Talking FACS
Host: Dr. Jennifer Hunter, Assistant Director for Family and Consumer Sciences Extension, University of Kentucky
Guest: Dr. David Weisenhorn, Extension Specialist for Parenting and Child Development
Special Back to School Edition
Episode 11, Volume 2
0:00 Welcome to Talking FACS; what you need to know about family, food, finance and fitness. Hosted by the University of Kentucky Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Program, our educators share research knowledge with individuals, families and communities to improve quality of life.
0:20 Dr. Hunter: Hello and welcome to Talking FACS. This is your host, Dr. Jennifer Hunter, Assistant Director for Family Consumer Sciences Extension at the University of Kentucky.
Today, I'm pleased to be joined by Dr. David Weisenhorn. David, thank you for being with us today.
0:34 Dr. Weisenhorn: Thank you for having me.
0:35 Dr. Hunter: David, I love today's topic. When you sat down and said, “Here's the title for today's episode.” I got all excited. But I do want to give parents a very quick warning that if you're in the car and your kiddos are listening or if you're cooking dinner and your kiddos are listening or where ever you may be and your kiddos are listening, you might want to pop in the ear buds or click pause and come back to us later.
Not because the topics anything bad, but we certainly don't want to be spoilers. Because today's topic is, “Am I lying by telling my child the tooth fairy is real?”
And I just smiled when you said it and I thought, “This is a question I certainly want to know the answer to.” And I just want to ask the question immediately; am I lying by telling my child the tooth fairy is real?
1:23 Dr. Weisenhorn: No.
0:24 Dr. Hunter: That's what I want to hear.
0:25 Dr. Weisenhorn: You're not. No, you are not. And I hope that brings relief. And that could be the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny; it's not. And I want to tell you a little story of how this all came about.
So, my son lost a tooth (My son is in kindergarten). He lost a tooth. His older sister asked. She actually asked my wife. She said, “Mom, is the tooth fairy real?” And Ellen looked like a deer in headlights. I mean, she had got caught and just kind of looked. And in just wisdom, she said, “Well, what do you think?” And my daughter immediately went into, “Well, I know she is real because my friend Sadie said that she saw her at night. So, we know that she's real.”
And I think what's interesting about that is that happens a lot; right? What happens when our kids ask, “Is Santa real? Does the Easter Bunny really hide eggs?” And those questions can leave parents feeling really uneasy about your ethics.
But there is good news and that is that you are not lying. There is a developmental psychologist by the name of, Dr. Rosemarie Truglio, and she has said that when we actually act as if Santa is real, the tooth fairy is real, we're entering into our child's world and make-belief and imaginary play. And by doing that, we're creating really important bonds with our children in sharing these imaginary magical tales. And so, I encourage parents to do this while our children is young.
The sad part of that is that it's not going to last forever. Research reveals that those who do engage in imaginary play and have imaginary companions have actually higher levels of creativity. They feel better about themselves. They have better relationships with friends.
But again, these don't last forever. So, most of these children try to tend to grow out of this stage around the age of nine. And so, there's important things that we need to remember.
3:26 Dr. Hunter: Well, and I think like, just as you said, that parents do wrestle with this. I know that we've kind of wrestled with it at our house. And as you know, for those that listen fairly often, that we have two kiddos with four years between them. So, we definitely have been able to extend the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, Easter Bunny in our house.
But it was really neat as our as our son got older and kind of when he would naturally kind of grow out of the tooth fairy, etc. It was right when his little sister was just kind of beginning to learn about the Tooth Fairy and Santa and the Easter Bunny.
And it was so neat to watch his development because it was imagination, as you just said, that he got to play with her, too. But again, there's pros and cons of having big gaps between your kiddos. That's one of the pros is that it was neat to kind of watch him go from being part of the imaginary play or the recipient of the imaginary play to being part of the other part of the imaginary play.
4:29 Dr. Weisenhorn: Well, that's the best part of this is that it shouldn't it die at that age of 9; that we could keep that alive. So, as our children grow, I mean, I still… my favorite time of the year's Christmas and I decorate and I, whole heart, believe in Santa. And I am Santa. So, I get that; like there is this need to keep it alive.
