life.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Something that always strikes me as interesting, it is usually men who dislike my views on equality the most, LOL.
Also, when I say power, men often assume I’m speaking of power over somebody else. Power is not always a negative thing, it also has some very positive implications. Those men I was reading, the ones who are miserable, what they lack is any sense of their own power.
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unsimplelife said:
Now now, i don’t dislike your view. I just think it is old fashioned. And sure, this post should garner a response from men, it is directed at men.
A good social experiment would be to switch the gender focus around as see how it reads to people. π
I like your post, got me engaged mate.
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assortmentbox said:
Wonderful and sooo true π
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adamjasonp said:
You can never really take charge of what happens in your life unless you get your own stuff togetherβ¦
Handing over power with blameβinteresting way of taking this post.
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Eric said:
IB2:
Some stupid Churchian Gamer wrote the following ‘advice’ to woman struggling with the submission issue:
“Your husband earned your respect by marrying you. Period. You ought to be tearfully crawling on your knees begging him to let you serve him better…Biblically, a husband doesn’t have to work to earn your respect or your sex…then we can move on to you feeling humbled by him, in awe of him, deathly afraid of him, totally ashamed of not serving him well enough…&c.”
Let’s hope that’s female submission enough! LOL
The sad thing is what you describe above is how female submission = female power; which is both the natural AND Christian position. The Gamers and the Feminists though disempower women by telling them that submission is weakness.
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insanitybytes22 said:
That’s so pathetic it’s almost makes me laugh, except they’re being pathetic in Christ’s name which just makes me want to thump people.
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tastehitch said:
I think there is a lot of pointing at an misguided understanding of feminism and blaming that on men having a bad life. Anything in life is dependent on effort and application. Anything worth having that is.
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incombatwithself said:
A good egoslap π
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madblog said:
I just have to laugh when people complain about their spouses. Unless your spouse has actually had a head injury which totally altered his/her personality, the joke is on you. THIS IS THE ONE PERSON IN YOUR LIFE YOU GOT TO CHOOSE.
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insanitybytes22 said:
LOL, that’s a really good point. Either you’re a flawed and imperfect human being who made a poor choice or you’re a flawed and imperfect human being who is trying to blame somebody else for your own issues. Either way, you’re caught in a logic trap of your own making.
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madblog said:
And amen all around. As soon as you start seeing the marriage as a power contest, your goose is cooked.
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RejZoR said:
I don’t understand why couples can’t just talk things out. They often blame each other behind ones back instead of taking time talking to each other instead of wasting all that time telling the same things to other people who don’t really have anything to do with it. I’m not married and haven’t been in any serious relationship so that’s all just a theory of mine, but I know I’d do it that way. After all, what’s the point if you don’t really communicate with your better half?
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insanitybytes22 said:
Communication is important. It’s gotten really weird lately with the invention of social media. People will actually take their disagreements into the internet world and try to seek allies in perfect strangers, create even more drama. It really annoys me π
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RejZoR said:
I’m not sure I could do that. I try to keep private stuff to myself. I’ve opened up a bit since I’ve started writing the blog, but I’m still kinda obsessed with keeping my private life, private. At least the personally identifiable things. I certainly wouldn’t be able to bring personal relationship issues into a public of the internetz. If you do that you’re a douchebag in my opinion because you can hurt feelings of the other person even more by achieving exactly nothing.
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insanitybytes22 said:
I tend to agree. I like a bit of privacy myself, which is kind of a funny thing to say as a blogger, but there’s a big difference between celebrating your relationship and seeking allies in some kind of domestic/ social media war.
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findingfaithdivine said:
Reblogged this on Candid Cupcakes.
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insanitybytes22 said:
Thank you for the reblog, much appreciated π
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Malcolm Greenhill said:
OK, I agree with your main point that we have the ability to determine how we feel about almost anything and certainly including our marriage and life partner. But there is also biology. We don’t choose to be affected by pheremones. Desire and familiarity don’t go hand-in-hand, quite the opposite. The problem might not be our partner’s fault, it might be just the fact that he or she is our partner.
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insanitybytes22 said:
“Desire and familiarity donβt go hand-in-hand, quite the opposite.”
LOL, well that doesn’t say much for my favorite pair of jeans, because those things may be ugly, but I do indeed love them because they are familiar π
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Malcolm Greenhill said:
Yes, you love your jeans but they don’t excite you. You don’t want to make love to them.
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insanitybytes22 said:
LOL! I am not so sure about that. π
I’ve written before about how people change in marriage over time, so each day becomes an opportunity to fall in love all over again with somebody new. I suppose there are always hormonal issues and problems with attraction, but for the most part I think we tend to put entirely too much emphasis on that.
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lang3063 said:
Malcolm Greenhill: Regarding desire and familiarity, after 31 years of marriage our experience is exactly the opposite of what you suggest. We know lots of “straight laced” old fashioned Christian couples who never got the memo about inevitable biology and are stuck with inexhaustible satisfaction built on familiarity. No magic or fortuitously matched pheromones, just one of the rewards of the kind of selfless love God made us for. Quite honestly, I feel sorry for couples who can’t say the same.
