Okay, so I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is Robert Mueller held a press conference today giving what he characterized as his only statement on the results of the Special Counsel investigation and he did not make wild accusations about Trump and hand out indictments like free samples at Costco. We all knew this wasn't going to happen but a lifetime of watching dramatic final moments on syndicated episodes of Matlock has trained us to expect stunning reversals delivered with measured folksy charm. Truth be told, a Constitutional crisis would have been a little ill-timed: this is a short holiday week, we're all still reeling from the finale of Killing Eve, we have to get tickets to watch future billion-dollar blockbuster Ma; who has the time? So, the bad news has a bit of silver lining! America!
The good news is that Robert Mueller stated clearly and unequivocally that he didn't not find evidence of alleged crimes committed or not committed by persons who are reportedly the President. Perhaps this doesn't seem like good news to you, but surely every American can find a silver lining in the fact that the sitting President is maybe or maybe not guilty of obstruction of justice depending on what you want to believe at this present moment. America! Land of opportunity!
Mueller told reporters, "as set forth in the report, after that investigation if we had had confidence that the president clearly did not commit a crime we would have said so." Boom! Got 'em! Sort of! Mueller went on to clarify that a president cannot be charged with a federal crime while in office, which feels like something that I should know about and perhaps we should vote on or something. America?!
"We did not, however, make a determination as to whether the president did commit a crime," he reiterated. "The Special Counsel's Office is part of the Department of Justice, and by regulation it was bound by that department policy. Charging the president with a crime was therefore not an option we could consider."
President Diplomatic Immunity is, of course, spinning this as a vindication but it seems clear that Mueller it trying to tell us that he is just the first half of an episode of Law & Order and it's up to Sam McCoy to proceed in a different jurisdiction. Mueller's like, "I don't have an opinion about what the facts I collected and reported suggest and if I did have an opinion, it would be that I don't have an opinion. Perhaps you should read the book."
This is like when you're taking the SATs and the special tutor/athletic recruiter that your celebrity parents hired to proctor the test for you keeps walking by your ScanTron and saying things like "I'm not taking this test but if I were I'd look at filling in the bubble for B on question 35. Again, I am not taking this test, but A would not be a bubble I'd fill out. Maybe B. Maybe D. There are many options. But A, to review, is not one."
As part of the press conference, Mueller also announced he was retiring to return to private life. This was followed by a brief but energetic performance of the song "Y'all Got It" from the end of The Wiz.
Mueller then boarded a hot air balloon, called out to the gathered reporters, "Again, if I had found evidence of Trump's innocence, I would have said so. Just a parting thought. Didn't say so. Therefore..." and disappeared into the clouds.
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