THE FIRST TEMPTATION OF ROBERTO
So last season, just after Manchester City lost to Arsenal to extend a stumble that saw them turn a five-point lead at the top of the Premier League into an eight-point deficit, Roberto Mancini figured it was time for some serious talking. Quite right too. Mario Balotelli, for one, needed to be persuaded to concentrate more on football and less on chasing opponents around pitches to boot them up in the air in a manner not dissimilar to berserker pigeon-botherers in Trafalgar Square, except with no cider and a good deal less fist-waving at bendy red buses. Also, someone had to keep checking Carlos Tevez hadn't got his head lodged in his gaping orifice again, and continue blowing smoke up James Milner's, and waking up Adam Johnson in the middle of the night just to say "oh sorry, wrong number". Also, we now learn, the manager had to have another chat about getting the hell out of Manchester.
As revealed on Thursday exclusively by plucky news peddler Big Paper – cash-strapped but ever-resourceful, at least for another while – Mancini last April resumed talks initiated previously with the Russian billionaire owner of AS Monaco, with items on the agenda including (b) Mancini leading the club back into the French top-flight and (a) Mancini being paid the entire global reserves of gold and Jacuzzis.
"Last season I was very close to seven, eight teams," confirmed Mancini on Friday, seeing no reason to deny exploring other cash cows at a time when he appeared to be making a dog's dinner of City. As it turned out, neighbouring donkeys Manchester United did a Devon Loch to gift the Premier League to City, meaning the club's owners decided to offer him a new contract themselves, and Mancini was shrewd enough to sign it before he bungled another Big Cup campaign.
"I prefer to stay here because I work well here the first three years," beamed the manager who is on course to guide City to successive bottom-place finishes in Big Cup groups. "If someone thinks we didn't do a good job – we won three trophies in two years and I'm very happy, we work well," continued the 2012 Charity Shield champion.
Now Mancini insists his focus is solely on City, with various factors making him feel more comfortable: not, presumably, the purchases of Jack Rodwell and Scott Sinclair, but the purge of former top banana and prize cabbage Garry Cook, the relocation of Brian Marwood to somewhere out of Mancini's sight, and the recruitment of fancy-dan foreign mandarins such as Ferran Soriano and the new director of football, Txiki Begiristain.
"Now I think the next three or four years will be very important for us," crooned Mancini. "I think that now with Ferran and Begiristain we can work very well – we can improve our team … I sign a contract for the next five years because I believe in this squad, because I can work with serious people like the owner and the chairman, really serious people, and to work with these people is fantastic – it's difficult to find people that work well with the manager and for me it's a fantastic situation. And now I think we have time to improve and build a stronger team." Or, at least, more Jacuzzis.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Soccer player David Beckham (L) and actor Russell Brand (3rd L) pose for a photo with unidentified fans during the NBA basketball game between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Dallas Mavericks in Los Angeles" – caption supplied by Reuters for the above photo. Poor old Robbie Keane.
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FIVER LETTERS (INCLUDING AN EXCITING NEW COMPETITION)
"All these references to Tin Pot seem inappropriate (yesterday's Fiver). With a credit card, not a tin of lager, sponsoring the competition, Plastic Pot should be the new name" – Stephen Osborne.
"Bruce Cooper (yesterday's Fiver) may get some pride from seeing a Toronto player in the Republic's squad, but that's nothing compared to the fans of Manchester City (Aguero), Barcelona (Messi), and Real Madrid (Higuain) who have the honour of seeing their players line up with Wigan's Franco di Santo in the forward line of the latest Argentina squad. I'm not sure what Carlos Tevez is feeling at being kept out of the team by Di Santo, but it's probably not pride" – Mark Ireland.
COMPETITION ALERT! From Monday, for a limited time only (basically until we run out of the copies stashed under the desk) we're giving away a copy of Football Manager 2013 (given a five-star rating by no lesser a source than Big Paper) for the letter of the day. So get scribbling, particularly because no one ever bothers to write in to Fiver Letters over the weekend because they've got better things to do.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.
BITS AND BOBS
Sir Alex Ferguson has donned his size 11 Doc Martens and waded into the Mark Clattenburg race row with all the cautious demurity of a flaming tank. "I don't believe Mark Clattenburg would make any comments like that. I refuse to believe it," he dontholdbacktelluswhatyoureallythink-ed. "I think it is unthinkable in the modern climate. I just don't believe it – simple as that. There is no way a referee would stoop to that, I am convinced of that."
Arsene Wenger says he's not out for revenge at Old Trafford on Saturday, despite his Arsenal side getting on the wrong end of an 8-2 shellacking at the ground last season. "Revenge? No," he purred. "Of course there is an emotional aspect to a result like that, but on a footballing front I don't think you give it too much importance."
Crystal Palace have made an official approach to Blackpool for Ian Holloway and now just have to wait. "We've made an official approach to Blackpool for Ian Holloway," said Palace chairman, Steve Parish. "And now we just have to wait."
STILL WANT MORE?
What would possess Roberto Mancini to consider leaving soggy Manchester and move to sun-drenched billionaires' playground Monaco, wonders Daniel Taylor. Not for long though, mind.
Barney Ronay strips to the waist, stretches his arms to the heavens and lets the recent glut of goals rain down on him as he welcomes the frenzied football times we're living in.
Louise Taylor has a wee think and comes up with 10 things to look forward to in the Premier League this weekend.
How good is the new version of Football Manager, asks top games reviewer Jack Arnott. Very good, answers top games reviewer Jack Arnott.
From a European Cup final to an epic Under-10s game, via Panenka and Pearce, Barry Glendenning picks half a dozen memorable penalty shootouts in this week's Joy of Six.