The Resilience of Modern Marriage

By Tara Parker-Pope
DESCRIPTIONCredit: Tyler Hicks/The New York Times, Jodi Hilton and Brendan Smialowski for The New York Times. Silda Wall Spitzer, Elizabeth Edwards and Hillary Clinton endured the spotlight as details of their politician-husbands’ affairs emerged.

It’s been a painful week on the marriage beat. Who didn’t wince watching South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford disclose details of a steamy affair during a rambling press conference? Only a few days earlier, our favorite reality TV couple Jon and Kate, parents of eight, revealed plans to divorce.

But as my colleague Ben Carey and I explore in today’s Sunday Styles section, marriages today are more resilient than you might think. A series of societal changes mean couples are marrying later, divorcing less and weathering marital storms like infidelity. To learn more, read the full story, “Marriage Stands Up For Itself,” and then please join the discussion below.

Has your marriage survived infidelity? What do you think of political wives like Elizabeth Edwards and Jenny Sanford who stay married despite their husband’s much publicized affairs?

Comments are no longer being accepted.

Rozmarija Grauds June 27, 2009 · 9:02 am

Learning more about human psychology aside, a stable marriage is a way to build financial security, a satisfied mortgage, family funds not split up. It doesn’t sound cold. If partners have a rational goal, that joint understanding CAN help them to see each other better as frail humans, distant from the artificial romance of film and song. There’s true love to be had in marriage, but we have to divorce ourselves from adolescent fantasies.

Craig Heinke June 27, 2009 · 9:26 am

It’s too early to say what Jenny Sanford is going to do; she only found about her husband’s infidelity a few weeks ago. Give her some time to make her decision.

Jax June 27, 2009 · 9:31 am

An enduring, but dysfunctional marriage is no success.

Most Western marriages end in divorce, separation, or living hell.

Lewese June 27, 2009 · 10:00 am

After 3 attempts at marriage, I just could not make it work. The concept is a generally good one, but difficult to achieve in reality. It does help to keep the cold and the dark at bay a little, though.

David in Toledo June 27, 2009 · 10:04 am

Rozmarija, this is so, like, on the money. Will you marry me?

David Hughes June 27, 2009 · 10:10 am

An extended affair is interesting because it demonstrates that [1] the person involved in the affair cannot be trusted, even in dealings with those he/she loves; [2] the extra-marital person involved knows that the person involved in the affair can’t be trusted in the present or future, because of the person’s break in trust with someone they professed to love, nor can the extra-marital person be trusted in the present or future; and [3] there is no reason for the spouse of the cheater to be trustful about the future with cheater. Everyone loses.

Human, all too human.

voracious reader June 27, 2009 · 10:18 am

Your question shouldn’t be “Has your marriage survived infidelity?”

What people should be researching is “What can we learn from marriages where there is NO infidelity.”

Furthermore, I’d love to know why people jump at the “opportunity.”

Somehow my brain was wired young, that if a man is “attached,” then he’s persona non grata. I could never understand why a woman would want to engage in pursuing a relationship with a person who is part of a couple. Never mind that a part of a couple would wander….

Likewise, when I married, while I have had many propositions, engaging in the opportunity has always been the furthest thing from my mind. Do I fantasize about other men? Absolutely. Would I ever put my fantasies to the test? Absolutely NOT.

In my immediate family, including my parents and siblings, there has never been any infidelity nor divorce.

Maybe Helen Fisher and the rest of the mating scientists should study people like my family. Have we defied the odds or are we some kind of genetic anomaly?

Kate vanHorn June 27, 2009 · 10:18 am

When we dispense with the adolescent dreams of “living happily ever after”, marriage is not a terribly satisfactory institution. After a courtship of tingling sensations, we have bills to pay, jealousy eruptions, money problems, and then there are the kids, – a bigger risk than anyone could ever imagine. – And the in-laws. If we’d face the realities, we might decide that single life with more control over our lives is not a poor way to live. Ah, freedom. And no one with any right to one’s assets.

The Healthy Librarian June 27, 2009 · 10:19 am

This is a terrific article, balanced, honest, and supported by research.

