“BTS, the road to the sea”

Who said my spoon’s dirty
<MIC Drop>

We were not originally dirt spoons.
It was prejudice that sprinkled the dirt on us.
And in that way, we became encased in it.

For you, the title of a rapper is too luxe
<We Are Bulletproof Pt.2>

None of you have power so you must have definitely done some crap [to get here]
<2!3!>

‘Lower class idols without much to them’ was our second name
<Sea>

SUGA speaks. “I didn’t want to get hurt. Because then I’d only be proving the stereotype. I didn’t want to be sad.”

They lifted their dirt spoons and the mocking began, but they didn’t throw them away. They only clenched harder. The indifference continued but they didn’t spit it out, swallowing instead. Poison poured out and yet they withstood it through their blood, sweat, and tears. This is BTS.

[In English] “We are going to announce next performer. They are international superstar. Here’s BTS, which is having a huge fan over here.”

 13^th June 2013, Mnet M!Countdown. BTS entered. Their debut song: ‘No More Dream’. But you couldn’t have dreamt something stranger than this – this reality. Their company head, Bang Shi Hyuk, was the subject of scrutiny – “that guy’s a ballad composer!” The name ‘bulletproof boyscouts’ one of ridicule – “they’ve become the victim of bullets!” The company Big Hit receiving sympathy – “the company’s small so they can’t be successful.” And their genre of hip hop the subject of mockery – “as if idols are hip hop.”

Truthfully, there was a sour taste from the very beginning. What had seemed like the sea was in fact the desert. The desert they first met: their trainee days. And so DICON’s first question is also about their trainee days.

DICON: The seven of you gathered. No, seven dreams gathered.

RM: I wanted people to hear my stories. For it to be in front of many people, for many people. Through my voice, I mean. That was the beginning of my dream.

SUGA: Billboard, the AMAs… these weren’t on my wishlist. A dream too far away? It was an impossible goal. At the time, my dream was that many people would hear the music I had made. That was all my dream was.

Jung Kook: Nothing was sure. It was a time too vague, uncertain. I didn’t even know how you’d go about dreaming of something. The future? Nah, I just looked forward and kept going.

V: I was happy to even just become a trainee. I enjoyed learning. I was able to dance every day, and I worked hard each and every day. At the time, the present was more important than a future that I couldn’t see.

Jin: Doing a concert was my dream. I wanted to be able to breathe together with our fans through our music.

Jimin: I was fascinated by meeting sunbae singers. [Note: A ‘sunbae’ is one who has begun your area of study of work before you.] The thought that I wanted to become like them? They were really cool.

j-hope: My goal was always clear. To stand on stage. To become the best. But first, I needed to survive. The trainee period was a constant cycle of having to survive. When one person entered, one person would have to leave. I had to withstand that. But…

DICON: ‘But’, indeed. The sky was the limit, but the reality was the floor. It wasn’t easy. Just like in their music.

Where I thought it was sea, it was desert instead
‘Lower class idols without much to them’ was our second name
Even getting cut from broadcast was too big, our dream was to be a replacement for one of the numerous faces
And some said our company was too small for us to become anything
<Sea>

j-hope: It wasn’t an easy thing, to separate with trainee friends. They’d been friends like family. The reality was too cruel.

RM: There were moments when the future felt opaque. That my existence wouldn’t be + or even 0, but just -.  ‘Oh we’ll just be preparing forever’ were the sorts of thoughts that would have me lose my energy.

Jimin: Moments when I would only see an insurmountable wall in front of me. That feeling that I could keep trying and trying but nothing would work? The wall of reality was higher than I thought. But I didn’t think of giving up.

Jin: With our debut approaching, we started to officially learn some choreography. It didn’t work out the way I wanted. That was hard. And I’d keep getting into trouble too.

Jung Kook: It was then that the hours of practice increased dramatically. To the point of impossibility. But once we debuted – I had the feeling of being a frog in a well? I was critical of myself, thinking ‘I’m too lacking’.

V: I liked dancing. No matter how hard practising was, I was able to deal because I liked it. It was living away from my parents that was harder. Being parted for so long, I missed them.

SUGA: The cheapest meal around the company was about 6000W. With monthly living expenses of about 300,000W, it wasn’t doable. I did part-time work of MIDI lessons and deliveries side by side. And then, I had an accident on the road. My shoulder was badly hurt. I thought about giving up and going down home… but the members stopped me. And the company waited for me.

