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Liz rested her head against the steering wheel as she took deep breaths, trying to will herself to go inside the apartment building she had been parked outside of, for 2 hours. It had been weeks since her meeting with Ressler and he had been calling her non-stop, presumably to see how she was considering she watched Reddington kill her mother.
After watching the last piece of her family, having two bullets fired into their chest and being thrown in a van, all she wanted to do was disappear, go numb, forget Reddington, forget answers, forget living. So she drove the car she stole from Dembe straight to her hotel room, where she crawled in bed, and went comatose. After eighteen days of drowning in her own head, she managed to force herself up and check her phone. Liz had numerous calls from Ressler, Aram, Reddington, and even Cooper, but it had been the voicemail from her mother that had set her into motion.
The voicemail didn’t contain enough for her to be at peace with going back to her regular life, in fact it was actually pushing her further into her quest for answers but it was hope, something she couldn’t seem to muster up on her own. She suddenly didn’t feel five steps behind Reddington. She had a lead that he had no idea she had, and he was definitely not expecting her to be actively pursuing him so she had the advantage for once.
Despite how thankful Liz was that her mother recorded Reddington’s N-13 confession, she felt a sting of betrayal as she listened to her mother dangle her in their conversation. Katerina bragged about getting her to trust her, as though Liz was so blinded by her desire for a family she’d trust a snake. Despite how she felt about her mother after that voicemail she knew that the intelligence and resources she had would prove very useful.
When she began looking into a few small leads she was approached by a man she remembered as Katerina’s right hand man, Mark Rackos. He had said that her mother had instructed him to assist her if anything ever happened to her. Liz was skeptical at first but when he showed her some promising leads she knew it would be a waste to not trust him. Mark had then told her they needed to fully commit themselves for the next few weeks, and to say her goodbyes and prepare for a long trip, which is what she was currently conflicted on. There was only one person she wanted to say goodbye to but she knew that would only make things harder, but she needed to see him, whether it was for a goodbye or just for her sanity. Just one more time. One more moment where all of the chaos and pain disappeared.
She took one final encouraging breath before knocking twice on his door. She heard footsteps moving throughout the apartment and towards the door. Her heart began beating so fast that she thought she was going to pass out before he reached the door. It felt like everything was in slow motion as she watched the doorknob turn and the door open to reveal Ressler behind it. He looked like he’d seen a ghost, his jaw immediately dropping and eyes widening dramatically. He looked her up and down, quickly assessing whether she was hurt, or running from something. Once he realised she was fine he just stared at her in complete disbelief, as if he wasn’t sure she was actually there.
“Keen.” He stated, as if saying her name was going to confirm whether she was actually there.
Liz released a shaky breath before properly looking at him, silently praying he’d look angry or hurt, any emotion that wouldn’t leave her forced to break his heart. She felt a pang in her heart when she was met with a hopeful glint in his eyes. God, of course his unreasonable blind spot for her was going to make this harder. She wished he was mad, she had abandoned him and the Task Force for her mother, she deserved for him to hate her.
Liz dropped her head, unable to meet his pale blue eyes. She tried to figure out her next move, hoping he’d make it for her. Liz took a small step forward and opened her mouth to say something, anything, but she couldn’t seem to get the right words out.
“Can I come in?” She finally decided on.
Ressler stepped back and opened the door, waiting until she was fully in his apartment to shut the door behind her. He took off her coat and hung it on a hook before finally beginning to speak his mind.
“Liz, what’s going on? Where have you been? I’ve called you a billion times, I thought you were…..God, I’m so glad you're okay.”
Not giving her a single second to digest his rambling he pulled her into a tight embrace. Liz had never seen this side of Ressler, she’d seen him worried before but she’d never seen him so openly concerned about her, especially after she’d just blatantly betrayed him.
Liz gave herself five, solid seconds of enjoying the comfort and warmth of his arm’s lock on her, before forcing herself back into reality.
“Ressler.”
He held onto her tighter, not wanting to release her, despite her hands lightly pushing at his chest. As much as she never wanted him to let go of her she knew what she needed to do.
“Ressler.” She repeated.
