Madeline

Elmira, New York, 1977

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 “Excuse me,” I say again, louder.
Finally, White Hair backs up to let me through and I step into
line beside Mom.
Welcome to Grand Union! I’m Joyce! presses the register keys,
totaling up our purchase. Joyce is as fat as I am, but she’s a lot older
and has large, bulgy frog eyes. The stone on her mood ring is black.
“Nine dollars and sixty-two cents,” she reports, staring past Mom
and me.
Mom thumbs through a fistful of food stamps. Usually they’re
something I manage, since I do most of the shopping, but today she
feels like playing grown-up.
Joyce stares at the stamps, like Mom’s produced a handful of
“Register four is now open with no waiting,” a ceiling voice dog shit. “You can’t pay for beer with those,” she snarls.
booms, interrupting the Stevie Wonder tune playing over the “I’m aware of that,” Mom snarls back. She leans into my side,
intercom. whispering, “Do you have four dollars I can borrow?” Her liner’s
The light for the express lane blinks on. Mom hurries toward it, painted thicker on one eye, making the two sides of her face seem
cutting off a white-haired lady in a fuzzy pink warm-up suit. mismatched.
I straggle behind, trying to catch up. By the time I do, Mom’s “You already owe me twelve,” I remind her.
unloaded the contents of our basket onto the conveyor belt: a box White Hair cranes her neck to watch us. And even though
of Ritz crackers, a jar of store-brand peanut butter, a six-pack of I’m embarrassed, I’m pissed too. I turn to glare at her hemorrhoid
Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, and two cans of Coca-Cola. White Hair cream. Her face reddens and she looks away.
is parked behind Mom, emptying her carriage, clearly breaking the “Pleeeaaassse?” Mom begs, pouting.
Limit 12 Items rule. I count ten cans of cat food, two packages of I hate it when she uses her whiny-little-girl voice. Huffing, I dig
one-hundred-watt lightbulbs, a carton of Virginia Slims cigarettes, in my pocket.
and a tube of generic hemorrhoid cream. Every month, after Mom signs her welfare check, I take it to
“Excuse me,” I mumble, attempting to squeeze past her cart. the bank and cash it. After I pay the rent and utilities, I divide what
But squeezing isn’t a viable option when you weigh over two hun- remains between us. Mom’s half covers her cigarettes and beer for
dred pounds. My butt catches on a candy rack, dragging a shelf of the month. Or it’s supposed to. With my half, I buy stuff like toilet
Necco Wafers to the ground. I bend to pick them up, then straighten paper and laundry detergent and soap—things food stamps don’t
and smack my head on a newspaper display. President Carter’s face cover. Whatever’s left I hide in a red shoebox in the back of my
glares at me, unforgiving. closet. I’ve saved close to three hundred dollars that way. After I

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 graduate, I plan to go to the community college and study to become crete angel that’s a good foot taller than I am. Her wings are spread
a nurse. With the practice I’ve had taking care of Mom, I think I’d open, her back is arched, and the folds in her gown churn around
be good at that job. Plus, I’d get paid for it. Needless to say, Mom her. She reminds me of the winged victory goddess I saw slides of
doesn’t know about my shoebox. She’d be into it the minute she ran in art history class, except this statue has a head. The inscription
out of beer money. carved on her base says:
I count out four ones for Mom, smoothing them flat on the
counter. Sophie DeSalvo
Joyce rolls her big, bulgy frog eyes. “You still need nineteen Beloved Daughter
cents.” March 1, 1959 –September 15, 1961
I reach back into my pocket and pull out a dime and two nickels.
Except I don’t hand the coins to Joyce, I drop them on the conveyor We were born the same year, except Sophie had only two birth-
belt, grinning as I watch her fat fingers struggle to collect them. days, which is completely unfair. Death should be reserved for old
Mom cradles her Grand Union bag carefully—like it’s a baby people like White Hair. I picture her slumped across the conveyer
she’s carrying—and starts for the Exit door. belt at Grand Union, grabbing her heart with one hand, clutching a
Not bothering to wait for my penny, I follow her. Fast. tube of generic hemorrhoid cream with the other.
Or as fast as a fat girl can travel. Next to Sophie’s angel, a fountain gurgles. A breeze blows and
I feel the spray on my face. Even after I blink several times, the
*** droplets still cling to my lashes.
Before getting out of the car, Mom cranks up the radio and rolls
The hills along Route 17 are dabbed with early fall colors. It’s over down a window. Neil Diamond’s gravelly voice leaps out, punctur-
forty-five minutes to Cherry Hill Cemetery. Mom insists on driv- ing the dusky silence. Even though he’s singing one of my favorite
ing, and I feel carsick. Then I get a headache. I reach into my pocket- songs—the one about the misunderstood gull from the movie Jona-
book for two aspirin and swallow them down with my Coke. than Livingston Seagull—it doesn’t stop me from thinking that it’s dis-
By the time we reach the cemetery, the sun is low in the sky. The respectful to play pop tunes where people are buried. But mentioning
graveyards closer to home lock their gates at dusk, but not Cherry this to my mother wouldn’t do any good. This is part of her ritual.
Hill. It’s there for Mom anytime, day or night, making it her ceme- Mom joins me, unfolding the wooly blanket she keeps in the
tery of choice for what we’re about to do. backseat. It’s left over from an old boyfriend, Jake. He had a dog,
Mom passes the visitor’s center, weaves through the narrow and the blanket still smells just like him. The dog, that is, not Jake.
lanes, and parks her Charger in our usual spot. She opens the blanket across the low flat stone she calls Our Rock.
As I walk to the trunk for our grocery bag, leaves crunch under As if that cold gray mass is meaningful because we’ve claimed it.
my feet. I carry the bag to where we always sit—beside a white con- As if we’ve made some mark on the world by sitting here time after

