Sexual harassment is a terrible thing.
It can leave victims terrified, bullied and depressed.
But it's usually worse for the young, vulnerable or the delicate flowers who don't know how to deal with it.
After 20-odd years of being treated as a second class citizen by undiagnosed, self-medicating psychopaths - and things are even worse outside the newsroom - this is how I learned to deal with problems in the workplace.
1. Don't put up with it
Some people will suggest you just grin and bear it. That if you don't react it'll go away.
These people are wrong.
Dealing with an idiot is the same as dealing with a toddler. If you let them get away with it to start with, they'll push you further every time until you're a quivering wreck.
Come down on misbehaviour like a ton of bricks IMMEDIATELY.
So take away their favourite toy. In an office, a moron's comforter is usually a computer mouse, favourite mug or squeezy ball. Put it out of reach and tell them they can have it back when they are better behaved.
The idiot will hate you, but they won't want to have to climb on a chair to get their mug off the stationery cupboard every day.
2. Don't rely on HR
Let's face it, in most workplaces they're useless.
Don't run to Human Remains as soon as someone starts acting like an arsehole. You'll find yourself calling on their lack of expertise every five minutes.
Save HR for when you have a dossier, a lawyer and a greater than 60% chance of getting the arsehole sacked.
3. Invoke the 2nd Amendment
The people have a right to bear arms as part of a well-regulated militia. Yes we're not all the USA, but that's no reason not to start an arms race.
You don't want what he (it's usually a he) is doing, so start doing stuff he doesn't want.
If he's talking about your boobs, start talking about his. If he's touching you inappropriately, develop an unfortunate farting problem.
Sprouts is good for this, or else a concealed noise maker.
If he's sitting on your desk, eat your lunch at his. Be sure to wipe some mayonnaise on it every time.
If he's got half a brain cell he'll soon start giving you a wide berth.
4. Take him down to Chinatown
If he has less than half a brain cell it's time to see who blinks first.
Make the effort to be friendly to his wife or girlfriend when she comes to the office, or have long chats with her when she calls in. Smirk knowingly at him afterwards.
Mention that your mum knows his mum. Tell him his hedge is overgrown or that his garage needs a new door.
Find out who he's been having an affair with in the office (inevitable if he's an arsehole) and tell her he's been taking calls from someone when she wasn't around.
He doesn't want you in his life, just under his control - show him that you can make his home life hell and he'll probably back off.
5. Send him insane
For the terminally awful pig there's one final do-it-yourself option.
Unplug his phone but leave it on his desk so he wonders why no-one calls. 'Borrow' his chair on a daily basis and return it with an altered seat position. Loosen a light bulb in his line of sight so that it flickers constantly.
Leave Post-It notes on his desk saying: "THURSDAY, 2PM". Change his computer settings so the screen is flipped or keyboard is changed. Order gimp suits to be delivered to him at work.
With one particularly pompous and annoying colleague many years ago, I removed the squeaky part of a dog toy and attached it to the lever used to change the height of his chair. He was frothing at the mouth in under an hour.
Remember, most people who harass others don't know what they're doing. Not only are they ignorant about how it feels, they're pretty stupid too.
They don't fancy you - if they did, they'd be nicer. They want to make you feel small to make themselves feel bigger, and if you show you're stronger than they thought they'll realise they're outgunned.
The best solution of all is to look them in the eye, and ask them what they're doing. To come down off that scaffolding or out of the boardroom, and explain their 'joke' to the class.
NEVER brush it off. NEVER ignore it. Call it out the moment it happens, and laugh it up.
Reassert control and, like a child, they'll realise it's in their interests to behave.
What's he going to do? Run to HR and complain that you took his mug, fart too much or made friends with his wife?
Of course some methods outlined above might, if proven, amount to a hate campaign and therefore misconduct on your part.
Chances are he won't invoke HR in case you tell them what he's been up to, but if he really is that dumb remember:
1. Dossier (he won't have kept one)
2. Lawyer (HR are terrified of them)
3. Keep it off the work computer (OBVS)
Oh, and don't forget to delete your "Orlando Bloom's wang" browsing history before you hit the harassment button.