Favorite line:

“But the investment in a marriage lasting more than a few years usually includes more than fidelity. Spouses share history and goals, children and strong bonds to friends and community.”

Judging by myself & many of my long-married friends, marriage just gets better the longer it lasts, when the nest empties, and as we start accepting each other for who we are–forgiving faults–and realizing none of us is perfect.

We are who we are–for better or worse.

Wisest words of advice from Rhett Ellis:

“We’ve all got our good and bad sides. If you want to find love and joy in this lifetime you’ve got to live by mercy.

Focus on the best in people and ignore all the bad that you can ignore. It’s really that simple.”

When my husband & I celebrated our 37th anniversary last December I put a lot of thought into why we’re still together.

Among other things I chalk it up to:

The Bill Murray Groundhog Day Principle.

If you stay married long enough, and keep repeating the same stupid mistakes over & over again, you finally get it right! The light bulb will go on & you’ll figure out what works & what doesn’t. Ditch what’s not working.

As Paul Harvey would say, “For the Rest of Story”….

“Happy Anniversary – Secrets of a Good Marriage – Luck, the 5-1 Ratio & Bill Murray’s Groundhog Day”

//www.happyhealthylonglife.com/happy_healthy_long_life/2008/12/happy-anniversary.html

coal_train June 27, 2009 · 10:31 am

I am curious why the defenders of marriage are so freaked out by gay marriage when divorce is tearing up families and wreaking personal pain and social havoc on a daily basis, and has been for decades. Are the defenders of marriage willing to give up divorce? Maybe we need a constitutional amendment affirming that marriage is between two people … for life.

jeff June 27, 2009 · 10:33 am

Im with David in Toledo, Rozmarija has fantastic insight.

Blaise Faraday June 27, 2009 · 10:45 am

Although the article’s authors seem to glide over this fact, I found it to be the most interesting part of this article:
“But perhaps the strongest risk factor for infidelity, researchers have found, exists not inside the marriage but outside: opportunity.”

This would seem to suggest that, apart from doing all one can to build a happy marriage, one should also do their best to deny their spouse the opportunity. Keep their spouse close at hand, monitor their comings and goings. Without opportunity, the desire for infidelity may pass. There’s no time for an affair, anyways.

//www.bridegroomrevisited.blogspot.com

FROM TPP — I took that a different way. I don’t think we can control our partners or keep watch over them all the time, but we can certainly control ourselves. If we are aware that anybody is at risk when presented an opportunity, then we, if we value our relationships, can make sure we don’t put ourselves in tempting situations.

NurseTerry June 27, 2009 · 10:52 am

We have been married for 42 years. We have raised two excellent sons and have two excellent grandchildren. When our first son was looking for a wife, one of the criteria was that she have parents in a good and lengthy marriage. Immediately, that cut out 50% of the available young women. But he found one and they are very happy.
Son number two will be entering the state of marriage in August. He is older and wiser, having been through an engagement before. He also wished that his future wife come from a still-married parental unit. He, however, found his love on e-harmony.com. I was skeptical, but they match beautifully. I think that computer dating and matching may be on to something that we were not privy to: finding your soulmate. I would bet that that fact alone, plus the fact that people are getting married later is making for a lower divorce rate as stated in the article.
‘Remember that the love you take is equal to the love you make”
//www.caringisnotenough.net

Vanessa June 27, 2009 · 11:06 am

Any successful marriage of length is not one without problems, it’s one in which two people recognize that a lengthy history together has ups and downs. Love, if it is to be a part of a successful marriage, evolves. Sometimes the evolution is painful, as when there is infidelity. It’s then up to the two people in the marriage (whatever the problem is) to decide on whether it is worth the effort to salvage the relationship. If you’re married long enough there are going to be problems, whether the death of a child, significant illness or infidelity.

If you want a disposable marriage why bother?

dr azoth June 27, 2009 · 11:15 am

It seems to require a great deal of psychological effort – withdrawing childish ideals, and doing one’s own ‘work’ – to “preserve the Other’s solitude” (Rilke). Too many seem to make the marraige couple the symbol of wholeness. This is bound to cause fractures (read issues of affairs, divorce, etc). And, let us not forget, Nature “separates and unites'; Unity as an enduring condition -unusual!

