The unfortunate yet necessary business of getting punched in the mouth
You learn a lot about yourself during your first fist fight. Especially when you know for a fact that the other guy is going to mop the deck with your face just because he can.
And that’s just the thing: It’s one thing to get into a fight you’re pretty sure you’ll win. It’s another completely to get into a fight even though you’re pretty sure you’ll lose, and still find the courage to stand your ground and see things through.
Close your eyes and hold that thought. We’ll come back to this in a sec.
Okay, so I know… this may seem like an odd topic for a blog that deals mostly with brand management, social media, business strategy, etc., but as I found with my “21 things” blog last week, there is a deeply human side to making inspired business decisions that we need to start focusing on a little more (not just here – in general). Why? Because business decisions don’t happen in a vacuum. People make these decisions. Human beings, with good days and bad days, filled with courage and plagued by cowardice, swelling with passion and weighed down by apathy. People as imperfect and flawed and riddled with self-doubt as you and I. Yes, the Steve Jobs, Jack Welches, Henry Fords, Walt Disneys, Bill Gates, Richard Bransons and Julius Caesars of the world are just as human as the rest of us, with their own problems, their own doubts, their own insecurities and their own challenges to overcome. But one of the things that separates them from the majority of people is their willingness to step forward even when the odds are squarely against them, and risk taking a very public and humiliating beating if things don’t turn out as they had hoped. But even they can come to a professional impasse if their “education” along the way skipped the essential rite of passage known as the boyhood brawl.
The first thing you probably need to get from this post is this: Because decisions cannot be divorced from the people who make them, who we are as human beings impacts those decisions at least as much as what we do professionally: A CEO is a role, not a personality trait. A general is a rank, not an emotional profile. A manager is a job description, not an indication of natural leadership. In other words, don’t let the cover story fool you: a title printed on a business card doesn’t reflect an individual’s ability to lead, inspire and show cunning any more than the size of their bank account or the make of their car.
What does a title really tell you about someone? If you live within a regimented corporate or military culture, it tells you something about where they stand in the pecking order and what power they yield over you and others, but that’s really about it. In matters of leadership, courage, integrity and mental fortitude, a job title doesn’t really tell you a whole lot about someone’s mettle. More to the point, a job title doesn’t tell someone a whole lot about themselves and what they are capable of when the chips are down.
The importance of dangerous tests and contests
Back in not-so-ancient times, boys were routinely tested as they grew up: Going into the woods alone for the first time. Climbing the tallest tree. Swimming across the river. Diving to the cold dark bottom. Catching your first fish. Killing your first fowl. Standing your ground against the older village or neighborhood kids. Tribal rights of passage. By the time a man reached adulthood, he knew exactly who he was. He knew his own strengths and weaknesses.
And the rest of the community did as well.
Via regular social tests and challenges, stars rose, stayed stagnant, or fell from grace. There was no hiding from it. The pecking order in human communities was always in flux, with the smartest and strongest leading, and others following, hoping for their chance to prove themselves someday and improve their position.
Only now, it seems that such personal tests, the ones that cemented not only reputations but confidence, self respect, courage and wisdom have fallen mostly by the wayside. Just for the record, graduating from kindergarten is not a rite of passage. Landing a 20% off coupon isn’t either. Neither is unlocking a fifth level prestige badge in COD Modern Warfare 2 on X-Box Live.
Here’s an observation. It isn’t a judgment. Just an observation: None of the people I have ever worked with or worked for while I was in the corporate world had ever been in a real fight. None had ever fought back when the bully shoved them in a locker or stole their lunch money. None had ever stepped in to help someone being mugged. None had ever finished a fight that some drunk jerk forced on them or one of their peers. And… coming from France – a country where little boys haven’t yet been taught that getting into the occasional fisticuff is a sign of deplorable behavior – I found this both surprising and unfortunate. Not because I find fights to be particularly edifying (I don’t enjoy them a whole lot, especially since I am not Chuck Norris), but because fighting – which mostly amounts to dealing with fear, confrontation, pain and the social pressures not to quit or lose – has been part of young mens’ “education” for tens of thousands of years. Like it or not, fighting each other is baked into our DNA. Men need these types of experiences in order to move from childhood to adulthood. Sport can be a decent substitute for some time, martial arts as well, but ultimately, nothing can truly take the place of actual combat. By creating an entire generation of men who have never experienced the fight or flight gauntlet of a knuckle duel, I am not certain that we are properly preparing young men for the types of mental and emotional challenges required of them in high stakes leadership positions.
