What absolutely will happen in the Premier League this weekend

All square at Southampton, another walk in the Liverpool park, taxi for Alan Pardew, and the latest stop on the Manchester City victory parade: here’s everything that’s guaranteed* to happen in this weekend’s round of Premier League fixtures…

Burnley vs Everton

Put your mortgage on…

A mediocre battle of the Distant Best of the Rest. Even if Arsenal look like a team who want to resign from the Big Six, they remain a country mile ahead – in almost every department – of the fourteen scrappers underneath.

The worryingly soft middle of the Premier League is exposed by one damning stat: Burnley haven’t won in eleven games…and they’re still seventh, with a decent chance of qualifying for Europe.

The match, according to Ceefax…

Most likely headline in the morning papers

BURNLEY TOO TOUGH FOR TOFFEES AT TURF MOOR

Leicester vs Bournemouth

Put your mortgage on…

Bournemouth not falling into the Jamie Vardy Trap. It wouldn’t take even a noted, earnest football scholar like Eddie Howe to realise that leaving space between your defence and goalkeeper is essentially to put up a big flashing sign for Vardy reading “THAT WAY →”

Expect Bournemouth’s troupe of loyal defensive plodders (Simon Francis, Steve Cook and Charlie Daniels could all be the same man, who knows?) to set up camp on the edge of their box and keep eyes peeled for any wild strikers on the prowl.

The match, according to Ceefax…

Retro indulgence

A bleak-looking Division Two scene from 1989, a visible dedication to long ball, every single brand name on the advertising boards probably now out of business…ooh, what a lovely volley!

Southampton vs Stoke

Put your mortgage on…

A relegation six-pointer…to end with a point apiece. Mainly because Southampton adore a draw. The devour draws. If there is a draw up for grabs, Southampton will do their best to amble their way towards it, as unspectacularly as possible. Nobody has drawn as many as Southampton’s dozen draws this season. Draw.

The match, according to Ceefax…

Retro indulgence

Southampton go 3-0 up against Stoke in 1982, the visitors pull it back to 3-3, Mick Channon tries to take a corner using a cheerleader’s pom-pom instead of the ball, Dave Watson hammers a screamer in off the bar…and then Southampton finally win 4-3.

Swansea vs West Ham

Put your mortgage on…

Marko Arnautovic to be the difference. He has taken about two-thirds of a season to gather some momentum and come close to justifying his £25m fee, but the big man with a rather unique skill-set is finally delivering.

Seven goals in his last 12 games could have been eight if his craft early lob at Anfield had crept in last weekend – a fully-motivated Arnautovic probably has more imagination, presence and power than the rest of this game’s teamsheet combined.

The match, according to Ceefax…

Retro indulgence

“…and now you know the sound of a Welsh male voice!”

In 1999, Peter Drury gets excited in a way that only Peter Drury can, as fourth-tier Swansea dump West Ham out of the FA Cup in a third-round replay.

Tottenham vs Huddersfield

Put your mortgage on…

Mousa Dembele to be untouchable again. Defensive midfielders aren’t supposed to be like this – they’re supposed to frustrate you by getting in the way, muscling you off the ball, sticking out a telescopic leg to intercept your passes.

Dembele does it a different way: he just doesn’t let you have the ball in the first place.

The match, according to Ceefax…

Most likely headline in the morning papers

SPURS SHARPENED FOR JUVE SHOWDOWN

Watford vs West Brom

Put your mortgage on…

Bye-bye Pardew. The whispers emanating from the Hawthorns last week were that West Brom’s Chinese owner Guochuan Lai – who has already sacked one chairman, one chief executive, one tea lady and a handful of ballboys – was prepared to give the manager one more week to save his job.

Taxi for Pardew?

The match, according to Ceefax…

Retro indulgence

March 1996: West Brom storm into a 3-0 lead at the Hawthorns, only for Watford to get their act together. 4-4!

Liverpool vs Newcastle

Put your mortgage on…

A warm Anfield welcome for Rafa Benitez…before some one-way traffic. Liverpool are the epitome of ain’t-broke-don’t-fix-it at the moment, and there’s very little need to rotate their effortlessly dovetailing front three. The midweek clash with Porto is going to be a formality, so Newcastle will get both barrels here.

The match, according to Ceefax…

Retro indulgence

December, 1998: the one mid-90s Anfield classic between Liverpool and Newcastle that we never hear about. The visitors go 2-0 up after an hour, despite Didi Hamann being sent off in the first half for two terribly snidey tackles…and then Liverpool have their revenge in spades.

Brighton vs Arsenal

Put your mortgage on…

Arsenal to act as if nothing mildly humiliating had happened (twice) in the space of the last week. Wenger’s ability to make his teams bounce back from season-destroying defeats to win inconsequential games – often quite stylishly – really is one of his more mystifying qualities.

The match, according to Ceefax…

Retro indulgence

A scrappy victory for Arsenal at the Goldstone Ground back in 1987/88 and…hang on, is that David Icke presenting?

Manchester City vs Chelsea

Put your mortgage on…

It not being entirely obvious which team had a week’s rest and who had to battle through the Beast from the East to give Arsenal a footballing lesson just 72 hours previously. Manchester City – that Wigan aberration apart, obviously – are making things look very easy at the moment, while Chelsea are about as stodgy as it gets.

The match, according to Ceefax…

Retro indulgence

October, 2004: a smiling (smiling!) Jose Mourinho brings his unbeaten, impregnable Chelsea side to the Etihad, and are finally handed a defeat thanks to a Nicolas Anelka penalty. Kevin Keegan out-thinking Jose? Strange times.

Crystal Palace vs Manchester United

Put your mortgage on…

Mourinho to persist with his three midfield pylons of McTominay, Matic and Pogba. It’s the antithesis of Pep Guardiola’s diminutive, elusive engine room, and that’s probably why Jose likes it so much.

The match, according to Ceefax…

Retro indulgence

What else, but that Cantona kung fu kick at Selhurst Park, as relayed by the incredible voice of a Capital Gold-era Jonathan Pearce?

*maybe