Every now and again there’s a global brainfart and half the planet worries about who the next James Bond ought to be.
This is very silly, not just because he’s fictional but because there’s only one man on the planet with the right personal qualities to pull it off.
If you read Ian Fleming’s original novels Bond is an impoverished, embittered, ageing boozehound.
He refuses to quit cigarettes, he’s patriotic to the point of racism, and so past it both physically and socially he thinks women and Kleenex are interchangeable.
His body is so knackered and his diet so bad that he has a tongue like a 50-year-old kitchen sponge left on a compost heap, and he also has a strangely tiny weapon.
There’s surely only one man at the top of the casting director’s shortlist.
1. Nigel Farage
In recent months UKIP has been forced to deny a cash crisis after blowing £1.2m on
a game of chance halving its total number of MPs in a general election.
Nigel’s a heavy smoking, heavy drinking physical wreck of a man whose utterances about rigged elections are sounding increasingly bonkers for a man who’s lost more than 30 of them.
He’s not handsome or sexy, but he’s got the charisma to convince better-equipped enemies he’s a threat and a distressing ability to charm women to the extent there’s been reports of love triangles.
I’m not sure about his weapon, but if ever a man needed a silencer…
Nigel is plainly the best man for the job, and as a bonus it wouldn’t take much acting; he already thinks he's being targeted by assassins. But if he’s too obsessed with the French to tackle global cyber threats from the Chinese then there are alternatives.
2. Jeremy Clarkson
Appears to be a functioning alcoholic – check.
Likely to provoke international incidents – check.
Doesn’t take himself too seriously – check.
He’s tall, publicly-educated, is liked by the Prime Minister and is so outdated that if you found him lurking in your fridge you’d have to buy a new fridge.
He basically *is* James Bond, so long as you don’t think about the pubic hair on his head.
James May would make a reasonable Q, perhaps, but heaven knows what useful function Richard Hammond could perform. Bond doesn’t do sidekicks.
3. Jeremy Hunt
He’d be sort of an homage to Roger Moore and His Amazing Acting Eyebrow, a spy who seems to be quite stupid bumbling between disasters and yet somehow managing to emerge unscathed.
It could be a way to channel his deadly psychopathic attention away from the NHS and on to stuntmen who get to go home and have their tea afterwards.
As a double win, we might also get to watch him having his nads smacked with a carpet beater if they remake Casino Royale for the third time.
4. Gazza
A national hero with a place in the heart of many. Has a definite drink problem, but who wouldn’t want to see Bond tackle Jaws with a fishing rod and some fried chicken?
5. Chris Martin
This one’d get the headlines by playing totally against type. There’s a risk he’d battle international terrorism then go home and write a ballad about it, or invent a new kind of cocktail containing no vodka, gin, or enjoyment.
But perhaps he’d kick off and go on a boozy, violence-strewn intercontinental shag bender and it’d really annoy Gwyneth. I know which I’d prefer.
6. Kanye West
It’d appease not only those who say it’s time for a black Bond but the character requirement for extreme narcissism, a godlike belief in his own abilities and a level of personal debt that could be explained only by an addiction to gambling or Kardashians.
7. Me
Failing any of those, I’d do it. There’s quite a few people I can think of who should end up in their own shark tank, be depressurized at altitude, get a hand grenade between their legs or be impaled on a uranium rod.
As a bonus, if Bond is female – and my word, but there’s every reason she’d do it better – than the ridiculously named love interest can be Dr Koch, Baron Saturday Knight, or Langeur O’Toole.
M could spend his time worrying if she’ll get pregnant or complain to HR, Q could invent a deadly tampon that can get through airport security and the villain won’t be remotely worried until it’s too late and his nuts are nailed to the light fitting.
We won’t get any of them, of course, no matter how good it could be. Now Daniel Craig has signed up to a new TV show and the last film ended with him throwing his tiny weapon away to take up with a shrink, the hunt is on for someone as unlike Bond as possible.
Physically ripped, clean-living, in touch with his feminine side and interested only in killing people who deserve it. A sexy saint among spies.
Idris Elba, Michael Fassbender, Tom Hardy or any of the others frequently mentioned might fill cinema seats and swimming trunks, but they won’t be nearly so well suited to it as Our Nigel.