Asserting yourself in a business meeting, negotiating a settlement, managing a takeover, speaking to investors, presenting to a crowd of bloggers and journalists, convincing banks to back your next venture, these things don’t go well unless you have a certain level of quiet confidence about you, the kind of confidence that frees your mind to get the job done rather than worry about whether or not you’re up for it.
Reassuring the American people that the country is safe, customers that it is still safe to bank with you, drivers that your cars won’t accelerate out of control and explode, investors and employees that your company is still a sound bet, and the public that you have the oil spill under control can’t be left to folks who haven’t tested themselves to find out what they are really made of.
Remember Michael “Brownie” Brown, the guy in charge of FEMA during the Katrina crisis? His impeccably pressed, perfectly white dress shirts? Not a hair out of place while the people of New Orleans drowned and starved to death? Nice guy, I’m sure. Smart too. Probably great with the whole IAHA Arabian horse thing, and corporate luncheons and country-club brunches, before being appointed to lead the Federal Emergency Management Agency. Except… Wrong guy for the job. Why? Hmmm. You tell me.
Now put a military officer – especially an Iraq or Afghanistan combat veteran – in his place to do the same job and see what happens. My bet: Night and day. The difference between both men? One made a point to put himself through the gauntlet time and time again. The other, not so much.
Rites of passage matter. They matter a lot.
Fight Club is only a novel. This is real.
If I am starting to sound like Fight Club’s Tyler Durden, so be it. There is a reason why Chuck Palahniuk’s novel struck a chord when it came out. As much as the novel itself may be an unapologetic exaggeration of the death of masculinity in modern times, its message is dead on target. And the impact that a generation of untested men in leadership positions has already had on the corporate world may be in great part responsible for some of the trouble we are in: Enron. Wall Street. The massive oil spill in the Gulf: All arrived at by decisions made by not by incompetent men, but rather untested, socially and emotionally incomplete men.
Think this is a stretch? Possibly. But consider that mid-life crises tend to happen to men riddled with complexes and self-doubt. Far more than an overcompensation or an indulgence brought about by professional success. Any decent Jungian psychotherapist can explain the link between mid-life crises and a common mother complex in men: Adult in form but not in heart. Boys whose bodies grew up but whose souls didn’t. The erosion of significant, terrifying, often violent rites of passage from childhood to adulthood, particularly when it comes to my gender, is a problem that doesn’t only impact divorce rates and Porsche sales in the US, but also the business world and the economy as a whole: A man who isn’t whole cannot effectively lead. He is a Fisher King, an impotent, lame-duck regent whose wound infects his entire kingdom and drags it down with him. When captains of industry are drawn drawn from among the ranks of untested men rather than those who can and should lead, the system breaks down: Exploration, experimentation and progress come to a grinding halt. Strategic planning takes a hit. Appearances begin to overtake substance. Nepotism prevails. Good old boys networks take root. Mediocrity, hypocrisy and corruption begin to poison corporate and political cultures. The safety of artificial comforts replaces strife. Warm cocoons of denial begin to form and thicken.
There is something missing in a man who hasn’t pushed himself far beyond what he thought were his own limits. Something we look for in leaders. Something without which our faith in a man cannot ever be truly realized. We all felt it in the school yard. On the playing field. In boot camp. And yes, in the board room. A phony is a phony. The real deal, however, walks wrapped in the knowledge of who he is as a man, because at least once in his life, he walked deep into the dark recesses of his cave and found what really lurked there.
Growing up in France in the 70’s and 80’s – and having been raised in a family of combat veterans and citizen soldiers – making it to adolescence without a few black eyes and busted knuckles wasn’t an option. Not that I was pushed to go looking for fights, but let’s say that certain circumstances were occasionally brought up around the dinner table as acceptable reasons to find out what I was made of. For many little French boys, playing cowboys, cops and musketeers wasn’t just play. It was preparation for an inevitable school yard confrontation that would determine much about the types of men they would later become.