Genny June 27, 2009 · 11:18 am

My marriage survived infidelity. It happened 20 years ago, and we’ve been married 30 years. Too young when we married, the pressures of small children, an unstable young woman looking for daddy… You get the picture.

We survived. We thrived. We are really happy together. There are 2 lessons we learned: (1) your partner in marriage cannot fix you—your baggage is not their fault; and (2) have good manners.

FROM TPP — It’s always good to hear a happy ending. And I think your “have good manners” advice is brilliant.

pdianek June 27, 2009 · 11:24 am

#3 has it right: “An enduring, but dysfunctional marriage is no success.”

All it takes to reach a golden anniversary is for two spouses to live that long, with neither making the move to divorce.

We wrongly celebrate the length of marriages rather than their *health*. Certainly no one, even the children of a marriage, knows exactly what goes on behind closed doors, but we can tell an awful lot about a couple by the way they treat each other when they think no one’s watching.

My marriage “survived” infidelity back in the late 80s. We did not divorce. We stayed together for another seven years – but the remembered pain of those years, of trying so hard to build connection with a man who simply did not want me, is horrifying. We spent much time and money on marriage counseling, which was not only ineffective in terms of the counselors’ skills, but also useless: my then-husband sat on the sofa beside me, but he was not there in spirit. He once described ours as “a marriage of convenience”. To him, yes . . . but my heart was in it.

So, survival? Yes. With gaping wounds that eventually said “enough”.

Let’s stop measuring marriages by their length, the number of children, the financial health of the couple, etc. Let’s start gauging marriages by their emotional and spiritual health: Do the spouses sincerely care for each other? Are they truthful with each other? Do they consistently show each other, in both word and deed, respect, admiration, passion, and compassion? Do they have their priorities grounded in active love of the other spouse? Are they similarly loving toward their children?

Such couples are blessings to their families, neighbors, co-workers. We need more of them.

vernon June 27, 2009 · 11:39 am

Does the fact that so many marriages experience acts of infidelity not suggest that monogamy, and perhaps the way we define marriage, is what is at fault? Few mammals, and no primates, are monogamous. And that goes for both males and females. Why are we surprised when the human animal is any different?

Humans living in village or tribal settings have always paired up for reproductive purposes. Most of them were not strictly monogamous. Marriage began as a practical matter to insure heirs and enhance survivability outside of a village or tribal setting. Even then, monogamy was not required nor was it necessarily expected. The rise of monotheistic religious marriage, and it’s associated “morality” aimed at controlling paternity (ie women’s reproduction), is what has caused our expectations and our lives to be out of touch with reality.

Beth June 27, 2009 · 11:41 am

The wives of these men are as much liars in their own way. They make a perfect pair. They deny their partners; they don’t listen or attend to their partners, and then they profess to be devastated when the partners seek intimacy outside the marriage. And the adulteror–man or woman–lies to everyone–I agree totally with David Hughes. The larger issue is that the concept of a long monogamous relationship is simply at odds with biology and succumbs to unworkable religious moralizing concepts that benefit no one. Particularly where there is a high profile/political marriage with money and ego and image, the wives buy into the contract and much of their professed hurt really stems from the publicizing of the adulterous relationship–aka embarrassment. A woman or man who is cheated on needs to look at what was wrong with the relationship that prompted the infidelity. In reality, if one is unhappy, the other one is, I guarantee. Let each partner have the guts to face up to the realities of the situation. The problem is, in most cases, neither of them do.

Shell June 27, 2009 · 11:47 am

I despise Sanford’s hypocrisy but I feel for him as a human being and a father. It seems pretty clear that he genuinely fell in love with someone else, and it seems equally clear that unless he tucks his tail under and acquiesces to whatever punishment his wife deals out, he’s going to lose not only his political career, marriage, and assets, but also his children.

Her recent interview where she said “You would think that a father who didn’t have contact with his children, if he wanted those children, he would toe the line a little bit” made my blood run cold.

Toe her line to see his kids? This is just wrong. The parent-child relationship is the most important one in our lives — yes, more important than marriage — you cannot divorce your child. And you should not be forced to.

Too often children become bartering chips, hostages, or weapons in a bad marriage or a divorce.