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 time—that in a hundred years, after we’re both dead and gone, “I thought he was going to be the one,” she continues. “He was
someone will put a plaque on the stone that reads: Leona and Mad- so thoughtful.”
eline Fitch Once Sat Here. She’s right. Kyle was thoughtful. He gave me a brown bobble-
The sky turns a deep, shimmery pink, so bright it doesn’t look head dog the first time Mom brought him home to meet me. And
real. he earned bonus points for the fact that—in the six weeks he dated
Mom pops the top on a can of beer. She tips her head back, Mom—I never once caught him staring at my rolls of fat or my mas-
swallowing again and again, like she hasn’t had liquid in a week. I sive chest. But eventually Kyle bailed out, just like all the others.
open the peanut butter and dip crackers in the brown goo, savoring There’s a long silence between us.
the thick, salty crunch. Mom pokes me with her bony elbow. “You gotta boyfriend yet?”
By the time Mom’s finished her fifth beer, and I’ve polished off “Dozens.” I roll my eyes. “Boys know fat’s where it’s at.”
the crackers, the last band of color has disappeared behind the black Mom extends a finger, playfully tapping my chin—actually two
hills. I glance at the moon, which hovers over Sophie’s angel, bath- chins—and I get a lump in my throat. She almost never touches
ing the concrete in cool, silvery light. me. Not that I blame her. People don’t like to touch fat. “Maybe if
I lick my finger, dab Ritz crumbs off the shelf my boobs make, you dressed a lil’ diff’rent. . . .” she slurs. “Maybe if you showed a lil’
then eat those tiny flakes too. I’m still hungry. I have a bottom- flesh, you’d get some action.”
less chasm in my middle. The Beast, I call it. Sometimes it’s “Right,” I snap. “Welcome to Sea World. Step right up and pet
insatiable—I could peel Grand Union open like a can of SPAM a real live whale. Can’t get much sexier than that.”
and empty all the aisles down my throat, and even then the Beast Mom gets quiet again.
would cry, “More!” I glance over, seeing if she’s still upright.
Mom starts on beer number six. It’s the one I call the Talking “We’re quita pair,” she says, forcing a smile. “I drinka lil’ too
Beer. Soon she’ll fill the night with more words than you’d ever much and you eata lil’ too much.” She lifts her Talking Beer toward
guess she owned. a patch of stars. “Here’s to whatever makes you happy.”
I lean my head back, glancing up at the stars. I find one that Her head drops, landing on the giant hill my shoulder makes.
blinks on and off and I study it, praying it’s telling me something. Softly, she starts to cry.
My mother burps, and I can smell the beer stench on her breath. Happy is the last thing I’d call us.
Without excusing herself, she announces, “I won’t be seeing Kyle
anymore.”
Of course, I already know this. That’s why we’re here at the
cemetery, after all. To mourn another lost boyfriend. To add another
name to the Men Who Ditched Leona Fitch list.

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 Desiree as i try to sleep
Johnson City, New York, 1993 a mouse squeals.
i picture him struggling
to unglue his tiny body
from the damn sticky paper
mam (my asshole mother)
uses to trap rodents
in our apartment.
i imagine how that
poor, dumb creature
must feel—
lying there,
unable to
move,
slowly
dying.