A quick word about the French and silly stereotypes
Not that the French fight a lot or win a lot of wars, or anything. Aside from the Foreign Legion (mostly composed of foreigners at that) and a few key Police and military units, French culture isn’t exactly known for its warrior spirit. The Gauls were pretty solid warriors, but the Roman legions dealt with them in the end. Twice in the last century the Germans cut through our borders like a warm knife through butter. So yeah, sure, we invaded England back in the day, we’ve had bloody revolutions, and Napoleon helped us unlock our very own bloody conquests badge on Foursquare, but in general, the French are relatively well-behaved anti-violent people. Even our soccer fans are pretty tame compared to England’s. We also aren’t particularly fond of violence in sports and entertainment (Americans, in contrast, like their sports and movie heroes to be full-contact – while tennis doesn’t exactly require helmet and shoulder pads). We don’t really like guns. The French, as people of the world go, are not high up on the socially violent list.
Yet, in sharp contrast with many of my American peers who grew up on violent entertainment and a glorification of rogue warrior tales, my childhood and early adult years were not without incident. Starting with a few kids at my school trying to work the pecking order to their advantage to street thugs in downtown Brussels looking to score my wallet, from angry boyfriends looking to save face to drunk French soldiers aiming to prove themselves by knocking out a few sailors, I’ve had to deal with unfortunate contests of the knuckle-to-face variety a number of times. Before I go on with my tales of clumsy hand-to-hand combat, let me make it clear that I didn’t always prevail. I am not Jean Claude Van Damme. Quite the contrary. My roundhouse kick is weak. My karate chop is clumsy. My punch often misses the mark. So by default, the lessons in this post have nothing to do with winning or beating the odds. We’re talking about something else altogether today.
Which brings us back to that mouthful of blood thing. You learn a lot about yourself, shaking off the pain of a punch to the mouth. It’s a simple fight or flight reflex: Stunned and dazed, your blurry surroundings spinning around you, searing pain flashing across your face and a dull ache spreading deep into your skull, you are at once confronted with two conflicting emotions: The first – back off and hope the punishment is over. The second – get back on your feet and feed the other guy a Royal McKnuckle-with-Cheese sandwich out of principle, even if it earns you another trip to the cold, hard deck.
Fight or flight: DNA, tens of thousands of years of evolution, and the importance of not running away
Fight or flight. It’s a simple choice. And, as my friend Ben Schowe would say, “it’s just science.”
In terms of personal tests, this goes well beyond the simple (yet grueling) act of surviving boot camp, completing your first 5K, passing the bar, or completing an Ironman triathlon. In fact, in a very real way, getting into a fist fight teaches you as much – if not more – about yourself as summiting Everest or swimming across the English Channel.
Why? Because there is a huge difference between walking to the sidelines and running from a fight. You can quit Ranger school. You can quit an Ironman. On a mountain top, you can stop and turn back to base camp. But walking away from a fight once the first punch has connected, that’s a very different thing. It’s fight or flight in its purest form. It’s the difference between a dog baring its teeth and having another go at some melee carnage… or lying on its back with its tail coiled up between its legs.
In war, you can hold your ground and engage the enemy or you can throw down your guns and run away. Same thing. Except for most people nowadays, at least in the Western world, war is something other people get paid to deal with. It’s something that happens overseas and on TV. There’s no draft anymore. Violence is being erased from “civilized” civilian society. It has become entertainment. A stylized fantasy. You get to see the moves and hear the sounds, but you don’t get to feel the pain. And yet the pain has something to teach.
Like I said, you learn a lot about yourself during your first fight. And your second. And your third. What you learn is – what you learn first, anyway, is – whether or not you have any real fight in you. When that first punch in the face hits you and your eyes flash just as what feels like a brick flying at 500 miles per hour turns the entire front of your skull into a flaring, throbbing strobe of pain, you get your first glimpse of who you are. Before you even land on your ass, your brain is already trying to decide if you will simply lie down and hope the fight is over, or spring up and hit the guy back twice as hard and see how he likes it.
What my first fight taught me
I remember my first fight vividly: Second grade. Parc Monceau. The biggest kid in my class decided he was going to use the smallest kid in the class (me) to cement his Alpha status for the school year. Words were exchanged, shoves ensued, and next thing I know, we were rolling around in the dirt, scraping our knees and elbows, trying land a solid hit on the other. Planting a solid punch at that age would have surely ended the fight – to the delighted cheers of our classmates – and would have secured immediate popularity for whomever emerged victorious. As it turns out, neither one of us did. But the other kid, desperate to break free from the scuffle, accidentally head-butted me in the face, knocking me clear off him. I remember hearing the ugly thud sound of his skull bouncing off my cheek, my head snapping back, and my little French behind landing squarely on the hard-packed dirt. The other kids immediately fell silent and stared at us to see what would come next. I tasted blood in my mouth, from where I had bitten my tongue. I was surprised by the taste… And by the fact that I was more excited than scared.