There are three tips and that was one of the ones that I wanted to say is that we need to keep it alive, once they've moved past this, we've got to keep that spirit alive because it is important for them to feel that way in just such memory making.
The other thing is listen closely. You know, when I think back about that example I gave, my wife didn't respond. And the way that she did, she was listening for, “Maybe Eve isn't ready for the whole truth.”
5:16 Dr. Hunter: Right.
5:17 Dr. Weisenhorn: Maybe just a little pit. And so, to understand some of the reasons; what's driving that question. You know, you're told never answer a question with the question, but I'm going to say; in this case that's a good thing to do. And ask back, “So, why is that? What is it you want to know?” And they'll begin to show more of their cards and share with you more of the reasoning behind the question, which may allow you to just simply answer short bits and just give just enough to what they need in the moment.
5:44 Dr. Hunter: I am going to say that as our son got a little bit older, we did let the Tooth Fairy go.
5:49 Dr. Weisenhorn: Yeah.
5:49 Dr. Hunter: We're like, “No, don't tell your sister this”, but that whole getting up at night, we did let the tooth fairy go.
5:57 Dr. Weisenhorn: Well, hopefully, you won't lose any more teeth in adulthood either.
6:00 Dr. Hunter: Yeah. He now has all of his adult teeth. So, he's good.
6:03 Dr. Weisenhorn: That's good. That's good. The other thing would be learning the truth can be hard. And so, even when your child is old enough to realize that Santa is not real, it can be a sad realization. And so, be prepared for big emotions. There can be a lot of sadness in there. There could be some anger.
And so, understanding that that's really hard for adults to take heavy information and consider your children than that.
And once they do come to that realization and they have experience those, we want to help them make sure that they're not ruining it for other children.
6:36 Dr. Hunter: And that was going to be the question that I was getting ready to ask you next that, you know, some kids do come to this realization earlier than other children. And then there are also other kiddos that maybe they've not had Santa and the Easter Bunny; just because of their parents share differently or they celebrate differently or whatever it may be. So, how do you kind of mitigate all that cause kiddos talk at school? There's a lot of talk and that goes on in school.
7:02 Dr. Weisenhorn: You know, and I think it's just that. I think possibly, the way that you handled the situation and that's just letting them know that this is important; this is fun.
I think reminding them, when children have a good experience and have that excitement of the Easter Bunny and Santa and the Tooth Fairy coming, that when they have that experience, it's easy for you to say, “Now, you wouldn't want somebody to ruin that for you.” Children can understand that.
So I think playing it that way of like, “This is a special time. This is there's only one time in life where you get to experience this type of enjoyment; to let that be real for them and not be the ones that kind of squash that.”
So, just I think helping them understand the importance of how that feels and asking them not to ruin that for others.
7:47 Dr. Hunter: And I know when our little girl has asked questions of, “Well, maybe so-and-so, Santa doesn't come to their house” or “So-and-so said that the Easter Bunny is not real”, that we've just had a conversation about that everyone celebrates differently and that, “Well, Santa does come to our house” and she just seems to accept that; at least for right now. Well, we'll see if she gets a little bit older and a little bit more inquisitive.
But I also know that with all the holidays and fun and imagination; that both our kiddos really kind of enjoy it and so therefore, I think that they'll continue to enjoy it as they age as well.
8:25 Dr. Weisenhorn: Well, and that's important and I hope that they do because it is a magical time.
8:29 Dr. Hunter: Yes. Thank you so much, David. Like I said at the very beginning, when you sat down and told me today's topic, I thought this is going to be a lot of fun to discuss. So, I appreciate you being here and helping us walk through some of the difficult questions our kids can ask.
8:43 Dr. Weisenhorn: I'm so happy to be here. Thank you for having me.
8:46 Thank you for listening to Talking FACS. We deliver programs focusing on nutrition, health, resource management, family development and civic engagement.
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