***

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 i wonder where two weeks before summer vacation,
i’ll be in three years he asks mam and me out to dinner.
when i turn eighteen— i’m sick of studying for finals,
if i’ll have some stupid job at kmart glad to have something else to do.
like mam,
or if me and jeremy in larry’s brown nissan
will move in together and he chomps a toothpick
rent matching duplex apartments while mam rants
with carol ann and eric. about her swollen feet.
us girls will learn to cook i’m in the back with my walkman,
while jeremy and eric watch football. guns n’ roses ripping through my brain
and when we decide to have kids, as i doodle jeremy’s name on my jeans.
i’ll be the best mom on the planet.
i’ll read my little girl stories at ponderosa
and french braid her hair we act like a family—
and make her cocoa when it snows. nice but scary too,
she’ll never hear what i heard: especially if you’re not used to it.
i’m too tired.
i’ve got a headache. after dessert
it’s time for my soaps. we window-shop at the mall.
no e’s for effort there. a sappy michael bolton song
screw that. oozes through the turd-colored walls,
and mam reaches for larry’s hand,
*** telling him she loves that song.

larry is the only guy i roll my eyes and gag,

mam’s dated since i was born. but i’m stopped in my tracks
at first i thought by a black halter top
he must be desperate on a headless mannequin
or in a passing mood for some pork, i absolutely have to buy.
but he’s stuck around for over a year. except all i have is twenty bucks and
the shirt costs twenty-six.

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 i beg mam to float me the extra. i open my window,
instead she goes ballistic. lean my head out, inhaling.
you’re not going anywhere in that, on the return trip, no one speaks,
looking like a two-bit hooker! but there could be worse things in life
than icy silence on a freaking hot night.
i think i’ll combust,
my face is so hot. ***
i bolt toward the nearest exit,
expecting mam to call, come back! at home
but she doesn’t. i change into a tank top and shorts.
i have to walk past mam and larry
i pause at a candy kiosk, to stick my melted almond joy
turn to see if she’s watching. bar in the fridge.
larry waves.
mam just stands there. they’re parked on the sofa
i grab an almond joy, between two pedestal fans,
shove it in my pocket, drinking beer and channel surfing,
and hurry straight for the door. reminding me of a pair of trained monkeys.
mam stops at murphy brown.
*** go put some clothes on, dez.

home’s five miles away i roll my eyes.

and i’m too chicken to hitchhike, give me a break.
so i lean against larry’s car, this is how people dress.
waiting for the happy couple to return. normal people, i want to add.
mam wears long sleeves year-round.
a half hour later
we’re packed inside the nissan again. from the kitchen
the a/c doesn’t work. i hear mam tell larry,
the hot vinyl burns my legs. she dresses like a whore.
mam’s sweat smells like fried fish. fuck you, i say, so quiet

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 i think she won’t hear me. when he sees me,
except she does. he sits up quickly,
mam charges. his shadow
her palm cracks against my cheek slicing the quiet,
so hard i bite my tongue and taste blood. knifelike, precise.
she’s about to take another swing
when larry grabs her from behind. his cool blue eyes singe
go, dez, he hollers, get out of here! the gray space between us.
so i do. i get the hell out. he pats the sofa
like his hand is saying,
*** come here, but i don’t.
i drop down across from him,
jeremy’s parents are at a movie. in the chair mam sits in to watch
we hang out at his place, all my children and general hospital,
smoke a joint, tv pals she prefers to me.
watch a few episodes
of the simpsons, sinking into the crater in the cushion,
make out. i peel back the wrapper on the almond joy.
because there are two matching halves,
i get home around midnight, i decide i should offer one to larry.
shaking from the damp night air. i hold the candy bar out to him.
mam’s bedroom door is open. larry swallows his half whole.
she’s asleep, he doesn’t even chew the nut.
alone, is she still pissed? i ask.
a gross glob of snoring flesh.
larry stands. she’ll get over it.
my stomach rumbles. he walks toward mam’s room,
i head to the fridge for my almond joy. pauses by the hallway night-light,
returning through the living room, shakes his head back and forth.
i notice him—larry— then he closes her door.
spread out across our sofa. slowly. quietly.