Up until that moment, I had imagined that being on the receiving end of a head-butt would be the worst thing in the world. Yet there I was, realizing that the other guy wasn’t as strong, as mean, as dangerous or as invincible as I thought he was. And, equally important, realizing that perhaps I had more of a fight in me than I originally thought. Fighting back tears of pain and fear, I got back up, swallowed a mouthful of blood, and threw myself at him. Though he was a lot taller and bigger than me, I tackled him and knocked him to the ground. The rolling around and wild kicking and punching resumed, but before either one of us could land a solid punch, the fight was broken up by our teacher. We were both sent to the principal’s office – the dragon-like Mme Gomez – and sat there for about fifteen minutes before she finally called us in.
Those fifteen minutes were invaluable: The entire time, not once did the other kid dare return my stare. After a quick inspection of my knuckles and clothes, and after having pondered what punishments would follow both at school and at home, I looked over at him and caught him quickly blinking away. Feeling that I was still staring at him, he didn’t look up again. It was at that moment, not before, that I realized I had won the fight. Not because I had beaten him, mind you – I hadn’t. What I realized was that, for me, the real fight wasn’t against him. It was against myself: Fight vs. Flight. Flight lost. I wanted more. Test passed.
From then on, I knew I would never again be too afraid to stand my ground. That moment of clarity is something I have taken with me into every difficult, stressful situation since.
Going through something like this, as simple as it may seem, is a defining moment in a man’s life, and one that far too many boys today never get to experience, to their own detriment, and that of society as a whole when they eventually join the workforce.
To this day, I don’t remember a thing about what the principal had to say or what my punishment was. I grinned from ear to ear the rest of the day, beaming with pride and excitement at the realization that there was more to me than just pretend courage. Later, what I remember from being walked to my mother’s car by my angry teacher wasn’t the fear of punishment or the embarrassment of the public escort, but the looks of awe I saw in the other kids’ eyes. Still grinning at my scowling mother after my teacher explained what had happened, I hopped into her Autobianchi and told her my side of the story: He started. It wasn’t my fault. I was only defending myself. He got what he deserved. I took a skull to the face and it still hurt a lot, but it was okay. She lectured me all the way home, but I know that behind the stern threats of being sent to Jesuit boarding school if I couldn’t behave, was a quiet pride that I hadn’t punked out. Later that afternoon, my father inspected my swollen black eye, obviously amused by the entire incident, and probed me for details until my mother reminded him that the brawl wasn’t something to be proud of. Yet it was, and all three of us knew it.
The kid never bothered me or any of my classmates again. I don’t even remember his name anymore. It doesn’t matter.
Contests of this type happened again over the years, each one teaching me a little bit more about myself, until I graduated to the more subtle and underhanded type of political combat favored by many corporate types.
Leadership from the outside-in: Understanding the mechanics of the pecking order
Here’s the thing, and be sure not to underestimate the potency of the metaphor: We are all either lions or lambs. Men walk into a conference room, a basketball court, a bar, a gym, the first thing they do is size each other up. Hierarchies are established before anyone takes the initiative to speak. Body language, stress hormones, eye contact and behavior help determine the social order in a matter of minutes if not seconds. Before the lions begin to fight for the top spot, the lambs aremarked and set aside. Few of us ever talk about it, and for many men, the process is completely subconscious, but it happens everywhere men go. This has probably been going on since long before we lived in caves.
Care to see a fine example of the process? Watch the first twenty minutes of Ronin, John Frankenheimer and DavidMamet’s tale of trust and betrayal among intelligence operatives. In any group of men, a pecking order must be established before the group can function. Though the process now takes into account job titles and artificial leadership, lambs are not lions. A leader in title only is a liability to himself and the group he is responsible for.
Riddle me this: How can you earn the trust and respect of a company of professional soldiers if even one of them thinks he is more qualified than you to lead them all? If he thinks he is a better soldier, a better leader? Stronger, faster, tougher?
While you ponder the question, here’s something to think about: How is a group of men in uniform any different from a group of men in suits? Each culture may emphasize certain leadership qualities differently, but the principles are the same: If a leader is imposed on the group rather than arrived at by mutual selection, then the leader must prove his worth, or his tenure is doomed from the start. If the guy in charge, when sized up by the rest of the men in the room is found… wanting, you are looking at a dangerous level of inevitable dysfunction that will result in disaster somewhere along the road.
