Finally some good international political news! Those stunt queens at Madame Tussauds London have unveiled a wax figure of American Royalty Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter that actually looks like her, breaking the years-long curse of horrific avatars that sully and besmirch the likeness and reputation of our Queen. And, as if that weren't cause enough to celebrate, Madame Tussauds, in their infinite wisdom, placed said wax figure smack dab in the middle of their royals section, snugly between erstwhile American princess Meghan Markle and future queen Kate Middleton.
Beyoncé's placement in amongst the British royals temporarily displaces the Other Queen who, when told about the switch reportedly said, "Are you kidding? By all means. Slay queen! Do you think this will get me a Tidal discount code?"
Beyoncé, who is both King and Queen of the United States, is dressed in her yellow Beychella Balmain crop top and has a defiant raised fist and I have never pledged allegiance to anything so hard in my life. It bears repeating that the figure is so accurate and lifelike one fears that it veers into sacrilege. Are we allowed to make such an apt image of our Queen? Will the Gods (Blue Ivy and the twins) be angered with us? Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could make a wax Beyoncé they never stopped to ask themselves if they should make a wax Beyoncé?
But, until the fire rains down from Mount H-Town, let's stop worrying and love the sovereign simulacrum. Personally, I have devoted years of my life to praying that I'd live to see a good Beyoncé wax figure. I'd seen what the Madame has done for other celebrities and I wanted it for me. Well, you're welcome America and all the ships at sea: my prayers have been answered and not a minute Tussaud.
Real talk, though: it is truly unhinged that the mad geniuses at the London museum actually carted Queen Elizabeth away and replaced her with Beyoncé. Is this the plot of Mary Queen of Scots? Beyoncé Queen of Bops? Let's workshop it.
Seriously though, they couldn't just slide Queen Elizabeth over so they could share billing like the Queen was the second lead singer on Destiny's Child? No one tell Boris Johnson about this. Or, actually, do: I'd love to see the Prime Minister try to come for Bey only to be pummeled into biscuit dust by the Hive.
Does anyone have Olivia Colman's cell number? I need information about how this development will be covered on The Crown. I'm thinking a two-episode arc dedicated solely to the wax coroné-tion, but I'm open to discussion.
What's the Queen of England up to, though? I want a separate photo series of Queen Elizabeth traipsing through other wax worlds, Carmen Sandiego-style. Queen Elizabeth replacing Zane in One Direction. Queen Elizabeth talking shop with RBG on the Supreme Court. Queen Elizabeth vogueing with Billy Porter. This is the wax world we deserve.
It's delightful that Beyoncé, manifesting Nala-realness, is placed next to the Duchess of Sussex as it reaffirms my most deeply held belief that they are best friends who have a group chat with Serena Williams and Oprah Winfrey full of GIFs of themselves. Beyoncé last met the Duchess at the London premiere of The Lion King, but of course you remember that because the date is now commemorated as the first international holiday. New Year's Eve who?
THE POWER THAT THIS HAS. Every air molecule hovering between Beyoncé, American Royalty, and Meghan Markle, British Royalty, automatically got knighted and also blessed and highly favored. And the same thing is now happening in the space between their two figures at Madame Tussauds. You ever get envious of wax? Just sitting here thinking about all of my life choices and wondering why none of them were "turn myself into wax somehow in hopes of one day being crafted into Beyoncé's royal image, which will one day be perfected and placed where it belongs: in the middle of the royal family as the ruler of all things and the queen of the wax universe."
