Men need to deal with their daddy issues to avoid hurting their sons

"First things first, rest in peace Uncle Phil. For real, you were the only father that I ever knew," J Cole, the famous American singer and rapper, perfectly captured one of the most iconic father figures in TV history.

Uncle Phil was the strict, well-spoken and educated dad in "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air", which one college professor deemed to be unrealistic because it portrayed a black home with two upper-middle-class working parents.

He wasn't the first but he seems to be the only one without a chequered past coming back to haunt him.

'America's Dad' Bill Cosby is now a prison motivational speaker after he was convicted for rape and sexual assault, and Stephen Collins, the dad from "7th Heaven", admitted to sexually molesting minors.

In what to me was his most memorable episode - "Papa's got a brand new excuse" - Will Smith's on-screen dad who had abandoned him comes back to his life briefly only to abandon him again.

Uncle Phil, in an impromptu and improvised moment of emotion, hugs Will as he cries.

ABSENTEE FATHERS

Uncle Phil, whose real name is James Avery, later on talked about his own upbringing that made that very moment even more special.

He had also been raised primarily by his mother and his father was largely absent.

He reached out to his father shortly after starting to work on "Fresh Prince" because his dad was getting old and it was time to resolve the issues they had.

It's also notable that Will's dad, who was played by the legendary Ben Vereen, walked off the scene and cried right after that.

"Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" came on the screen just around the time that discussions around Black fatherhood went mainstream — sort of like it is now.

The discussion then was around the high levels of crime and incarceration in the black community and how absentee fatherhood had played a role.

CHAOTIC GENERATION

The discussions are similar to the ones today, centred on the declining education performance of boys and it being linked to fathers not being there for their sons.

There's also every 10th dating article on the internet which talks about men with daddy issues.

A recent study by two researchers— one from McGill and the other from Prague's Charles University — came to the conclusion that six out of every 10 Kenyan women are likely to be single mothers by the time they reach 45.

This number is high but not particularly surprising. By the time I was in high school, half of my class was from single-parent homes — predominantly from homes with mothers only.

Hush-hush! Please don't let the "this is unAfrican crowd" read this. The ones that blame every corruption scandal and the price of milk and bread on lack of father figures. Or the "back in my day" crowd that lulls us to sleep.

Kellie Gatwiri put it best in her epic quote, "many fathers in our homes were treated like senior management. (They were) served with refreshments and left alone in peace and quiet so they can think 'strategic thoughts.'"

THE SIGNS

Karl Jung and Sigmund Freud got the ball rolling in generating discussions around children's impact from parental relationships, and you don't have to have read the theory to see the impact of people with less than desirable relationships with their fathers.

Looking around though, that seems like a whole lot of men. Good Men Project points out six things to look out for as a way of spotting men with "daddy issues".

They're commitment-phobic - they're never going to ever want to define things because they don't want more disappointment.

They're unaffectionate - they can't give what they didn't get.

They're irresponsible - they've never had to be accountable for their own actions so they won't start now.

They're disrespectful.

They're aloof - they don't put work into relationships.

They're unconcerned about anyone's problems but their own.

CHANGE NARRATIVE

I had a complicated relationship with my late dad which I had to actively work on and address the issues a few years back.

I'm guessing many men also need to face their hang-ups, too There's absolutely no shame in that.

My age-mates are becoming dads keen on not parenting like their fathers. Did you feel that your father was abusive?

Do you feel that him not being there still hurts you until today? Do you feel that even when he was there, he wasn't really there? That's perfectly normal and the good thing is that you aren't alone.

The big question, dear gentleman, is whether you're going to own up to it and deal with the issue or you will eventually turn into the man you were so desperately avoiding to be.

Fight the monster. As Friedrich Nietzsche, the German philosopher says, 'If you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.'