Column: THE ALL-TIME WRESTLEMANIA CARD

THE ALL-TIME WWE WRESTLEMANIA CARD

By Justin Henry

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Longtime internet wrestling ranter Scott Keith wrote a piece a little over ten years ago in which he assembled the “all time WrestleMania card” by picking one match for each WrestleMania. Sounds pretty simple, right? You can make a pretty damn good card by simply choosing the best match from each prior WrestleMania, no?

Here’s the catch: you can only use each wrestler ONCE.

That’s right. It’d be easy to pick every Shawn Michaels match that’s ever taken place (all seventeen of them), and fill out the majority of your card that way. But it takes real skill and determination to choose JUST ONE match of “The Heartbreak Kid”, while snubbing his other masterpieces. Do I pick his ladder match from WrestleMania X with Razor Ramon? Or do I go with his classic with Kurt Angle? Maybe his showstealers with The Undertaker? But he had two! WHICH ONE DO I PICK?!?

And with twenty-seven slots to fill, without the luxury of using a wrestler more than once, this is quite the challenge, isn’t it?

Challenge accepted.

Here now, to serve to both entertain you, and create fodder for debate, is my all-time WrestleMania card. And, as always, debate IS welcome.

(NOTE: Because of the complexities of this game, some top notch wrestlers may have been omitted. The most glaring omissions? Kane, Big Show and Ric Flair. My apologies, guys)

WrestleMania I: Andre the Giant vs. Big John Studd ($15,000 Slam Match)

See what I mean? I could’ve put Andre’s legendary showdown with Hulk Hogan at WrestleMania III on here, but I had a) a better choice for that event and b) a suitable choice for Hogan otherwise. Instead, why not show Andre at his ‘good-guy best’? He slams Studd, wins the money, and gets to hear the roar of the Madison Square Garden faithful.

WrestleMania II: British Bulldogs vs. Greg Valentine/Brutus Beefcake (WWF World Tag Team)

A sensible way to get the likes of Dynamite Kid and The Hammer involved, and it’s also Davey Boy Smith’s best WrestleMania match. Besides, Ozzy Osbourne was in the Bulldogs’ corner, and Ozzy (much like extra cheese and scented candles) makes everything better.

WrestleMania III: Macho Man Randy Savage vs. Ricky Steamboat (WWF Intercontinental)

Any objections to me snubbing Hulk/Andre in favor of the WWF’s best match of the 1980’s? No? Well, ok then.

WrestleMania IV: Demolition vs. Strike Force (WWF World Tag Team)

This was a safe way to get a decent match on here without putting in one of the tournament matches out of context. Tito Santana’s record at WrestleMania, I believe, is 1-747, so choosing a loss that includes a popular tag team in Ax and Smash seemed to make sense.

WrestleMania V: Ultimate Warrior vs. Ravishing Rick Rude (WWF Intercontinental)

When I  started this list, I had Warrior and Hogan penciled in for the following year, but….things changed. I came up with a better match for Hogan (more on that later), and this allowed me to work Rude in. If nothing else, this was certainly Warrior’s second best WrestleMania match behind the classic with Hogan, so there you go.

WrestleMania VI: Ted Dibiase vs. Jake Roberts (Million Dollar Championship)

I don’t care if the fans were doing the wave during this match or not: this was a fine match. Plus, it blew off a yearlong storyline. When do we have yearlong angles anymore that don’t involve two former world champions making gay jokes and “via satellite” cracks on Twitter?

WrestleMania VII: Mr. Perfect vs. Big Bossman (WWF Intercontinental)

I snuck this one in there when I realized that I hadn’t used either man yet. It’s a fun match with some crazy sell-jobs from Perfect. It’s also depressing when you realize that both men are no longer with us. The funny thing is, if you watch this entire list in order as if it were one WrestleMania, Bobby Heenan steals Andre’s money in the first match, then Andre walks out during this match and beats up Heenan’s client. It writes itself!