The weakest guy in the room can’t be the leader. Regardless of what his business card says, it just doesn’t work that way. You can’t get rid of thousands of generations of evolution just because we’ve decided to trade spears for pens and caves for cubicles. It may seem silly, but it’s also true and well worth acknowledging.
The true value of a mouthful of blood
I know this is going to sound strange, but a CEO who has put himself through the gauntlet – whether it was a fist fight, a combat tour in Iraq or a wrestling match against a great white shark knows how to be fearless in the face of uncertainty. He can look his competitor in the eye, say “bring it,” and mean it. He can look at an economic crisis as an opportunity to prevail against adversity and cement his company’s reputation by taking market share rather than merely hoping to hold on to what it has.
A man who has the confidence to stand his ground in the face of adversity, a man who has learned the value and excitement of fighting for something he believes in, a man who knows that no amount of pain or fear will weaken his resolve, this kind of man can lead any company away from defeat, towards success.
The guy who has never been punched in the face doesn’t yet know how tough he is. That man doesn’t know if he should get up or beg for mercy when his lip gets split. He doesn’t know what he is made of yet. Take him by surprise, upset his routine, put him in the hurt locker, and he sits there wondering what he should do next. He sits there stunned, gagging on a mouthful of his own blood, wishing he weren’t in so much pain. For precious seconds, he hesitates, not yet knowing what to do. Indecision: The antithesis of leadership.
The CEO, the Senior VP, the Director of this and that, untested, are all liabilities. Lamb playing at being lions.
The truth of it is this: What you learn fighting off bullies in your childhood, learning to stand your ground and take real hits comes back to either serve or haunt you later in life, when faceless enemies set their sights on your endeavors. Knowing that you can overcome physical adversity and survive your fear of the unknown arms you with the ability to make intelligent decisions in the heat of the moment. It teaches you to keep a cool head when everyone else panics. It teaches you not to retreat unless you absolutely have to, but to instead make your way through the storm and find calmer waters waiting beyond it.
The real beauty of it is that once the people who look to you for leadership realize that this is the type of leader you are, they will follow you anywhere. Their loyalty, their dedication, their support will be assured. And that, when it comes to building strong brands, isn’t something you can either buy or do without.
So parents, teachers, law enforcement personnel and passers-by, consider this: Next time two little boys decide to brawl, don’t stop them right away. Let them throw a few kicks and punches. Let them sort it out on their own, even if only for a few seconds. What they discover about themselves in those short, precious, terrifying moments could help shape them into formidable leaders someday. I know it sounds pretty weird, but trust me: They need to put themselves through it, black eye, mouthful of blood and all.
Cowards make lousy leaders. Give your kids enough space to learn not to be.
Brand Building and Online Marketing Blog 
I’ve never been in a physical fight, but I have had to face myself and decide if I was going to put up or shut up.
Different experiences throughout my life have presented that mirror from different angles: each resulting in my ultimate choice to figuratively get up, learn the lesson and move forward.
I sold cars for two years. Working with 99% men will teach you lessons if you’re paying attention. Figurative “fights” happened quite often. I once made a 38 year old man blush so profusely that he had to leave the room. Each day was a mental tête-à-tête: throw the other guy off his game so that you could claim the mountain.
I’m glad I no longer have to flex those muscles daily, but knowing that I’ve survived the experience gives me a confidence I didn’t have prior to living through it.
Real leaders have known pain. Faced it, internalized it and harnessed it before discharging it. That process tempers a person and leaves him or her with a calm certitude and grace that compels others to trust and follow them.
Thanks for sharing. Best, M.
“Real leaders have known pain. Faced it, internalized it and harnessed it before discharging it. That process tempers a person and leaves him or her with a calm certitude and grace that compels others to trust and follow them.”
Copied. Printed. I will be using this.
Bravo.
There really isn’t much else that can sum up my feelings towards this post. It’s dead on.
Thanks, Colby.
Well… Olivier, first off what a call to arms. A fantastic exposition of what to many may seem as a mere insignificance.
I am not sure whether I am with you all the way on getting into fist fights, but the central thesis here is highly compelling. I couldn’t agree more on your stance on leadership. The comment about indecision being the antithesis of leadership is one that rings true to me.
Thank you for such an insightful read. Loving you work, Enjoy #likeminds and be sure so say hi when you are next in London (i unfortunately cannot make the red chair event next week!)
