Bonding with your baby

What is bonding?

When experts talk about bonding, they're referring to the intense, warm attachment you develop with your baby. It's the feeling that makes you want to shower them with love and affection or throw yourself in front of a speeding truck to protect them.

Bonding helps babies attach to parents in secure ways, enabling them to develop a trusting relationship. A strong bond with parents is good for a child's cognitive and social development, and it helps them feel safe in the world and develop healthy self-esteem. Bonding also helps you feel closer to your baby, making parenting more enjoyable and rewarding.

Bonding may happen within the first few days – or even minutes – of birth, as you gaze into your baby's eyes and feed, stroke, and hold them. But it can also take a little longer.

In the past, researchers who studied the process thought it was crucial to spend a lot of time with your newborn during their first few days to establish a bond right away. But now we know that bonding can take place over time. Parents who are separated from their babies soon after delivery for medical reasons, or who adopt their kids later in childhood also develop close, loving relationships.

What if I don't bond right away?

Don't worry. Bonding often takes time.

It's true that most babies are alert and responsive – ready to bond – right after delivery. This means that you can establish eye contact with them while you hold and cuddle them, talk with them, and feed them. These things can help with the bonding process, but there's no guarantee they'll make you feel close to your baby.

Mothers often feel guilty if they don't feel an instant attachment to their new baby. But bonding is an individual experience. Some parents experience it instantly when they meet their babies, and others develop it over a period of time. As long as you take care of your baby's basic needs and cuddle them regularly, they won't suffer if you don't feel a strong bond right away.

"As with any relationship, bonding with your baby takes time," says Juli Fraga, a psychologist specializing in women's health concerns. "If you don't feel overjoyed at first, it doesn't mean you're a 'bad' parent or that you don't love your baby."

There are many factors that can play a role in your ability to bond. Be patient, and don't add stress about bonding to your full plate.

What are some ways to bond with my baby?

The parent-child bond grows through everyday caregiving. Your baby may be cute and cuddly, but they're also an entirely new person you have to get to know. There's no magic formula, but a few things can help the process along.

• Keep your baby in your room while at the hospital. Have plenty of skin-to-skin cuddle time. Human touch is soothing for both you and your baby, so hold them often and stroke them gently.
• Breastfeed your baby if you can. Of course, you can still establish a tight bond with your baby while bottle feeding. But breastfeeding has an added bonus – it releases hormones in your body that promote relaxation as well as feelings of attachment and love.
• Communicate throughout the day. Hold your baby close and look into their eyes while you talk and sing to them. (Your newborn can see just far enough to make out your face.) Narrate what you're doing, thinking, and feeling.
• Play with your newborn every day.
• Give your baby a bath, and engage as you enjoy the process together.
• Carry your baby in a sling or front carrier. Feeling your baby's warmth, smelling their sweet scent, and looking down often to make eye contact with them can help you bond.
• Spend plenty of face time with your baby. Smile at them, and engage with them when they start to smile back. Before long, you'll be having a kind of conversation – when you smile, they smile. And when you coo, they'll coo back.
• Read to your baby every day. Cuddle up together with a colorful book.
• Give your baby an infant massage.
• If your baby has to spend some time in the NICU and is hooked up to wires and monitors, ask the hospital staff to help you touch and hold your baby safely.
• Don't hesitate to respond to your baby's needs and to try to comfort them when they're upset. You can't spoil a baby!
• Tune in to your baby's personality. Are they especially sensitive to sounds and light, for example? Do they enjoy being swaddled or splashing in a warm bath? Getting to know your baby can help you take good care of them, and it may make you feel closer to them, too.

Is it unusual to have a hard time bonding with my baby?

No, it's not unusual to find bonding a challenge. Becoming a parent overnight is a major, overwhelming life change, and it's natural to feel a lot of complex emotions.

Here are some of the reasons parents sometimes find bonding difficult:

• Stress. Many parents feel stressed, exhausted, and even unhappy in the first weeks after birth – leaving them too depleted to bond. Added stress from work or at home can make matters worse, especially if you don't have a lot of support.
• Insecurity about new role and responsibilities. You may feel unsure, anxious, or frustrated if things aren't going as planned now that your baby is here – for example because they're having trouble breastfeeding or they cry often, or they need special medical care.
• Temperament. Some babies seem to cry all the time, and many parents find it difficult to deal with. Some parents find it hard to bond until they start getting some reciprocal communication from their babies – when they start smiling, for example.
• Complicated or difficult labor and delivery. You may need some time to recover and process your birth, especially if you experienced complications.
• Past pregnancy loss or loss of another child. You may feel hesitant to bond with your baby because you don't want to experience the pain of another loss.
• History of depression or other mental illness.
• History of childhood trauma, such as abuse or neglect.

One BabyCenter mom who experienced postpartum hemorrhaging and had difficulty breastfeeding says, "I expected to feel a deep, overwhelming love for my baby at first sight. I was surprised when I initially felt that she was a stranger. This has changed over time, and now I have immense feelings for her and love spending time with her."

Another explains that bonding was slow at first because her new baby was miserable with tummy issues, and she was sleep deprived. "I knew I had to care for him, but I didn't love him right away – it took a good few months. Now I'm head-over-heels in love with him," she explains. "It gets easier once they start smiling and recognizing you, then cooing and being more alert and fun. When you're getting no feedback, it's rough!"

Try not to judge yourself if bonding doesn't happen immediately.  Find a new parents' group in person or online where you can swap stories with other parents – you might be surprised by how many feel the same way you do.

When should I be concerned about bonding?

Many new parents start to feel closer to their baby over time. If, after a couple of weeks, you find that you don't feel more attached to your baby than you did the first day, tell your baby's doctor and let your own healthcare provider know.

Some new parents have trouble bonding with their baby because they're struggling with postpartum depression (PPD). This is a common condition that occurs in about 1 in 8 new mothers in the U.S. and can lead to serious problems if left untreated.

PPD varies from person to person, but here are some signs:

• Constant sadness and crying
• Feelings of emptiness or hopelessness; feeling that life isn't worth living
• Loss of interest or lack of enjoyment in your usual activities and hobbies
• Loss of energy and increased fatigue
• Trouble falling sleep at night, or trouble staying awake during the day
• Loss of appetite or eating too much; unintentional weight gain or loss
• Overwhelming feelings of worthlessness or overpowering guilt
• Restlessness or sluggishness
• Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
• Lacking interest in your baby and/or family
• Avoiding friends and family
• Constantly doubting your ability to care for your baby; fear of being left alone with your baby
• Worrying excessively about your baby
• Frequent anxiety or panic attacks
• Excessive anger or irritability
• Excessive mood swings
• Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby

If you have several of these symptoms that persist for 10 days or more, or you feel that your depressed feelings are worsening or interfering with your daily life or your ability to take care of your baby, talk with your doctor right away. PPD is treatable, and there's no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed about seeking help – it's the best move you can make for both you and your baby.

To get help:

• Talk with your provider right away. If they think you may have PPD, they'll refer you to a therapist or psychiatrist for treatment, which could include medication.
• If you're having thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, call 9-1-1 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
• Call The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline at 1.833.943.5746. They're available 24/7 for emergency support.
• Call Postpartum Support International for non-emergency resources and support at 1.800.944.4773.