Why You are Probably Not Happy & How to Fix It.

If you are remotely concerned about anything in life chances are there is a TED Talk that can, in 18 minutes or less, make you feel smarter, happier and set you up for some mighty fine dinner party banter. You could – as I have said before – legit Ted talk yourself to death if you had an infinite amount of time to do so. Which you don’t – so now and again I will watch and learn on your behalf.

This week’s lucky contestant is the ever jovial Srikumar Rao, author of ‘Are you Ready to Succeed’ and ‘Happiness at Work’ who teaches a very clever MBA level class called ‘Creativity and Personal Mastery’ at lots of fancy sounding US Universities. His vision for us is that ‘When you wake up in the morning your blood will be singing at the thought of being who you are and doing what you do.’ Big Call (especially for those of us less musically inclined) – but lean in close my friend because happiness or gaining an ‘underlying sense of well being’ is not as hard as you might think.

What are we doing Wrong? The Problem with the ‘If…Then’ Model.

First up it is useful to ask yourself ‘What do you have to get in order to be happy?’ – most of us have a list of criteria that we feel will bring us the happiness we crave. We think we will be happy when we get our degree or a better job, when we meet the man of our dreams or our wife finally leaves us, when we reach a certain weight or have a certain amount of money. If we get x Then we will be happy. Problem is – argues the very jolly Mr Rao – that anything that you can get, you can “un-get”. That is, you can lose it. ‘Are you going to make your happiness contingent on getting something you may or may not get, and which you might lose once you get it?  Happiness is something that’s innately within you. There is nothing you have to get, be or do in order to be happy’.

Sound’s awesome but is this dude saying my goals are a waste of time?

No – fear not – my blog on How to Make New Years Resolutions that Really Work was not a waste of your time. This TED talk assures us that setting goals is good because they help give your life direction. But – and here is the clincher – happiness should not depend on achieving your goals. What matters most of all and is the trick to that smug feeling of contentment is the process of working toward your goals not the outcome. It’s that old chestnut of it being the journey and not the destination that really matters. Srikumar is a pretty chilled individual and urges us to adopt the attitude:

• If you achieve your goal, you’ll be fine.
• If you don’t achieve your goal, you’ll also be fine.

Why aren’t I already happy then? Why does life still suck?

It seems most of us have spent our entire lives learning to be un-happy and buying in to a mental model that ‘this is how the world works’. In terms of happiness the standard mental model is ‘we have to get something so we can be something’. He suggests we look back at ourselves 10 or even 20 years ago – there was probably something we thought if we had we would be happy. Chances are we have since had some or all of those things (a boyfriend, a good mark, a special holiday) and yet here we all are, still waiting for something else to make us happy. The only thing that has changed is what the particular thing is we believe will make us happy this time around.

In Conclusion – it’s not you whose flawed – it’s the Model.

Instead of just changing the If – if I get my book published I will be happy; Then that happens and we say – if I make the Best Sellers list I will be happy; You need to change the mental model (mind-set). You could legit kick JK Rowling’s literary arse and 6 months down the track still be the ‘same sorry miserable person you are right now’.

So what’s the answer according to this 17 minute TED talk?

• Find your passion – because ‘passion exists inside of you and does not exist inside your job’ or your wardrobe or somewhere out of your control.
• Take action because actions are (mostly) within your control and true contentment lies in the Process.
• Don’t get hung up on the outcome (beyond setting a goal for direction).
• Remember life is made up of many journeys and by repeating to yourself  ‘Here is where I am and Here is where I want to be’ you will be able to better decide if that particular journey you are taking is the right one for you.

This Get Happier post is brought to you by someone who believes that happiness comes quietly but is often talking too damn loudly to hear it.