J
Thanks, James. 🙂
Great, great article!!!! having grown up hunting, fishing, camping and living off the land during summers as a Boy scout and having studied native american tribal customs I can honestly say your wisdom here really hist the spot. A lot of what is wrong with corporate America today stems from this lack of courage. We look back at some of the great business and political leaders of this Country and we find your character traits eminently displayed.
Just the other day i traveled to NYC and as I drove over the Bridges I was amazed thinking of a young Commodore Vanderbilt navigating these waters with a barge. We think of Davy Crockett and Daniel Boone and blazing new frontiers. We Remember the Alamo and wonder who today would have such courage of their convictions. We look at a President grant or a President Eisenhower, what they saw won the battlefields convinced them there was nothing in the Oval office they could not handle.
I certainly appreciate the insight!!! Great Job!!!!!!!!
Thanks, Harry. I keep reading accounts of leaders who ran to the front of battles and fought side-by-side with their men to give them courage, and I can’t help but wonder what the modern day equivalent of that is. It isn’t testifying before congress or having brunch at the Ritz, I know that much.
Perhaps this kind of courage would manifest itself as BP senior executives trading their suits for overalls and helping clean up their oil spill where it is dirtiest. Investment bank CEOs taking salaries of $1 until their investors are making money again. Even so, we wouldn’t really come close.
This takes me back to the store manager of my Greenville, SC Best Buy, some months ago, who sat in his office for the better part of an hour while a customer service crisis was happening in his store. Leaders don’t sit in offices when the fit hits the shan. They roll up their sleeves, assess the situation, and fix the problem.
Too many “leaders” spend their lives and careers trying to avoid risk, instead of taking calculated ones. I hope to see this change in my lifetime.
Certainly, as the commenter above mentioned, having experienced adversity and pain is important in a leader. A leader has to have their abilities tested to have confidence. e However, unless someone is training to be a fighter, a person does not need confidence in their ability to fight to have confidence to do well in business.
I don’t see any correlation between physical fighting and success in society as leaders. Some of the best, most successful leaders have experienced violence, some have not.
Vanderbilt was a fierce fighter and Rockefeller was a calculator, but both succeeded wildly.
Look at our leaders in Tech. Bill Gates and Steve Jobs took risks and struggled, but no one could claim they had hard knock lives. They’re excellent leaders with confidence in their abilities.
In United States history, military generals who became presidents are generally by Historians to have been mediocre. So have many non-military presidents. The point is, it’s not a huge factor in leadership.
Very true. Not everyone fights in their own way. But I guarantee that when push comes to shove, both Gates and Jobs would have fought back. Would they have ever gone far as cage fighters? Nope. neither would most of us. But the spirit of the fight is probably in them. They simply chose different ways to channel it.
I completely see what you’re saying though, and agree with you. Leadership is leadership. Fighting is just… fighting. I know plenty of good fighters who couldn’t lead anyone if their lives depended on it. They’re just good at fighting. Great soldiers don’t always make good generals. BUT… a leader always has a lot of fight in him. He looks for them – figurative fights or real ones – and lives to test his own boundaries. Even when the circumstances of their heroism, courage, leadership were thrust upon them rather than sought. 😉
The scary thing for me is that your post is TOO spot on. And it makes me think that one of the reasons we hear of so much violence with guns by teens/young men at school or college in the U.S. is a direct result of this phenomenon. Young men who have never channeled or witnessed or thought through their anger, or challenged themselves. And then one day they’re faced with something their socialization patterns can’t handle.
So what do they do?
They take power into their hands.
And it’s way easier to take power into your hands when they’re gripping a 9mm.
The tragedies of Columbine and Virginia Tech were caused by a lot of factors. But I’d be willing to bet that there’s a core element of what you’ve described here that played a part in the psyches of the perpetrators.
There’s something to this I can’t quite put my finger on, I’ll have to ruminate and comment later.
Yes, Steve. I think so too. Looking forward to your thoughts.
Are you saying that only men can be leaders? just kidding. wow, that was long.
There’s a plaque on a stone in Blowing Rock that states, “Adversity is an anvil upon which God prepares us for life.” That pretty much sums up how i feel about a mouthful of blood.
Yep. I like that.
As for the female version of this post, I would love to write it, but I don’t understand the world of women well enough to even go there.
Spectacular. I think this blog has a lot of truth to it, especially as I observe my cohorts in Generation Y. And just wait until Generation Z starts hitting the workplace! People with this kind of testing will become few and far between.
