Anxiety and updates

I’ve never really experienced prolonged anxiety before … until now anyway.

Now, I feel perpetually afraid. On edge. Like I’m waiting for the worst to happen at any moment.

I go to the bathroom 3000 times a day to ‘check’.  Which is especially awesome as we’re also half-heartedly toilet training Rory so he delightedly announces every time I go ‘More Wee! Mummy Wee!’. 

Social situations feel like too much like hard work at the minute. I struggle to come up with conversation when all of my thoughts are consumed by feelings of anxiety. What will happen? How will this end? Is something happening now?

It feels like I’m on a never-ending roller coast of all-day-morning sickness which makes me feel somewhat secure that things are still ok. Followed by yet-more-bleeding that makes me wonder how this can possibly have a happy ending?

It’s exhausting, this not-knowing, this constant worry. This never-ending up and down of emotions. I’m sleeping like it’s my job at the minute.  In all honesty, I’d love to just sleep away the next nine months if I could. Someone wake me when it’s all over… mmmkay?

I wasn’t sure whether to keep filming my weekly pregnancy updates or not.  Especially as they’re not necessarily very happy or interesting at the minute.  But I decided I would anyway and who knows – maybe you are interested in all of it – the bad stuff as well as the good, the exciting and the mundane?  It’s real life anyway.  I decided if this does go bad, these videos will be my record of what happened, of life and of love.