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Malcolm Greenhill said:
Congratulations, on your successful relationship. Thank goodness that human sexuality comes in so many forms.
Most of us have a strong need for security which leads us to seek committed relationships in the first place, but we also have an equally strong need for adventure and excitement. Monogamous relationships promise that itβs possible to meet all these needs in one place. Today we hope that one person can provide what used to require an entire village β a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity, but also romance and an emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationship.
The reason itβs not easy to combine all these qualities in one person is that we love, care and feel responsible for our life partners but, at the same time, such emotional intimacy often inhibits erotic expressions. The paradox is that eroticism and desire are fueled by separateness, aggression, jealousy and discord, for starters. Sure itβs possible to have βinexhaustible satisfaction built on familiarityβ but I suggest that sex would be more exciting and playful if we kept both God and democracy out of the bedroom.
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zgypsy said:
Apparently these “men” (and I use that term loosely) are reading one of those “new” translations. You know…the one that reads…Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church unless she doesn’t enjoy washing your dirty underwear as much as she enjoys sex on the beach. π
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lang3063 said:
“…we also have an equally strong need for adventure and excitement…” You conflate needs with wants and desires. Yes you do. “I suggest that sex would be more exciting and playful if we kept both God and democracy out of the bedroom…” Interesting that you seem to regard religion and politics as inseparable, maybe two sides of the same coin? Does “keeping democracy out of the bedroom” mean couples aren’t equal partners? Pretty teeny-weeny view of the creator of the universe. And, oh yeah: the inventor of sex. If you think he disapproves or isn’t the very source of “playfulness” you’re not paying attention.
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Malcolm Greenhill said:
The issue at hand is whether we can have both love and desire in the same relationship over time. There seem two extremes. At one extreme are the romantics who refuse a life without passion and seek the person with whom desire will never fade. At the opposite extreme are the realists who say that enduring love is more important than hot sex, and that passion makes people do stupid things and is a weak foundation for marriage. Insanitybytes22 and yourself seem to be in the latter camp as she says βI suppose there are always hormonal issues and problems with attraction, but for the most part I think we tend to put entirely too much emphasis on thatβ, and you talk about βsatisfaction built on familiarityβ. However, both sides of this argument can hopefully agree with the fundamental premise that passion cools over time. As few people can live happily at either extreme I am posing the question of how important the loss of passion really is and whether we can have both love and desire in the same relationship over time? If we can what exactly would that relationship look like given the fact that emotional intimacy often inhibits eroticism as explained in my previous comment?
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insanitybytes22 said:
It’s an interesting debate, Malcolm, so bear with us. I am of the helpless romantic camp, obviously. 30 years myself and also observing much older married couples, well into their 90’s. So mad, crazy, passionate love is possible even in the midst of familiarity.
This is interesting because I think I have an inking of what you trying to say, “emotional intimacy often inhibits eroticism.” There is an edge there that can be easy to loose and than relationships become comfortable, convenient, but missing that spark.
You mentioned “love and desire in the same relationship.” Yes, yes, I believe that is possible, but our culture, our belief systems, try to teach us that these things are separate. I think we make our own sparks, control our own thinking, influence our own desire, so love and familiarity need not spoil the friction, pun intended π
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Malcolm Greenhill said:
“I have an inking of what you trying to say”
Just an inkling eh π
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madblog said:
“Emotional intimacy often inhibits eroticism.β…? Whaaaaat? Oh yes, the planet of the Lifetime Network. I’m sorry but this hackneyed 70’s-era saw bears no relationship to real humans in real life. Emotional intimacy is WHERE sexual intimacy comes from, and nowhere else. If eroticism is something different than intimacy, (and I do realize that, sadly, many people believe this), count me out.
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madblog said:
*ON* the planet of Lifetime Network.
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lang3063 said:
Eroticism detached from genuine, intimate love ultimately seeks nothing but its own satisfaction. It’s a dead end. Also, I think you have the “realist/romantic” poles reversed.
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Malcolm Greenhill said:
When do you feel most alive, when you are traveling in a foreign country and are unfamiliar with the sights, sounds and smells or when you are at home? I rest my case.
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insanitybytes22 said:
I see what you are getting at, Malcolm. Forgive my humor, but in that case you just marry somebody half crazy and than you never have any idea what is waiting for you at home. Trust me, you’ll have more excitement than you can stand π
Earlier you said, “I am posing the question of how important the loss of passion really is….” I suppose everyone is different and there are some marriages built on other foundations, but that does not mean that passion has to cool or go away entirely or that it is predetermined that it will. Sometimes passion ebbs and flows like the tide and changes and evolves, but it need not disappear entirely simply because of familiarity. I think that is a myth, that is resigning ourselves to what we believe is inevitable.
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Malcolm Greenhill said:
You’re forgiven and I like your solution of marrying someone who is unpredictable, but then you still need to find someone who is safe and predictable at the same time π Passion does indeed ebb and flow and I don’t believe I ever said that passion has to disappear with familiarity but, rather that passion and familiarity tend to work against each other. How we reconcile them in the same relationship is what we really need to be discussing.
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