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 when larry returns,
i notice his shirt
is unbuttoned.
his chest hairs poke out
like one of those wiry doormats
you wipe your boots on in winter.
he catches me looking,
and my face heats up.
i stand to leave,
but larry says,
hey, not so fast.
Ariel
he reaches beneath the sofa, Poughkeepsie, New York, 2009
removing a wrinkled bag.
i know your birthday was two weeks ago,
but here—he hands it out to me—
i got you a belated gift.

i peer inside suspiciously,

in case it’s a trick,
but it isn’t.
holding up the halter top
mam went nuclear over,
i ignore what larry says next.
i can’t wait to see it on you, dez.

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 When the jury found him guilty and the judge sentenced him
to twenty years in prison—reduced because he was a minor—Mom
claims he never made a single excuse. To this day, Dad says he did
what he had to after he learned the Truth. Whoever said “the truth
shall set you free” didn’t have him in mind. For Dad, it did just the
opposite.
I don’t blame him. I miss him, that’s all. Sometimes I haul
out his old CDs and play them on the antique boom box stored
in the basement with his stuff. Or I open up the foot locker
that holds his clothes, hugging a sweatshirt, inhaling his smell,
imagining how his voice might’ve sounded when he read me a
bedtime story, picturing what our first snowman might’ve looked
Waiting for my old Dell to boot up, I finger-dust the shell set like. I dream about the day he’ll live with us again, but Mom tells
Dad gave me three years ago on my twelfth birthday. The shells are me not to get my hopes up. That even if Dad does get paroled
organized in a clear shadow box with tiny labels identifying each early, it’ll take time to see if, quote, their relationship is still intact,
one. My favorite is the miniature conch—bumpy and white on the unquote.
outside, smooth and pink on the inside. Mom has one just like it, We visit Dad four times a year—near all our birthdays and
except she found hers herself, on a beach near where we used to live. again before Christmas—and he and I talk on the phone. I’d love to
On the card that came with the gift Dad wrote, Maybe these will help see him more often, but the drive is rough, over three hundred miles
you remember Florida, Peaches. Apparently, peach was my favorite each way, so four trips is all Mom can manage.
baby-food flavor. I can’t remember, just like I can’t recall living in I sign in to check my e-mail, glad there’s a message from Olivia.
Florida, but I never remind Dad of that.
My monitor blinks on and I smile at the desktop photo of Dad Hey Ariel,
and me, taken the morning we left the Sunshine State. My enor- Dad and Steve are having a dinner party Friday night at 7.
mous diapered butt is balanced on his wide, lean shoulders, and They’re making baked lobster, your favorite! Can you come?
there’s something pink spilled down the front of my onesie. Dad is XO, Liv
bare-chested and sunburned. He’s wearing denim cutoffs, and his
long sandy hair is held back by a red bandanna, which I’m clutching Of course, I’ll have to disappoint her. Friday is date night with
with my small, dimpled hands. Shane.
Looking at that sweet little-boy face, I’d never peg Dad as a I hear Mom’s car pull into the garage. Minutes later, the kitchen
murderer. But he is. door opens abruptly, smacking the wall behind it.

