September 23rd is Bisexual Visibility Day ( bivisibilityday ). Not bi-pride. Bisexual Visibility: because we’re pretty much invisible to the media, to our friends, to our colleagues. It is also Yom Kippur which is as good a time as any to reconsider the assumptions we make about each other (which is something I’m guilty of too).

It is likely that you know a few more bisexual people than you realize, because people tend to assume that a friend is either gay or straight based on whether that person is in a relationship with a man or a woman.

So I’m doing something I feel a bit awkward about. I’m coming out yet again. I thought I came out in High School when we had a GSA and I was involved with the awesome Sexual Minority Youth Assistance League. I was out in college. I was out in my dating life. I was always out with my romantic partners regardless of their gender. But apparently, since I’m married to the most wonderful man in the world a lot of people think I’m straight.

It’s really tiring having to come out all the time. In the recent past I’ve been more quiet about it because let’s face it, when someone says they’re bisexual the reaction they get from monosexual people is usually disbelief. This is a response I’ve gotten from straight and gay people.

People make assumptions that if a bisexual person is in a committed relationship with someone it means that they’ve finally “decided” what their orientation is. People also tend to think of bisexuality as a sexual practice rather then a sexual orientation. And generally people don’t want to know about your sexual practices. Which means that frequently when I come out to people I get the sort of reactions you get when you’ve just shared TMI (too much information).

My telling you that I’m bi has nothing to do with my bedroom habits. Sorry to disappoint. But my being bi is your business because my being out is how you know that we are real. The fact that I need to tell you this says it all. My orientation is a part of my social identity. Even when I have straight passing privilege. Even when people think that bisexual people are “doing it for the attention”. Even if I haven’t been active socially in the queer community for a very long time.

Anyway, I’m married to an amazing man who never doubted me. I’m old. I’m still bi. It’s not a phase. If it was a phase for you that’s totally fine. No judgement.

Because of how I look and because I’m married to a man I apparently need to come out every year. So here I am again. Still out. Still bi. I look forward to a day where heterosexuality isn’t the default assumption people make about each other.