Ressler finally released her from his grip and when he made eye contact with her, he knew something was up. His expression blankened, and he went straight back into serious Agent-Ressler mode. He led her to his living room, sitting her down on the couch.
“Keen?”
The visible fear in his voice was gut wrenching and she dropped her head just thinking that it was her, her that caused that fear, that disappearance of hope.
“I…umm…..” She felt as though she was about to kick a puppy. “I felt that I owed you goodbye. Unlike last time.”
And there it was, the kick to the puppy, the knife in the back. Liz watched as his face dropped, and his eyes went cold.
“So you’re what Keen? Running away and wanted to twist the knife?”
“Ressler I—“
“No Liz, you don’t get to just tell me you need me, then kiss me, and then disappear for a month just to come back and tell me you're leaving.” The look of pure pain on his face made her want to take it all back, everything she’d done the past 8 years, this was how it always went, she did something stupid and ended up hurting him.
“I’m not running away, there’s just something I need to do.” Liz said quietly, waiting for him to yell at her, or arrest her, finally treat her the way she deserved to be treated, not this caring facade.
Ressler had his head down and he looked as though he was trying to wrap his head around everything. She reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder, caressing his bicep with her fingertips and breathing in deeply, trying to restrain herself from breaking into a million pieces and expecting him to pick up the pieces, once again.
He finally sighed and lifted his head to meet her eyes, which he started into compassionately.
“Keen—Liz…..Can I just do one final thing?”
Liz immediately nodded and felt her heart drop as he shifted closer to her. He cupped her face with both hands, caressing her cheeks with his thumbs as he looked at her, waiting for permission. She didn’t care if it made it harder if he wanted to kiss her, who was she to stop him. She hesitantly nodded, and angled her head as she watched him slowly leaned in. The anticipation was agonising as she waited, reminiscing the last time she had his lips on hers. It wasn’t necessarily a pleasant memory but kissing him was worth whatever baggage came with it.
Ressler’s lips finally met hers, brushing softly, as he placed a light, feathery kiss to her lips, before pulling away and resting his forehead against hers, tightly shutting his eyes as he did so. He breathed her in as he continued to cup her cheeks, restraining her from leaning back in, keeping the small, but still there, distance between them. Liz placed her hands on top of his, and lightly tugged at them, intertwining her fingers with his. He opened his eyes, locking eyes with her, and for a second she thought she had broken him out of whatever trance he was in, but his eyes were filled with such sorrow that she knew that wasn’t the case. Liz wanted to kiss him again, kiss away his pain, but she knew she couldn’t let herself do that. He had wanted to kiss her goodbye, she let him, and now she wouldn’t do anything that would make this harder on either of them.
“Don’t go.” Ressler begged, his voice sounding so broken, and miserable.
She had to bite down on her lip to keep herself from crying as he continued to beg, and try to bargain with her. He dropped his head into the crook of her neck, forehead resting on her shoulder, as he muttered pleads and Liz finally let her tears fall.
“Please Liz.” He began to press light kisses on her shoulder and across her collar bone. “I need you.” Ressler whispered into her neck and she had to choke back a sob. It was everything she could have ever wanted to hear from him yet it felt like a hammer to her heart.
Ressler carried on presssing faint, feathery, barely there kisses, higher and higher, until he reached just under her ear, where he removed his lips from her skin, and released a hot breath, as he hovered above the spot.
“I love you.” He breathed out, and he released his hands from hers to brush her hair behind her ear.
Liz froze up and felt more, hot tears pouring down her cheeks, as she shut her agape mouth. Of course he had to finish her off, and make it that much harder. She wanted to say it back, tell him she loved him too, but the only way for her to make it easier on him was to not say it back, so he wouldn’t doubt that she meant it when she had to leave.
Ressler continued to mumble ‘I love yous’ as one of his hands slid itself to her jaw, where he rested his thumb against her bottom lip. The sensation of both him nipping the skin around her ear and his rough thumb wedging its way between her lips was too much and she released a small moan of defeat. Ressler took this as the green light and he gently tilted her face down to his. His lips came at hers firmly, and with such urgency, Liz couldn’t stop herself from kissing him back, if this was what he wanted, who was she to not let him have it. He was pushing his tongue against the seam of her lips, begging for entry, Liz allowed it, as she let her hands travel down his back.
