More than 40 years ago, when I was at university, my girlfriend became pregnant. We had decided to get married, but we both knew we did not want children. My girlfriend ended the pregnancy, and we remain married and happily child-free today. Neither family nor friends know. A few weeks ago, on TV a character talked in graphic terms about her pending abortion. My wife laughed out loud and said something like: "I just used lots of gin and strong laxatives!" Suddenly, I found myself in tears – and have come close to crying frequently ever since.
I don't know why. Did my wife's comment bring back memories I had buried? Was I crying for that unborn child who would now be 43? Was I crying at the memory of what the woman I love put herself through? Was I crying for the children we chose not to have? Perhaps I am crying because, as I get older, I realise how arrogant I was in my 20s by not wanting children?
The crying has to stop, but until I can make sense of what causes the tears, I cannot put it behind me.
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