WrestleMania VIII: Owen Hart vs. Skinner

I wanted to include Owen’s match with his brother from WrestleMania X, but a better Bret match came to mind. Then I had Owen and Jeff Jarrett’s match with D-Lo Brown and Test locked in at WrestleMania XV, so we could at least have Owen’s last hurrah. But then I needed a match for this show, so changes were made. Owen wins a relative squash here.

WrestleMania IX: Razor Ramon vs. Bob Backlund

No ladder match with Michaels because I wanted Shawn elsewhere. In the spirit of keeping the big names involved, here’s Razor winning a shorty over Mr. Backlund.

WrestleMania X: Lex Luger vs. Yokozuna (WWF Championship)

That’s right, I left out Bret/Owen and Michaels/Razor for this. What I’m wondering most is if Mr. Perfect is going to be in good enough shape to referee after the ass-kicking Bossman gave him three matches earlier. What a trooper Curt Hennig is!

WrestleMania XI: Lawrence Taylor vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

Shawn, Bret, and Undertaker were no-go’s for this one, and while I considered putting Owen’s first title victory here (Owen gets bounced around more than a foster child, it seems), including the mainstream match that helped keep WWF afloat in 1995 I felt was essential.

WrestleMania XII: Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Goldust (Hollywood Backlot Brawl)

No Shawn, Bret, Undertaker, Austin, Warrior, etc. This won by default. Besides, I needed Piper in there somewhere. Is it worth preserving the great matches of others just to see Goldust in lingerie? Why, yes. Yes it is.

WrestleMania XIII: Bret Hart vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin (Submission Match)

This was the first one I put in there, because it’s the greatest match in the history of North American wrestling. To not include this would like be like doing a movie of Steve Austin’s life and leaving out all the WWE parts. It just wouldn’t be right. Best match ever, period.

WrestleMania XIV: Cactus Jack/Chainsaw Charlie vs. New Age Outlaws (WWF World Tag Team/Dumpster Match)

This is like the third hardcore-style match in a row, but it gets some important players involved. Foley is essential, the Outlaws are icons of a popular area, and it’s an excuse to include Terry Funk. Besides, it was a rather nifty hardcore match from four men who are skilled brawlers.

WrestleMania XV: Butterbean vs. Bart Gunn (Brawl for All)

The night Bart Gunn’s head went all “Linda Blair” on him.

WrestleMania 2000: Kurt Angle vs. Chris Benoit vs. Chris Jericho (Eurocontinental Two Falls)

Jericho said in his second book that he disliked this match, but it was really the only way I could get him on here. Besides, he was almost omitted: I had the Benoit/Angle match for X7 listed, and I had the Triple Ladder match from 2000 here instead. Then I said, “Hey dumbass, just switch them around, add Jericho to Benoit/Angle, this way Jericho’s included!” Gee, thanks, brain!

WrestleMania X7: Edge/Christian vs. Hardy Boyz vs. Dudley Boyz (WWF World Tag Team/TLC)

You’ll come for the crazy stunt show, and you’ll stay for Jim Ross saying “Lita jerking Edge off!” out of context. But in all seriousness, I’m glad I made the switch. This one was better than their match the previous year, due to the quicker pace. Actually, with so many big names thrown around this list, I originally had Vince and Shane’s street fight here, and Benoit was listed much later (his US Title match with MVP at 23). When I realized I needed Angle, I switched them around until I eventually came out with this blend. It was for the best.

WrestleMania X8: The Rock vs. Hollywood Hogan

And this is why I saved Hogan for so long. Rock’s matches with Austin would be disqualified due to my insistence on having Austin/Bret included, so what’s left? Rock/Shamrock? Rock/Sultan? This was needed, just for the crowd reaction alone. It’s like Hogan was in exile for nine years (like WCW never existed), and he stepped back into the spotlight to face the current top dog. One of the most surreal, amazing experiences I’ve ever had as a fan.

