Housing and Urban Development Secretary Ben Carson is on a national listening tour, speaking with people who use public housing. The former presidential candidate, who turned down a cabinet appointment because he claimed he had no experience and couldn't run a government agency only to be appointed to HUD weeks later, stopped by the Courtside Miami Apartments today. Because reality is now being expertly written by the staff of the Veep, the surgeon who was once portrayed by Cuba Gooding, Jr., in a movie, spent a good chunk of the morning stuck in an elevator.
There are no official reports about what he did or said while in the elevator, but here's a pretty good guess.
Picture it. Miami. 2017. Ben Carson steps into the elevator carriage. There is a woman standing inside. Let's call her Paula. He nods. The doors close. The elevator jerks upward and then stops suddenly. After a long, painful silence, Dr. Carson turns toward the woman.
CARSON: This is a lovely studio apartment you have here.
PAULA: This is an elevator.
CARSON: I'm not familiar with that term. Is that regional?
PAULA: I don't think so?
CARSON: Well, I guess we'll never know.
More silence.
CARSON: You could put up some photos or something.
PAULA: Where?
CARSON: Here. Or paint the walls. HomeGoods has some great art. You know, with paint or something. I like artwork on the walls.
PAULA: Is that right?
CARSON: Everyone does. Americans hate blank walls. We're not like the Swedish. It's a fact.
PAULA: We are not Swedish.
CARSON: Very good. I'm Dr. Ben Carson.
PAULA: I know.
CARSON: I would shake your hand but, well...
PAULA: Your hands are gifted.
CARSON: My hands are gifted.
PAULA: It's fine. So, why are you here?
CARSON: In your apartment?
PAULA: This isn't an apartment.
CARSON: Believe in yourself!
PAULA: Okay.
CARSON: Very good. So, do you want to give me a tour?
PAULA: Um...
CARSON: Is this your kitchen? What do the buttons do?
PAULA: That's the control panel. You choose which floor you want to go to. Because this is an elevator?
CARSON: That doesn't make any sense. Oh! I've seen this on Star Trek! How fancy. "Computer: Earl Grey. Extra hot."
He pushes a button.
PAULA: It doesn't make tea.
CARSON: Is that because of... (whispers) The Sunken Place?
PAULA: Um, sure...
CARSON: Phew, that was close.
PAULA: Gotta be careful out here.
CARSON: Yeah, they keep trying to get me. But I've dodged them so far.
PAULA: Have you, though?
CARSON: So... I'm on a national listening tour.
PAULA: Okay...
CARSON: So...
PAULA: Yes?
CARSON: I'm listening.
Another silence.
PAULA: What do you want me to say?
CARSON: Tell me something about you and your... housing... in this... urban... development?
PAULA: Well. Okay... I'm—
CARSON: I'll start. So, I am the HUD Secretary. Like on Designated Survivor. I am the Kiefer Sutherland of this administration. That's how I remember. When I first got the job I thought they said Hug Secretary, which made me really happy. But this is nice, too.
PAULA: What do you do all day?
CARSON: Look at houses on Zillow.
PAULA: Same, actually.
CARSON: Are you trying to move?
PAULA: Eventually, I need more space. I've been rebuilding my credit after getting screwed over by a predatory lender. The house, my dream house, just went back on the market. It's been eight years. But I really think I can get it this time. Say, actually, I was told to apply for a FHA loan. I guess this is kismet. Do you think you could give me some tips?
CARSON: On what?
PAULA: The Federal Housing Administration loan application. I figured you'd be the perfect person to ask.
CARSON: Hm. That's tricky. I've never heard of any of the words you just said but I guess if I had to give some advice I'd say, "Do your best."
PAULA: Oh.
CARSON: Yes. You're welcome. Okay, good talk. Do you think the tea is ready yet?
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