Separation anxiety: When it starts and peaks

What is separation anxiety?

Separation anxiety is a normal stage of emotional development that happens once babies have formed strong relationships with their primary caregivers.

Around the same time, babies also begin to understand that things and people exist even when they're out of sight – a concept called object permanence. Your baby understands that when you're not there, you still exist, and you're not with them.

Since they're biologically driven to try to stay close to you (the person who keeps them safe!), they naturally protest when you leave. Also, your baby doesn't understand that you'll come back, so they get understandably distressed when you head for the door.

Toddlers develop more independence and awareness of being away from their parents, which can worsen separation anxiety. The result may be screaming and crying when you leave them at daycare or with another caregiver.

There's a wide variation in how separation anxiety affects different kids – some have a lot, some have less. If your child experiences a lot of separation anxiety, you may feel terrible every time you say goodbye and even end up crying yourself.

The good news is that separation anxiety will pass, it's developmentally appropriate, and you can take steps to make it more manageable. In the meantime, try to appreciate the sweetness of knowing that all that crying and screaming demonstrates your child's strong bond with you.

Signs of separation anxiety in babies and toddlers

Babies and toddlers with separation anxiety will:

• Cry, scream, or fuss when you leave them with another caretaker
• Frantically reach for or cling to you and other loved ones
• Struggle to fall asleep on their own
• Wake up several times at night crying for a parent

Some babies and toddlers may protest if you're out of sight for even a few seconds.

When does separation anxiety start and peak?

Separation anxiety may begin as early as 6 months old and last until your child is 3 years old. It most frequently develops between 8 and 12 months and peaks between 12 and 24 months.

That said, when and how your child experiences separation anxiety is very unique and depends on their natural temperament and interactions with you. Some children show very little separation anxiety or may not seem to be bothered by a parent's absence until they're 18 months or older. Others show an understanding of object permanence and separation anxiety much earlier – and some are affected longer and struggle with separations until the elementary school years.

Big life changes, such as moving or welcoming a new sibling, can also trigger a bout of separation anxiety. Change can feel threatening, and staying close to primary caregivers is how babies and young children keep themselves emotionally and physically safe. So it makes sense that your child would want to stay closer to you during these times.

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How to deal with separation anxiety

Separation anxiety is hard on parents too, especially if your little one gets hysterical when you leave or seems to prefer one parent over the other. You might feel guilty about leaving your baby with someone else and worry about them while you're apart. And if your baby wants your attention all the time, you may feel exhausted, frazzled, or resentful.

It's okay to have these emotions. Just keep reminding yourself that separation anxiety is normal and temporary: Your child is learning to trust you and is developing important coping skills on their way to independence. Although you may be feeling overwhelmed, keep in mind that separation anxiety is a sign of healthy attachment.

These strategies can help your baby or toddler through separation anxiety:

Play Peek-a-Boo. At home, make a habit of regularly playing brief "separation-reunion" type games, which can help your baby learn that when you're gone, you come back. You can also try a variation on this concept by briefly leaving the room where your baby is playing and then returning.

Do a few trial runs. Before leaving your child with a sitter or at daycare for a full day or evening, practice short separations. Leave your little one with a trusted caregiver for a half hour while you run to the store or walk the dog. As your child gets more confident being away from you, work your way up to longer periods of time apart.

Let your baby get to know a new caregiver first. Give your child a chance to warm up to a new caregiver or unfamiliar daycare while you're there. For example, hire a new sitter to visit and play with your baby before leaving them alone together for the first time. Or, take them to visit a new daycare with you before they start attending.

Try to time it right. Whenever possible, try to leave your baby with a sitter or at childcare after a good sleep and meal. Being tired and hungry can make separation anxiety worse.

Leave time for goodbye. Resist the urge to sneak out the back door: Your baby will only become more upset if they think you disappeared on them. Instead, tell them where you're going and when you'll be back in age-appropriate terms, such as "after you wake up from your nap."

Create a ritual. Decide on a short-and-sweet routine and stick to it every time you say goodbye, such as giving your little one a lovey to play with followed by a hug and a kiss. A comfort object can reassure your baby while you're away, while a predictable routine helps your child build trust in you and in their own ability to get through the separation.

Talk about the future. Toddlers may be comforted if you briefly talk to them about the fun things you'll do when you get back, such as reading a favorite book together or going to the park.

Keep it light. Your baby is tuned in to how you feel, so show warmth and enthusiasm for the caregiver they'll stay with. Try not to cry or act upset if your baby starts crying – at least not while they can see you. You'll both get through this. Remember that crying bouts usually only last for a few minutes after you leave. Your caregiver may tell you later that your baby's tears stopped before you were out of the driveway.

Once you leave, leave. Repeated trips back into the house or daycare center to check on your baby only make it harder on you, your child, and your caregiver.

How to handle separation anxiety at night

A baby or toddler's fear of being separated from you at night is very real for them, so do your best to keep the hour leading up to bedtime as nurturing and peaceful as possible.

A few tips to help with separation anxiety at night:

Stick to a routine. If you haven't already created a bedtime routine, now's a great time to start. For example, give your baby a warm bath, read a book, and softly sing together every night before putting your child down to sleep. Following a regular bedtime routine helps soothe babies and prepares them mentally for sleep.

Put your baby into the crib drowsy but awake. This helps babies learn to fall asleep on their own – an important skill for years to come.

Resist the urge to pick your baby up. If your baby cries after you've put them down, stick around in the room for a few minutes. They may calm down on their own. If crying continues, rub your baby's back but try to avoid picking them up. You may eventually leave the room while your baby is crying, then come back at regular intervals to comfort them.

Keep late-night visits brief. If your baby cries for you in the middle of the night, it's fine to go back into the room – both to reassure your baby and to reassure yourself. But make your visits brief and boring so your baby will learn to fall back to sleep without a lot of help from you. Regularly cuddling or rocking your child back to sleep can reinforce nighttime awakenings, resulting in a routine that's hard to break.