There was once a time in my life when I had a problem with rage. On the days it was triggered, I would feel like a white gauze was covering my face and mind. I would clench my teeth so hard I’d have to shake my head like a dog with a piece of meat to get the feelings to calm down. Rage would pound its way through my body and make me want to punch, hurt, and scream. The feelings and behaviors were shocking because they did not fit in with how I saw myself as a person.
Rage is about destruction—like the time I almost broke my foot kicking a tire because my car door wouldn’t shut, or the bruised knuckles I suffered as a result of punching a cabinet when my dryer door wouldn’t close. (I do see the pattern!) People who have experienced rage have told me about much more destructive actions, too.
Imagine this scenario: You are a stable person who has a pitcher of water with a cover. When you start pouring, the top comes off and the water spills all over the counter. You get annoyed and say, “I can’t believe this! What a mess!” and start to clean it up. In contrast, an angry person is more reactive and may jam the lid on a bit harder than usual, but even if the person stomps off, she eventually cools down and comes back to clean up the water. Rage is a totally different animal. It’s instantaneous. The minute the water spills, the person grabs the pitcher and throws it across the room and then screams and yells at whoever happens to be there. “Why did you put this pitcher here?!? Why isn’t the top on the right way?!? I can’t believe what I have to go through in this house! You’re so #%@# stupid!” A person in a rage does not clean up the water.
Luckily, though, rage can be anticipated and prevented.
Medications can stop rage by calming down the mania and depression that are associated with rage. If you experience rage episodes that are damaging your life, medications may be a good first choice.
When you learn to recognize milder irritation and anger symptoms and talk yourself down when you feel them begin, you can cut off the rage process. This is how I cured my rage problem. For example, the thought “I’m going to show that driver not to cut me off! He’s going to get it now!” as I race down the freeway to catch him tells me I’m losing my cool and must slow down and drive home.
It won’t work, and your point of view will not be heard. Instead, walk away and calmly state, “I’m leaving the room now. I am open to talking, but for now, I am leaving. This is not acceptable behavior in our home.” Your goal is to remove yourself from the raging behavior and help your loved one later.
Your best choice is to take care of yourself first!
Bipolar disorder is very complex. It’s easy to only focus on the basics of mania and depression and miss the myriad of other symptoms that come with the mood swings. Defining rage in yourself or your loved one is a good first step.
I have not punched or kicked anything in more than 10 years. I’ve felt the urge, but I’ve stopped the rage. I made a change. You can, too.
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Printed as “Fast Talk: Breaking the Rage Cycle,” Spring 2012
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The last time I tried to walk away when my husband was in a rage he grabbed my arm to stop me. He said later that the reason he grabbed my arm was because I was trying to walk away while he was talking. He wasn’t talking, he was screaming obscenities aimed at me. I find it hard not to try to explain myself when he is in a rage and because he is screaming I end up yelling. I am trying to work on this so I don’t try to engage him in conversation that he does not have the ability to participate in.
Before I was even in my teens, I remembering punching a guy in the schoolyard because he was rude & disrespectful to me. I also remember another time in my youth when I punched another boy in my friends yard (my friend was indoors having dinner). He was sitting on their swing set and refused to get off when I asked him to. He threw up and then left in tears. I didn’t care.
My step father had sexually molested me as a kid and had a huge anger problem. I was afraid of him because he could be extremely violent, especially when drunk. He was also a hunter and had numerous rifles. A bad combination for a vulnerable child to be raised under. I feared/hated all boys/men as a result. My mother could be so loving/codependent one moment and then so physically abusive at times the next. I learned it was extremely risky to trust people. This led me down a lonely road and into a deep depression
My first hospitalization was as an adult and was the result of me telling my mother that her husband had sexually molested me as a child. I thought she would believe me but she didn’t. I thought she would understand because she had been sexually molested as a child too but with her it was a stranger. I’ve found that it obviously makes a difference who your perpetrator is. Instead she inferred I was a lesbian because I avoided men. It didn’t help either that her ex husband was living as a gay man. He also thought the same way as she did about me. It’s no wonder I ended up as identity problems
I had been adopted as a baby. When I was an adult I sought out my biological family. Sadly I came to learn that my biological mother also suffered from mental illness (specific diagnosis unknown) and had been hospitalized a number of times. She eventually moved to another country (hoping for a geographical cure) but ended up shooting herself dead after a fight with her mother on the phone and the breakup of her boyfriend. A pretty violent way to go.
Because of this new knowledge doctors now try to convince me that I am bipolar and that my mental illness is genetic and therefore requires medication. To this I say a weak maybe (mood stabilizers like lamictal, the only medication I’m willing to take, can help calm me down at times). But I’m not thoroughly convinced I need medication as I generally do a whole lot better off them.
I believe PTSD and borderline personality disorder is a much more accurate diagnosis given the trauma I endured as a child and the fact that I can usually get by quite nicely either without medication at all or on extremely low doses thereof. I believe my environment, especially early on, as a vulnerable child played a much larger role in my depression and the maladaptive ways I learned to cope.
Discerning who to trust has sometimes been a barrier for me in forming healthy supportive relationships. Feeling like a victim feeds my depression which in turn feeds the desire to isolate.
Depression, excessive worrying, rumination, high anxiety, etc within the context of a dysfunctional “support” system along with a lack of adequate healthcare in the community at times has also caused me to act in ways that could be construed as mental illness
Because of this and because I can’t afford counselling either I read a lot of self help books, join various support groups, do yoga, pray, meditate and try my best to make healthy lifestyle changes etc. I’ve gotten a lot better over the years at mitigating my anger/rage but I still consider myself a work in progress.
Despite my difficulty in trusting others and my deep desire to isolate I have conceded that people need people. Our survival depends on it and so the desire and impetus to keep on trying to connect in healthier ways
This behavior is exactly what ended my marriage. I tried walking away. Tried telling him to give me time to call down but no…we have to settle this right now! He would push my buttons on purpose and tell me I was in the wrong when I blew up! I have stuck hard time being heard and now, I feel I have no voice.
Needed to read this today…not a pleasantmorning…I dont feel so alone in it now…thank you…✌
i’m so happy to read what it’s like to go through a rage from a first person experience. I’m a mom whose son has been raging since he was about 3, now almost 13 and on mood stabilizers. I ask him how he feels when he gets that mad and he says “blank”. He knows it’s wrong… and meds help to control it now. i wish more people talked about this… thank you.
I’m bipolar & I’ve had explosive bouts in my past, there are still people I see today who saw me in those rage fits and are still unwilling to be around me. The difference now is that I’ve been to therapy for some underlying issues that I just needed to tell someone about… and decide how I wanted to feel about those events…in a healthy way that was not blaming others solely nor shaming me deeper even though I was done unjustly but not to stay in a victim stance rut.. and the others involved may have misconceptions that I cannot fix, I had to find the positives in the overall things I learned from the initial activating event. And the fact at I have only MY reactions to be responsible for, and to make sure I move forward thru events past,present and future however unfair some things in life will be ,always remembering….it’s an opportunity for me to grow and mature & learn better how to cope and be accountable for my own chosen misery or happiness. Oh and a medication change was very helpful AFTER I tried a few of wrong meds first…which that in itself was yet another point to where I learned to be conscious of my moods and reminding myself that feelings are not facts but also staying closely monitored by my mental health provider in the management of medications and lots of prayer. And all was well in that journey of that bipolar jungle.