This is just a reminder that Martha Stewart can and will walk up in your house, look around and read everything in it for filth. This is your only warning.
New York Magazine took four celebs back to apartments they occupied in their early, non-famous days. It's a delightful profile plus a two-for-one exercise in voyeurism. I love nothing more than gawking at the inside of somebody's house; now I get to gawk at a star's former house and a regular person's current house. What a time to be alive!
In the profile, we get to watch the stars reminisce while the present occupants stand around patiently. Matthew Broderick takes off his shoes and puts his bare feet on a man's furniture, which took me all the way out, but you know, do you. Whoopi Goldberg and Lauren Hutton also revisit their old stomping grounds. But the piece de resistance is your queen and mine, Martha Stewart.
So, I need to set this scene up. In the profile, you get Whoopi standing in cozy but small-ish project housing, Matthew Broderick sitting on a counter (with his bare feet out!) in a small, bare Washington Square space. And then you have the Queen of All Things standing at a balcony overlooking the Upper East Side, gesturing at the sky with a fork! It's too much, it's already too much.
Apparently, M.Stew's first apartment was in a luxury co-op owned by one of her father-in-law's friends. You know, the usual deal. Stars—they're just like us: they move to New York and live in a penthouse owned by a dude who works at Time.
Anyway, that all happened in the past. She doesn't live there anymore and, honey, she is glad about it. The penthouse now belongs to Tom D'Agostino, whom the profile describes as an "Ex-RealHusband."
The minute I saw that I was like, I gotta put down everything else I'm doing and give this my whole attention. I stopped eating midbite. My fork was just hanging in the air. I'm Martha Stewart now.
Tom's quite pleased with the work he's done to the place. He tells New York that he renovated for two years. Two years! If my IKEA furniture takes more than two hours to put together I just throw it out the window. Who has the time?!
Apparently, it was two years wasted because the minute Martha walks in, she proceeds to read every inch of the place to absolutely filth.
"That apartment was very beautiful and light-filled and airy — and all white, the way it was meant to be. Now it’s much more enclosed and dark!" The way it was meant to be! This is literally the only instance I will delightedly cackle at someone saying all white was the way something was meant to be. Martha is like that neighbor on Trading Spaces who gets Hildi as a designer and is not here for it when the reveal rolls around.
Martha doesn't care how much Real Housewives money you sunk into this place, Tom. She thinks it's a waste and she hates your paint choices.
Oh! And she's not done. She dismisses the hedges he's put in and then summarizes the whole thing thusly: "And it’s more masculine-looking. I mean, he’s now a bachelor, isn’t he?" Shade.
Martha will go down to the city courthouse, pull your divorce papers and then make you a throw pillow with them.
Most of the celebs kept talking about the apartment. Not MStew. She continues, "I knew Tom was on The Real Housewives [of New York City]. That’s not my cup of tea."
Martha Stewart's "cup of tea" is spilled.
Tom remarks that Martha brought him an apple pie made with apples from her garden, hence the gesture fork. In a separate interview, when reminded of this Martha, Readeranteur and Shade Chef, replies "He still hasn’t returned my dish, though."
Martha Stewart is the only person who will bring you a housewarming dish and while also throwing so much shade you get chilly.
Martha Stewart is coming for your edges and your swatches and no one is safe, not even in their own home.
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.