That worries me to no end, Rob.
Best.post.ever.
I am working on my abfave project of the year, and the whole concept of ‘warrior spirit’ runs through it like a raging river. Helping them find their warrior spirit has caused me to rethink and refine mine. As the leader of 2 lil boys, we try to train like we will live- no holds barred, mouth fulla blood, skin in the game.
‘Suck it up, buttercup.’
The older one went to the Dr. the other day, got the best diagnosis I have ever heard- “Play through the pain, gut it out, and get used to it, its gonna be there for a few years.”
So true, but the pain isnt just there for the next FEW years, its always there, and once you realize you cant hide from it, you embrace it. And the mouth fulla blood is inspiration, not to be feared but embraced.
No warrior ever went undefeated- the defeats, the blood in the mouth, the skin left behind, THATS what made them warriors.
Not even gonna mention Fightclub, you know where I am on that.
But….Raymond K. Hessle, how ya gonna live out this day? I hope with a mouth fulla blood.
Hurry home.
Sake beckons.
“No warrior ever went undefeated- the defeats, the blood in the mouth, the skin left behind, THATS what made them warriors.”
I am printing that and putting it on my wall.
Funny, I had almost the same 2nd grade experience although I had it easy compared to a head but. My “Alpha” opponent gave regular shoulder shrugs and eventually I had to stand my ground and the victory was not unlike yours Olivier. The only fight I can think of that stemmed from true principle versus trying to dominate.
Olivier remember unGeeked? Speaking at that event with the line-up (including you, Chris Brogan, etc.) was indeed intimidating and this was yet another moment to step up and go for it. It went awesome.
Courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to move ahead despite it.
Thanks for the post!
Great story. And yes. Courage is not the absence of fear.
Kind of like faith not being the absence of doubt. 😉
Cheers, Tony.
I could not disagree with basic premise of this article more. You almost had it “right” a few times, but keep coming back to the, incorrect, assumption that a good leader has to have had aggressive physical confrontation. That is, simply put, plain wrong. What you say in the comments leads me to believe that you agree that that premise is wrong as well.
I would say I have never been in a real physical fight in my life, at least not one that mattered. The closest I have is when I was grabbed, by someone who I had no hope of winning against (larger, knew karate, etc…). He threatened me and my reaction to him was “ok, go for it”. I was not going to fight back. The issue over which he wanted to fight was pointless (I was right, he was wrong, we both knew it). I had the “fight or flight” response and I used “fight” – but no blows were landed. Yes there was the threat of a “mouth full of blood” but it never came.
The reaction I had came from knowing who I was. I would not fight, but I also would stand my ground. I have this in my makeup because of who I am. I did not decide at that moment how I would react – that decision was made years ago by a whole host of other, not physical acts. Fighting doesn’t decide how you will react. The decision comes from all the experiences before the fight. You don’t need a fight to have you figure any of this out.
Consider Ghandi. great leader, non-violent (though I cannot claim to know if he was ever violent as a child).
Furthermore the issue with people who make snap decisions is that they very often make poor decisions. Indecisiveness is not always a bad thing. If you do not have enough information to make a decision it can be very, very bad to make one. I personally have a tendency to make decisions quickly, but it is based on me discarding options because of flaws. If I wind up with a choice that has no obvious flaws I am happy (but I’ll discard it as soon as once presents itself). Finding that choice can take some time however. Making snap decisions in a military context is very, very different – and I would say that the same basic process is used – and a whole lot of time is spent training to know what the best decisions to make are.
The worst people I have worked for are those that have gone into a situation wanting to be the “biggest one in the room”. They make decisions based on their ego and not based on what makes sense. The best working relationships I have are ones where we do not “size each other up” (yes, it is true, not everybody does that) and decisions are made quickly based on the information.
The final, and implicit, statement (though I know you say something about this in the comments), that women cannot be leaders is bull****. The best bosses that I have worked under were women.
You come close a few times in the blog in getting it “right”, that challenges are external things that, well, challenge you, but you keep coming back to the wrong assumption that the challenges have to be physical and violent. It is a shame that you don’t express the blog in a better way.
I understand where you’re coming from, so let me clarify two things real quick:
One: I never stated or implied that women don’t make good leaders. Quite the contrary. I’ve worked for several women, and they were at least as competent and professional as their male counterparts. In many ways, they were far better bosses than men, in fact. I don’t address women’s cultural dynamics in this post because frankly, as a guy, I don’t understand them well enough to speak with authority about the female condition.
