Survival Of The Fittest

Winter Love Island, they said.  It will fill the gap between series of your favourite Balearic-based flesh-fest, they promised.  And so, ITV2 unveiled Survival Of The Fittest, from the same people that brought you reality TV’s breakout formula.  This blog was going to be a highbrow guide to the quality boxsets that vie for your attention on Netflix and Amazon, causing you the inertia I referenced here.  Instead, I’ve been unable to hide my addiction to trashy formats, especially if those feature attractive young people in beachwear.  I’m saving Love Island for this coming summer, and Bromans has already been covered, but I’m very happy to say that Survival Of The Fittest falls in the same vein.

It could not be better timed.  Something about 2018 so far means it’s not only been cold and wet, but it’s been consistently the coldest and wettest year since records began (and by that I mean since I last paid attention, which might be linked to the fact that I got used to 35 degrees during my South Africa trip).  It therefore follows that an hour of telly each night that’s set in a place so hot the contestants visibly glisten in front of the cameras is the broadcast equivalent of vitamin D.  Coincidentally, the show is actually filmed in the shadow of Table Mountain, so it’s serving a dual purpose of reminding me about how much I enjoyed my fantastic holiday (did I mention I went to South Africa?) and reminding me that hot weather exists.  The African theme is impossible to avoid.  The only prize on offer to the contestants seems to be safaris, but that’s not a prize to be sniffed at.  And indeed, the African heat somehow makes Love Island’s Majorca setting look like a rainy caravan park in Blighty.  It’s clearly as hot as old balls.

So what on earth is this show?  Its prime purpose, aside from filling a gap in ITV2’s schedule, is to answer the age-old question: which is the better gender, males or females?  This is a battle between the sexes to find out who comes out on top.  The fact that the fighting typically involves timed assault courses with puzzles at the end gives you some understanding of the academic and scientific rigour on hand in the formula.  We have six boys and six girls, with each team desperate to prove theirs is the sex that is better at assault courses and puzzles.  Whichever team loses a challenge is then vulnerable to the opposite gender selecting one of their ranks to be sent home from the free African holiday.  Don’t worry though, as a replacement (in beachwear) is brought in the next day to even the numbers back out.

But what about the shagging?  Well yes, you can’t have nearly naked beautiful people in extreme heat without some shenanigans twitching the duvet covers while we watch through an infra-red camera.  The whole twist of the show comes from the expectation (which is quickly proven correct) that relationships will spring up between the genders and cause team loyalties to be questioned.  So be warned, it’s more complicated than Love Island’s premise of get in a couple or get out.  It’s a case of fight for your gender but also see if you can diddle someone of the opposite sex so they don’t vote you off in case you are slower at assault courses and puzzles.

Some other things you should know, handily arranged in bullet points to speed up your decision-making process about whether these three weeks of titillating telly are required in your life:

• The Flack role is covered by Laura Whitmore, who copes well with the wobbly bridge that leads to the savannah lodge the contestants inhabit, though she does seem to view the boys and girls themselves with irritation
• There is an irreverent voiceover, but it’s not with a Scottish or regional accent, so is around 35% less funny.  This means it’s still quite funny
• Sometimes, little monkeys raid the kitchen, reminding you that this is Africa, just in case you had forgotten among all the shots of hippos and giraffes
• As with Bromans, the bodies on display are banging, and you’ll be torn between arousal, and self-hate that you should be in the gym and not shoving your face with Crunchy Nut Cornflakes on the sofa while watching kids half your age have the time of their lives
• Danny Dyer’s daughter was in the first line up and was just embarking on her own “don’t tell anyone, but I was in Blazin Squad” moment before she smashed her shoulder in on one of the, er, assault courses
• There’s an app.  You know, for your smartphone.  So you can be a millennial while you watch

·

This is all capped off by a bewildering sponsorship by Beauty Bay, though their best idents do feature Alex and Olivia from, you guessed it, Love Island.  I assume Beauty Bay is some sort of online make up jumble sale, but I refuse to give them any more attention here.

To conclude, we must ask ourselves, is this Winter Love Island?  And the answer is a resounding: sort of.  It’s set somewhere else, so it’s more like Winter Love Island In Africa.  Plus, it’s a battle of the sexes, rather than a battle to have sex.  So it’s actually Winter Love Island Gender Battle In Africa.  And finally, there are assault courses and puzzles, so the most accurate name is Winter Love Island Gender Battle In Africa With Assault Courses And Puzzles.  But that’s a ridiculous name, so they gave it the lame name of Survival Of The Fittest.  But I’ll finish on these three words: feast your eyes.