| think about things as before and after the sexual assault. Before, | used to think very highly of the defendant. After, I didn't even know him. Before, | used to think he was one of the good ones. After, | realized he is just a good predator. Before, we always got along well and | loved that. Being a guarded person, | prided myself in recognizing a genuine person when I met them. After. It took one night for the defendant to change my mind about him and alter my life in ways | never thought could be possible. Before that night, I had just gotten accepted to grad school the weekend before, and my senior year of undergrad was going great. | was doing the best I've ever done in my classes. Work was great and | loved my coworkers. | had been eating healthier and working out more consistently and was really content with my life and my relationship. That night | went Denver to meet my best friend (Glam at her student housing and we had plans to go out for the first time since my 21st birthday a few months before. My boyfriend wasn't feeling well and being the homebody he was, decided to just call it a night and stay in. | knew that 9 and I, and whoever tagged along would have a great time. | was excited for the festivities. | got to SININNNEB house and we had a couple beers and were hanging out with the defendant, Jake. The defendant and | were talking and laughing like we usually do. SN had informed me of some unfortunate news and wasn’t in the mood to go out to the bars any longer. | convinced her that going out would be fun and she gave in. We met Jake and his friend out in Lodo area outside one of the bars later on that evening, Lines were ridiculous so we all walked until we found a less crowded spot. We went in. Sat down. | had a couple drinks of a cranberry vodka the defendant purchased for me and it hit pretty hard. The last thing | remember is going up to buy another one for me and 48 and sitting back down at the booth. And then it all went black. A lot of things in my life went black after that. Next thing | remember is being in bed with Jake. | couldn't move. His arms were wrapped around me. | heard pounding. | felt | was in a paralyzed state where | could hear what was going ‘on around me but couldn’t move. When | finally came to, | got out of bed and stumbled into the living room. | was very confused and people were fighting. | asked lm what was going on. She said | was in jakes bed. | thought to myself, no this is @ARNNB room |'m in QE room. And then my world started spinningJake was a trusted friend, one of the few, I didn’t know what was happening. | blamed myself. It’s my fault | said, as | bawled and bawled and bawled. It must be a misunderstanding. | woke up the next day and | had work at 9. | texted work saying I'd be late. | fell back asleep til 12. Then fell back asleep til 5. | told my boyfriend I was at work. | couldn't dare face him yet. When | finally got out of bed at 5 | went back to S559 and grabbed my clothes and changed. My underwear was inside out, and my dress was ripped by my hip. | noticed as | went to the restroom. That's weird, | thought, but didn’t think much of it. | headed out, and sent an incredibly hard text to my boyfriend telling him what happened. He called me livid, and then hung up on me mid-sentence. He called my best friend quickly to check my story. ! came to his house and we had a blow-out fight. How do you expect someone to comprehend that you don't know what happened to you? How can you explain something that you don’t even want to believe yourself? I went home to grab clothes for the next school day. My mom could tell was upset, and I told her what happened. She told me it sounds like | was drugged. | just kind of brushed it off ‘thinking it was crazy. | went to school the next day, and met ‘@@8 for lunch. We talked about the crazy weekend, and she insisted there's no way | walked down that hall by myself to, defendants room. She said, “We could barely get you home.” She was so sure, and I had no idea. She assured me she would have the cameras checked. I get a text 30 minutes after being back in campus to come back to the lofts. | call her on my way and | just hear, "he carried you". | don’t think it had hit me yet. | was going through the motions. When we spoke to the leasing office, the agent told me | had three options. 1, Do nothing 2. File a complaint 3. Press charges. | still couldn’t reconcile that this had happened. He was my friend. | said, “Who cares if he carried me? That's nothing, Nothing can be proved.” (i) said, "You can't let him get away with this and do this to another girl.” The wisest words I've ever heard come out of her mouth. Police were called and I gave my statement. They took me to Denver health to do a rape kit. | called my mom and told her everything. | instructed her to grab my ripped dress out of the trash can and my black lacy thong with discharge on both side and put it in a paper bag and bring into the ER to meet me, My mom sat with me while my vagina got analyzed and my body got swabbed and photographed. They gave me oral contraceptives and a handful of antibiotics to take to prevent STD's. We left the hospital and drove home. | immediately drove to my (gummy because that’s what | did almost every night, Wishing | would have just been there two nights ago. He tried to act normal and was scared to upset me. | went to the bathroom pulled down my pants and sat on the toilet.‘And then, after hours, the weight and pain of it all hit me. | had never felt so bare and disgusted with my body as | did pulling down my pants in the bathroom that evening | felt so disgusting because | was so unsure what had happened to me. | didn't go to work for ‘the whole next week. | didn't go to school. | didn't go home. | stayed with my boyfriend, | had to ask one of my teachers to take the scheduled exam a few days later because | went out on Halloween night and one of my friends spiked my drink and took me from my best friends bed down the hall and locked me in his room and that | haven't had time to study because I've been talking to detectives and doing interviews. When | finally decided to come back to school because | had to take my test. | started bawling in the car halfway there. My boyfriend had to pull the car over because | was hyperventilating. The thought of stepping back into my world and pretending | was the same, was anxiety ridden: After all of this, | was terrified to go back to school | didn't know how to move forward. How to sit in a class room and act normal. How to focus. How to learn. All these new feelings. I've never understood what it's like to be so unhappy that you just want to sleep. To be in so much pain that you'd give anything to feel something else. To understand that people cut themselves because they want to feel