WrestleMania XIX: Triple H vs. Booker T (World Heavyweight Title)

I hated this match, due to Booker being treated like a punk, and Jerry Lawler on commentary bringing up Booker T’s criminal background about seven or eight times, REALLY pissing off Jim Ross to the point where Ross snapped at him and almost said “goddamn”. It was uncomfortable at times, but incredible too. This match is best enjoyed with your eyes closed and the volume up, just to see how JR can be when he’s legitimately irritated.

WrestleMania XX: Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar (Guest referee: Stone Cold Steve Austin)

Speaking of surreal, we have this match! The anti-classic in which the crowd dumped all over both men had to be included, with so many of the bigger names involved elsewhere. Besides, there’s a new wrinkle: can Austin find a tourniquet in time from the beating he received seven matches earlier in order to referee this historic match? That’s some edge-of-the-seat junk right there.

WrestleMania XXI: Rey Mysterio vs. Eddie Guerrero

I needed to involve Eddie, even if it did mean taking Rey out of his match with Cody Rhodes at 27. Guess it’s appropriate that the best friends get their moment here.

WrestleMania XXII: Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James (WWE Women’s)

I needed a Divas match somewhere, and this was the safest bet of all. Mickie James did things in this match that should guarantee her a Hall of Fame spot, anoint her for sainthood, and forever earned the love and lust of open-minded male wrestling fans everywhere. Certainly, this match was “not PG.” Yes, I realize I could have gotten Kane and Big Show on here by including their tag team title match with Carlito and Chris Masters, but what would you rather see: Carlito and Masters, or Mickie’s ‘finger-lick’ gesture? Don’t even lie to me.

WrestleMania XXIII: Umaga vs. Bobby Lashley (Battle of the Billionaires)

Austin gets to referee again! This was a make-up call for removing Vince and Shane from X7. Since I couldn’t include Vince’s pulverizing from 22 against Michaels, this was a good way to get McMahon involved so that he could be humiliated in grand fashion. The funniest part is that Vince did commentary for four matches earlier in the night as an unbiased announcer (10-13), and now he’s a prickish billionaire who soothes his own ego. Even funnier: Vince gave Austin a seal of approval at 13 as a certified bad ass, and now Austin’s helping shave his head. That’s a logic jump even Vince Russo wouldn’t attempt.

WrestleMania XXIV: JBL vs. Finlay (Belfast Brawl)

I like both guys. It gets both guys involved. I considered putting the Kane/Chavo Guerrero ECW Title match here, but a) I hate seeing the ECW title disgraced and b) Chavo annoys me. Sorry, Kane.

WrestleMania XXV: Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker

Was it worth saving both men until this stage of the card? Oh yeah.

WrestleMania XXVI: John Cena vs. Batista (WWE Championship)

Had to include both men somehow, and I really liked this match a lot. It had the great strong-style near falls, some good brawling, Batista’s hilarious reaction when Cena kicked out of the Batista Bomb, and Cena celebrating with the Cena-hater in the front row with the widest troll-face smile you’ll ever see in your life. It’s forgotten next to Shawn’s career ender in the ensuing match, but this was a damn good bout all its own.

WrestleMania XXVII: CM Punk vs. Randy Orton

Punk had three Money in the Bank matches that were almost couldn’t be included, because having eight men in a match kills the rest of your list considerably. It was either Punk/Rey from 26 or this, and since I wanted the Rey/Eddie match, this was a no-brainer. Besides, Orton hasn’t had many classic WrestleMania matches, and this was at least a good match, if nothing else.

So, that’s my list. If you’ve got a better one, let’s hear it.

(Justin Henry is a freelance writer whose interests are rooted in NFL, MLB, NBA, wrestling, MMA, and entertainment. He can be found on Twitter at https://twitter.com/cynicjrh and on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/notoriousjrh so check him out)