Second: The post isn’t about fighting or using violence to gain a leadership position. The post is about taking a beating and not being afraid to stand your ground and/or press on. Gandhi did exactly that. Don’t mistake non-violence with the absence of action. Gandhi was a fighter. He just didn’t use his fists.
I also don’t advocate making snap decisions. Making a decision quickly and making a snap decision are not the same thing, just like indecisiveness and patience are not the same thing. Truth is that when it comes to positions of leadership, indecision is ALWAYS a bad thing. In war, in love, in life, in business, there is no tactical advantage to a moment of indecision. Quite the contrary. Indecision kills momentum, morale and confidence. It robs you of the initiative. Indecision is in every conceivable way a liability and a cost. It is the mark of an unfit leader. To your point though, snap decisions are no better.
One final note: You disagree with my perspective even though you’ve never actually been in a fight. Fair enough, but respectfully, as admirable as standing your ground against a guy who turned out to be more bark than bite may be, those of us with experience in crossing from being threatened with violence to actually having to deal with violence might know something you don’t. Standing up to a guy puffing his chest and giving you mean looks isn’t exactly the same thing as standing your ground against two guys trying as hard as they can to break every bone in your body. Here’s the thing, D’Arcy: What you find out about yourself in the moments following the start of a fight is very different from what you find out about yourself while standing your ground against someone merely acting like a jerk. Kind of like the difference between driving a Jetta twenty miles over the speed limit and pushing an M6 as far as it will go on a slick and crowded racetrack, except multiplied by 10,000 and a lot scarier. 😉
Thanks for the comment.
“One: I never stated or implied that women don’t make good leaders. Quite the contrary.”…
Nowhere in your original text did you say *male* leaders… you said leaders If you said male leaders somewhere I missed it (I just re-read it). If you are implying male leaders it doesn’t really come through in the text.
However, even if you assert that males can only be true leaders if they have been in a fight is still false.
“The post isn’t about fighting or using violence to gain a leadership position.”
I didn’t mean to imply that that is what you said. What I said is that you keep coming back to violence as the only “true” test of oneself – in the blog… in the comments about the blog it is much clearer that you don’t consider that to be the case.
As for the fight, it was broken up before it started. I fully expected to get my mouth full of blood out of it. And, not that I am comparing myself to Gandhi, but you just said that “Gandhi was a fighter. He just didn’t use his fists.” yet my performing the same sort of action is discounted. That is where I keep coming back to your premise being wrong in your blog, but clearer in the comments.
I have been in fights (nothing that I would say is defining, and fortunately nothing that did result in a mouth full of blood). I still say that the decision to right or flight is determined well in advance of the fight – either you will or you won’t fight, and you know it, before the moment arrives.
It isn’t the fight that makes you the leader – it is the events that have lead up to the fight, what causes you to stand your ground or to flee, that matters. The fight itself is meaningless as to making you a leader.
I totally agree.
Having taught at a high school in recent years I can say for sure that if I was going through school nowadays I would be expelled pretty quick. Why? Because any act of physical violence puts you on the path to being expelled these days – even if it is retaliation in response to psychological bullying. (I learnt early on that the best way to stop a bully is to punch back.) And people wonder why kids kill themselves over things like text bullying and teasing – it’s because they have no alternative response anymore. If they fight back they are crucified by the system, if they don’t they are crucified by their peers.
Whilst teaching I saw students obviously being provoked into retaliation through teasing and the teaser then playing the victim. However the school authorities considered violent responses to be many orders of magnitude worse than teasing (which was also harder to prove and often came down to one student’s word against that of a group of other students).
Having seen some ineffectual leaders in recent years I would agree that not one of them would be the sort to fight back. The effective women leaders I have known have tended to be either ruthless or, my preferred sort, relentless (ie they don’t let go of an issue if they think it is important).
At the end of the day you’re only the underdog if you fight back. Nobody cheers a sportsteam that gives up, but the teams that fight back to win after being down are the ones that everyone remembers.
Exactly. Violence sucks, but the reality of the world is that a show of force is sometimes necessary – on a lot of levels. The example you cite is dead on target.
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thans for great sharing
As usual spot on… I always stand my ground, but pick the fights that need to be fought ( and walk away from the idiots & trolls )
Also be brave enough to admit if one is wrong and learn from it.
… And as you know the first real fight I had I broke the guys arm… he was bigger & taller but still cried out for his Mommy 🙂