Yesterday, news broke that Brett Kavanaugh, a dude on whom seemingly no one in power did literally any background research, was once involved in a bar fight in college that resulted in him being questioned by the police. Just regular chill-guy rage stuff. Nothing to see here. Per the report in the New York Times, Kavanaugh threw ice at another patron at a bar, like he was channeling Brandi Glanville on Real Housewives.
This, in and of itself, is not a crime. (And would probably get him cast on most of the reality shows on television. "Hello, Brett Kavanaugh? It's Monique from Bad Girls Academy. I watched your hearing and I saw the clownery jump out. I'd like to speak with you about a future collaboration.") The police report cited in the Times is supplemented by a firsthand report by another Yale classmate, unironically named Chad Ludington.
Per Chad, the altercation started when Kavanaugh could not stop staring at a man who he thought was the lead singer of the band UB40. The man did not take kindly to this and told Kavanaugh to stop. And that's when the ice was thrown. Although, Chad says it was a beer. I'm going to assume that it was a beer with ice, which is, in and of itself grounds for impeachment.
This episode is another in a long, strange list of facts about Kavanaugh's past that have come up only because he and Republican leadership seem hellbent on lying to the American public about easily disprovable facts. But that is not the point of this article. Lying, malfeasance at the highest levels of government, random outbursts—that’s all de riguer here in Suck City. What’s unusual, and worthy of the deepest of deep dives, is the fact that Kavanaugh got into the fateful fisticuffs, that icy-beered brouhaha, that Supreme Court-thwarting scuffle, over the lead singer from UB40, Ali Campbell.
Beloveds, I need you to process that America’s chillest very angry calendar-keeping future judge decided to throw hands after taking in the melodic sounds of Britain’s preeminent reggae pop band fronted by a white Englishman. Whomst among us hasn't gone completely aggro when running into celebrities out and about? This is what happens when keeping it real goes delightfully wrong.
While Kavanaugh's diminishing reputation is, by this time, nothing new, this particular episode allows me to finally write the article I've been pitching to no avail for seven years:
An Appreciation of UB40's Best Song, "(I Can't Help) Falling In Love With You" From the Soundtrack to the Movie Sliver Starring Sharon Stone and Billy Baldwin
As Brett Kavanaugh is very aware, UB40 is a very successful band that performs reggae pop (which is a thing) and is comprised of a diverse group of musicians, like it was created by a casting director in the late-90s. The band had a lot of hits, including "Red Red Wine" and "Food For Thought." And in 1993 they released the greatest song ever, "Can't Help Falling In Love." The song was alternately titled "(I Can't Help) Falling In Love With You" which, when combined with the first title, seems like a halting Jeff Goldblum line delivery.
Why is this the greatest song ever? I'll tell you:
It was a cassingle. In the olden days, when an artist released a song, it would be distributed on a cassette tape you could buy at Sam Goody for like a dollar. The cassettes had little cardboard sleeves, like a Hot Pocket for music. It was a beautiful thing.
I was 12 and I had no idea what the song meant but that didn't stop me from playing it on repeat and quietly weeping when Ali sang "Take my hand/ take my whole life too/ Cuz I can't help falling in love with you." I was in my feelings.
The song is a masterpiece of muddled diction. Ariana Grande has nothing on Ali Campbell's complete lack of consonants.
There are horns! At the end! Like Ska Night in Heaven, the song crescendo's with a triumphant series of horn blasts that sent pre-teen me completely over the edge.
The song was part of the soundtrack for the erotic thriller Sliver starring Sharon Stone, Billy Baldwin, and Tom Berenger. It was written by Joe Ezsterhas, who also brought us the masterpiece that is Showgirls. The film currently has a 12% rating on Rotten Tomatoes but the soundtrack is chock full o' bangers! In addition to UB40's greatest work, the soundtrack also includes "Oh Carolina" by Shaggy, "Move With Me" by Neneh Cherry, and "Unfinished Sympathy" by Massive Attack. All of this backing a movie about people having sex and sometimes murdering. The 1990s were very strange!
Perhaps best of all, unlike Elvis' ballad-like original, UB40's cover is sung with an uptempo earnest glee. It's like a Kidz Bop song except sung by adults and featuring a music video that takes place on the closed circuit surveillance video of an elevator.
In short, UB40 is one of our greatest pop non sequiturs and I can see why Brett Kavanaugh, level-headed wise jurist, got heated and decided go for the bing pow after one of their concerts. This all scans. The only question I have is whether the guy he fought was actually Ali Campbell. Any thoughts on this, Chad?
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