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 “Shit!” she says, followed quickly by “Sorry! I owe a dollar!” I stand, heading to the fridge for more soy sauce. The chintzy
Mom claims that when she was my age, every other word out of packets you get with your take-out are never enough. When I open
her mouth was a swear, so she uses a Potty Mouth Jar to keep from the door, a Hillary for President magnet drops to the ground. I keep
having a relapse. bugging Mom to pack up her campaign gear, but she refuses. Maybe
“Hi, Mom,” I call, starting for the kitchen. she’s waiting to see if Hillary will try again in 2012.
Her book bag is crammed with folders and legal pads. Mom I restick the magnet, grab the soy sauce, and hurry back to
works for Aunt Lee as a research assistant, and whenever Aunt Lee’s my seat. A shrimp is gripped between my chopsticks, about to be
near a book deadline, Mom carts home tons of work. devoured, when the phone rings.
I rescue the brown paper sack tucked beneath her arm. One Mom groans. “I’ll bet it’s a telemarketer.”
whiff tells me it’s filled with Chinese takeout. I peek inside the I’d like to remind her that if we had a phone with caller ID,
first of four containers. Shrimp with cashews and snow peas, my we’d know who it is. But Mom doesn’t believe in replacing things
favorite. Immediately, my mouth waters. before they break or die a natural death. So we’ve been stuck with
Mom wriggles out of her coat, kicks off her shoes, and hurries the same antique cordless for, like, ten years. Thank God for gifts
down the hall. “Gotta go! Gotta go!” she calls, imitating the overac- from Aunt Lee. If it weren’t for her, we probably wouldn’t even own
tive bladder commercial. The bathroom door whips closed. a microwave.
I set out place mats and plates, toss out the napkins that came “I’ll get it.” I hurry for the phone before it stops ringing, but
with the meal, and reach for two linen ones instead. Mom grew up it isn’t on the charger where it should be. I sprint from room to
poor, so she insists on the real McCoy. room, hoping it’s Olivia calling. In middle school we nicknamed
Mom reappears, sipping what’s left of her morning tea, then our predinner conversations the Nightly Food Report. I’d tell Liv
collapses in a chair. what Mom was making for supper and she’d tell me what her dad’s
“Long day?” I ask. partner, Steve, was cooking. Then we’d score their choices like we
She glances at her overstuffed book bag. “You know it. Aunt were judging the Olympics: Mom—chicken tetrazzini: 8.2; Steve—
Lee’s editor wants to see part three by the end of next week.” salmon patties with lemon-dill sauce and parmesan-herb risotto: 9.6.
Sitting across from Mom, I unfold my napkin on my lap. I’d die We never reported vegetables; they were irrelevant. In high school,
if I got anything on my new low-rise jeans. They’re Shane’s favorite the food report fizzled because we both agreed it was juvenile. But
pair. He says I look sexy in them. Me. Sexy. God. I hand Mom the we still talk every night. Well, we did until two months ago when I
brown rice and keep the white for myself. “Does Aunt Lee think started dating Shane.
she’ll meet her deadline?” I finally locate the phone under a futon pillow and press Talk.
Mom smiles. “Remember who we’re talking about.” “Hello?”
“Right,” I say, filling my plate. “I forget, Aunt Lee invented A man announces he’s Doctor somebody and asks to speak to
Type A behavior.” Mom. I return to the kitchen and hand her the phone.

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 “Yes?” Mom listens intently. The color drains from her cheeks. “She had a double mastectomy today. She was in surgery for
She coughs. Excuses herself. Takes another sip of tea. “Are you eight hours.”
sure?” she asks. I look down at my own breasts, which aren’t big enough to draw
“Mom,” I whisper. “Did something happen to Dad?” attention, but they’re there. Where they should be. Both of them.
She shakes her head no. “Is she going to die?” I ask.
“Aunt Lee?” “I don’t know,” Mom answers.
Another no. My mouth is so dry, my lips stick together. I walk to the fridge
“Who then?” for a bottle of water, press it against my hot cheeks, then take several
Mom’s chair scrapes the floor as she stands. She crosses the long swallows.
room and reaches in the junk drawer for a pen. I follow and look I’ve never even met my mother’s mother. And I probably
over her shoulder. On a pad she writes: Chemung County General, wouldn’t like her if I did. But, still, I feel this ache, this loss. And I
River Road, Elmira. Which is no help to me. have no idea why.
“Thank you for calling,” she says flatly, hanging up. She holds Mom walks to the window over the sink. Her mascara’s run-
the phone against her chest like she’s cradling a small, hurt bird. ning and she looks like the guys on Dad’s old KISS CD. She twirls
Mom says there are pivotal moments in life that divide our exis- the wand on the blinds, shutting out the fading sunset. Then she
tence into distinct compartments. Like when she had me at sixteen, starts down the hall toward her room. Once inside, she closes her
life became Before Ariel and After Ariel. She could never go back door, and the sound of it echoes in the hall. A closed door means
to being who she had been. As I take the phone from her, return- I need time/space to think, a message we both respect. Except it’s
ing it to its base, I have an eerie feeling this might be one of those usually me who sends it. Mom hasn’t closed her door since the judge
moments. denied Dad’s parole request two years ago.
When I glance at her again, she’s crying. “Mom,” I say, “what’s When I taste my food again, it’s cold. I stick my plate in the
wrong?” microwave and push the reheat button. I wait near the window,
She grabs a tissue and dabs her eyes. “It’s my mother.” reverse-twirling the wand on the blinds. Bands of magenta ooze
Mom never talks about her mother. Not that I mind. As far as like spilled paint across the darkening sky. Second by second, they
I’m concerned she’s just a mean old woman who kicked Mom out of shift, growing thinner, sparser.
the house when she was fifteen and pregnant. “What about her?” I The microwave beeps, but I don’t move. Not until the last band
ask. It comes out sounding cold, but I don’t care. has vanished.
“She asked the hospital staff to try and locate me. They Googled
me so her doctor could call and tell me . . .” Mom hesitates. “She has
stage-three breast cancer.”
“Breast cancer,” I repeat matter-of-factly.

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