Their kisses involved teasing and sucking, and they were in perfect sync. Liz found herself taking it further slipping her fingers beneath his shirt, and moving herself practically into his lap. She looped her arms around his neck and pulled him into her, needing more of him as she slowly lowered herself down against the plush leather of Ressler’s couch, pulling him down with his. She pulled her boots off with her feet and wrapped her legs around him, digging her heels into his lower back, pushing his lower half against hers.
“God Liz.” He mumbled into her mouth, between kisses.
Liz dragged her fingernails along the firm muscles in his back eliciting a deep groan from him that went straight to her core. She then anchored herself into his shoulder and rolled him underneath her, so she was on top of him, her legs straddling his abdomen. Liz gave him some one last kiss before pulling herself away from him to sit up and toy with the hem of her shirt. Ressler tried to sit up but she pushed him back down as she finally slid the shirt over her head and returned back down to him. She nipped at the skin on his jaw and left a sloppy trail of kisses down his throat as his hands moved from her waist to palm her ass as he groaned.
A knock on the door caused Liz to pull away and regain herself but Ressler didn’t stop, he went to attack her neck, sucking and biting at the soft skin. She couldn’t find it in her to relax back into him, as that knock felt like a check back into reality, and a reminder that she was indeed leaving.
“Ressler.”
He wrapped his arms underneath her torso and lifted her to his mouth, pressing kissing down her chest, all the way down her bare navel. He paused once he reached the button of her jeans, brushing his nose against the zipper. Liz threaded her fingers through his hair as he continued to brush himself against the opening of her jeans.
“Let us just have this one night.”
Her breath slightly hitched as he rested his chin on her stomach looking up at her, seeking her permission. She knew he could sense her hesitation but she couldn’t find it in her to dismiss the need in his eyes. Liz took a deep breath and nodded, immediately knowing she made the right decision when his eyes lit up and a small, but genuine, smile crept across his face. In one swift motion Ressler had lifted her up, bridal style, and was carrying her into the next room, where he delicately placed her in the centre of his bed.
Liz laid in Ressler’s bed, his arms circling her. She had told herself she’d leave by one and it was now four. She had spent those three hours watching him sleep, while she caressed his face and toyed with his hair, memorising every feature. The serious Mr I’m-Just-Doing-My-Job Donald Ressler was completely void when he slept and he looked youthful, and carefree as he slept. It’d been a while since she’d seen anything other than his concerned gaze and furrowed so she couldn’t help but bathe in this rare calm.
She knew her window to leave was running out and if Ressler woke up before she left, she’d never leave. The thought of not leaving at all did cross her mind but she knew she couldn’t live a life where she’d always have a foot in the past, trying to decipher the truth from the web of lies she’d been fed. She wanted to stay with Ressler throughout the journey but she knew she couldn’t afford to have any more vulnerabilities in her life.
She placed a lingering kiss on his cheek as she cupped his face and brushed her nose against his. Before he could even have a chance to wake up she carefully slipped out of his grasp and began to collect her clothes.
When it was time to go she found herself stuck in his doorway, desperate to not have to leave him behind but it was only a matter of time before he realised she did. A notepad on his bedside table caught her eye, and she immediately picked up the pen next to it and went to work, tears falling left and right as she did so.
“I love you too.” She whispered, as she stole one last glance at him. She then forced herself through the rest of his apartment, picking up her remaining clothes on the way.
Liz quietly shut the door behind and released a deep breath as she tried not to crumble before she even left his building. As she made her way to his elevator her phone began to ring and before looking at it she already knew who it was.
“I’m on my way.” Liz said as she picked up the phone.
A scoff was released on the other end and she was crossing her fingers that her visit to Ressler’s hadn’t caused her to miss out on this opportunity.
“It’s wheels up in an hour, be here in 20.”
She sighed as he hung up and the doors to the elevator dang as they opened. As she stepped in she tried to focus on the problem at hand. Answers. Ressler wasn’t an option she needed to focus on something that wouldn’t end up dead or realise she’s a heartless monster.