something different then the dull pain they constantly feel all of the time. To understand that physical pain might be better or more bareable than emotional. Before, | didn’t understand things like being in so much pain that you just don't want to live anymore because it hurts too much, only wanting to be around one person because it's too exhausting to act like you're okay when you're not around everyone else. | felt that this one awful Halloween night was so disruptive to my life that I needed to attend therapy. In therapy they taught me how to count the shapes in the room, and create imagery of a safe place to get my mind off of the nightmare that was my life. ‘While my whole life is changing, and the defendant was showing no remorse. He was still living in the apartment that he made me prisoner in, only suspended from school but deciding he was above the rules enough to still step foot on campus. Feeling shameless enough to post “Bill Cosby" jokes on social media, Feeling let down by the justice system | later find out that the defendant doesn't care enough about what he has done that he misses his own court date and gets arrested in Hawaii. The defendant was supposed to be extradited back to Colorado because he broke a condition of bail. And then only to be let out unlawfully because the jail staff didn't want to do their jobs correctly. I'm in this hell and he's not taking it seriously, and, apparently, neither was law enforcement. | was supposed to feel safe but wasn't. | came to you Judge terrified by the thought that the person who hurt me, and was supposed to be in custody prior to a hearing, was free all weekend in Denver with no restrictions. All of this is going on for months and | still don’t know what happened to me Halloween night. It wasn’t until a year and a half after | was assaulted that | found out for sure that I was raped. | tried to tell myself, “Well I wasn’t sore so it must not have happened. My friends must have stopped it before it went that far. I would be able to tell if that had happened.” The DA, 6 months in changed the charges from attempted sexual assault to actual, But they said that didn't for sure mean | was raped so | must have not been. After a year and a half of trying toconvince myself that | was saved, ! was finally informed that I was not. Along with a verdict, | became familiar with the rape charge. My family knew before | did, the jury knew before I.did, everyone that was allowed to be in court room the entire week and a half of trial knew before | did, what had happened to me. | now live in a world where you can't trust friends and you can't trust law enforcement. | watched him hurt my family, destroy my relationship, destroy people's trust in humanity, | watched people put blame on me and blame on themselves when there was only one person to blame. | finally realized why women do not come forward most of the time when they are taken advantage of... because it's hell. It's a process where over and over again you begin to heal only to have the Band-Aid get ripped off. There is no closure. {As part of the process of “seeking justice”, you have to keep secrets from new people that you meet because you don't want everyone knowing you're in the middle of dealing with your sexual assault case, and because you don’t want to be accused of tampering. You hide in bathroom stalls crying when you try to go out and be normal again because you realize you're drunk and soon become terrified that you can't protect yourself. Dating is nearly impossible because guys don't want to start a relationship with someone so damaged and still in a damaging process. You are hesitant to take an amazing job offer that you would never question accept for the fact that you did your rape kit at their facility and don’t want a constant reminder of that event. You finally move on to a new campus where you don't have to be reminded everyday of your hell and then realize you have to disclose your restraining order with campus police. You can’t go out to a Rockies game without your protection order in your bag because there was hearing that day and the defendant thinks he's on vacation when he's here and is likely to attend. This was not my life before. ‘Through this entire process | have watched and waited for the defendant and his mother to realize what he did was wrong, To show some remorse. It's been over a year and a half and I'm still as disgusted as ever. But my situation isn’t unique. it’s easy to turn on the television and see multiple stories about rapists not getting the punishments they deserve. | realized its things like this that allows the defendant to have a sense of comfort. How can he be scared when he sees people just like getting away with this all of the time? In. fact, you realize Austin Wilkerson was your class acquaintance a year ago because he got kicked out of CU for sexual assault and was forced to attend your school. He was in your class and sat right next to you and was in your group for class work. You made small talk and came to know another predator that ‘the justice system allowed to be free. You realize this one night at 11pm and lie awake distraught and terrified crying until 4 am after attempting to sedate yourself with the Xanax you are now prescribed. It starts to make more sense why the defendant is not remorseful. | think back how | was informed soon after the incidence that the defendant has gotten away with something similar previously. The defendants past friends reluctantly shared with you that he was expelled from high school in Hawaii for a similar incident. You were told the victim was bullied into droppingthe charges and that is how the defendant was allowed to attend the same college campus as you and do what he did to you. How can | feel safe? How can any college student feel safe with this epidemic that is amongst us. And here we are. Standing before you, Judge, debating if he deserves prison time or not. | am sickened all over again. Finding another moment in my life that will be defined as before and after. Another chapter, “Before the sentencing and after the sentencing.” He has done nothing but darken my world and has caused me to lose trust in people who don't deserve it. He has shown no remorse, but | imagine will put on a show today. He needs to pay for what he did and | don't think he will come to terms with himself and his actions without a prison sentence. Don't allow another predator to go free. This isn't justice and it isn't right. The community needs to know that they're safe and that people who do such heinous crimes are punished and aren't stepping foot on college campuses. Allow today to be defined as: Before sentencing, there was fear. There was pain. There was a crime and a conviction. After sentencing, there was justice. Thank you.