Society needs to deflect a little of its outrage from sexual infidelity and put some attention on the damage people do when they use children this way.

Janet June 27, 2009 · 11:48 am

No one can understand the inside of someone else’s marriage, and no one should judge a woman (or a man) either for standing by her or his spouse when the spouse has been unfaithful, or for criticizing or leaving a spouse who has been unfaithful.

For many people, fidelity is more emotional than physical. Betrayal can occur even when there is no sexual activity outside of marriage, and sexual activity outside of marriage does not automatically mean emotional infidelity.

Each couple — and each spouse — must decide what is important in a particular marriage. We are too quick to judge others by our own standards, which may differ from ours.

yvahn June 27, 2009 · 11:53 am

having witnessed the majority of the long-term marriages in my family suffer through infidelity, and even the most committed and idealistic around me suffer through divorce, I am convinced that our societal expectations of relationships are way off the mark. i think our biological instincts as humans are not towards monogamy, and that marriage is more practical and functional when viewed first as a financial partnership for stability and an emotional partnership in which to raise children, rather than a solution against being in the tired singles scene, or a remedy for loneliness.

a person’s sexual needs undoubtedly change just as every other aspect of our lives change with age; rather than denying that fact under the guise of protecting a monogamous relationship or in fear of opening pandora’s box of temptation (which, let’s face it, cannot be avoided unless you live under a rock), married people need to talk about sex and their sexual needs just like they talk about their bills, their children’s schooling, their career goals, etc. too often sex is swept under the rug until it becomes a routine, boring, understimulating, thing you do in the dark without thinking or talking about it, until one or more parties lies and cheats to fulfill their desires and needs. maybe talking about it will renew some true sexual passion in the relationship, which is the only thing that will keep wandering eyes from straying!

todd June 27, 2009 · 11:57 am

Infidelity is not always wrong and can be necessary, good, and the best thing for everybody. Women are just as ‘infidel’ as men, and it’s usually I think (from personal experience) a response to the other partner’s refusal of sex or other physical affection.
In this case with children it’s best for the couple to stay together in peace in a family unit until kids grow up, and ‘cheat’ which is not really cheating at all, but being a healthy individual.
Women (usually but not always) who immediately rush to judgement are hypocrites, do they refuse their partner’s advances? So, what do you expect a partner to do, in this case?
Part of the problem is the complete Myth that women become less attractive as they age; hopefully this myth will die; Women perpetuate it in terribly destructive ways, they reinforce men’s minor fears about it. Older women are great sexual partners so I advise readers to grow up.

Maria June 27, 2009 · 12:09 pm

About the question asked: My marriage survived infidelity (my husband’s infidelity). For me it was a learning process in which I changed the idea I had of marriage and of who my husband was. What helped me stay in marriage was the fact that my husband spontaneously confessed his infidelity and asked for my forgiveness. He also made a commitment to follow rules that I established that permitted me to gain confidence in him again. The anguish that we both lived through this process was like a bleach bath to our relationship, leaving only the core reasons for which we were together. I developed my self confidence and my inner strength, which has helped me in many ways, including in my career. And it was clearly established that there was no possibility that a new infidelity would be tolerated. So, over the 15 or so years after, our relationship has grown and matured. We are a happy couple and expect to grow old together. I consider that if infidelity had not happened, maybe we would have continued to take each other for granted and in the long run it would have been for the worst. Crisis, if correctly managed, is an opportunity to develop ourselves into better persons and couples.

FROM TPP — Wow…there is so much wisdom in this comment I can’t decide which part to excerpt for Comment of the Moment. Thanks to you (and all the readers so far really ) for all the great insights.

Soulful June 27, 2009 · 12:10 pm

Pdianek, you are absolutely, brilliantly right. Have we done research on what happens to kids of marriages that have stayed intact, but are actually dysfunctional? I am divorced but my parents have stayed together for 47 years. It’s still a mystery to me what makes two people genuinely care about each other. Forget the good and bad qualities, the stress of domestic life etc. How at the end of years of rubbing against each other’s edges do two people still LIKE each other. That seems to be a combination of luck, good management, and finally some mysterious, alchemical thing.