And it was then that Suga adopted that pain into his rapping.

The roots of my art saw all the sweetness and sourness of this earth
The time the bathroom floor persuaded sleep is just a good memory now
The debut in which I had to grip onto the shoulder ruined from my delivery part time job
Who are you, pretending that you’ve dealt with hardship in front of me
<The Last>

DICON: They had each other. They were each other’s strength. And so, You Never Walk Alone. The seven of them walked together. Encouraging each other.

 RM: I remember saying ‘Don’t you think we should at least have a concert in the Olympic Arena before we die’.

Jin: Namjoon is – always like that. He grasps onto each of us, shouting ‘fighting!’ It’s such a big encouragement. I like it when the members laugh together. That way, I can bear it.

j-hope: It was decided that the seven of us would be the members. From that moment, we just looked forward and ran. Trusting in each other, relying on each other. We dripped blood and sweat together. We encouraged each other, saying ‘Whatever the results are, let’s have a go’.

Jimin: The members said stuff like this. ‘I’d really like it if you came with us.’ This is the strength of words: I was able to work harder. Because there was the goal of being together until the very end, I didn’t give up.

V: Of course – it was hard. It could only be so. But it wasn’t just me that was having it hard. There’s no member that didn’t have it hard. And so I was able to gather more strength. We would look at each other and gain a bit more energy.

SUGA: That’s right. The reason I was able to push through was because – of the members. They were the best encouragement. When the members practised. I made music. The beats for ‘Tomorrow’ and ‘Agust D’ were made then.

Jung Kook: It was the day of the showcase. Coming down from the stage, I had a lump in my throat. And it wasn’t just me. We hugged each other. We teared up. I remember that day.

These wings budded from pain, but they reach towards the light
Though it’s hard and painful, I’ll fly towards it if I can
So I’m not afraid anymore, can you hold my hand
Because if you’re with me, I can smile
<A Supplementary Story: You Never Walk Alone>

Jung Kook: That day. The sound of the cheers from those that didn’t know us is still crystal clear in my memory. The problem was – the next day. I think I was too excited. There were a lot of mistakes at the rehearsal of ‘Music Bank’. I remember getting into so much trouble…

Jimin: I was unable to consider the way people saw us or their response. I thought that if I tried a little harder, it’d become a little easier. I practised as I monitored myself.

Jin: I kept watching the performances of the sunbaes. And one more thing: I was so envious of their fans’ cheering.

V: The scars we have from back then – I can’t remember them easily. I’ve already forgotten it. More than that – I was so interested that we came out on TV. I remember calling my grandmother and parents asking if they saw the music stage performance.

Jung Kook: There were a lot of hate comments, of course. But I admit it. We were too lacking, then. It only made me clench my teeth tighter. I practised even harder, without differentiating between night and day. When there was time, I went looking for our practice rooms.

DICON: What would their next goal have been. They said it was ‘staying alive’. They really did have to stay alive.

Jin: There were many groups that debuted at a similar time. We couldn’t breathe easily just because we’d gotten to the stage. There were times we couldn’t do the full song. And it was times like those I would be devastated. I practised even more desperately. I thought that if we had the skill, we wouldn’t be pushed aside.

SUGA: The nature of the music shows is fiercely competitive. I wanted to stand on stage – because I wanted to keep doing music.

j-hope: Wouldn’t it be the same for any trainee? We were really desperate. We thought every day that we needed to stay alive on this stage.

RM: We had to show them in a short amount of time. We had to draw people’s attention to ourselves. We also knew there was no ‘next time’. We couldn’t choose [a time and place]. We had to prove ourselves.

Jimin: It was like having to rise, starting from the very bottom? When we couldn’t even see ahead. It wasn’t possible just through our passion. But the thing I could do was a constant self-criticism, berating myself thinking ‘this is nothing’…

V: In my trainee period, I had to meet and leave so many trainee friends. We had to survive from then.

Jung Kook: I don’t know what kind of self-confidence it was to be able to think ‘I’ll be able to become something’, ‘We’ll be able to become something’. I was sure.

If you can’t fly, run
Today we will survive
If you can’t run, walk
Today we will survive
If you can’t walk, crawl,
crawl and gear up
<Not Today>

DICON: The smell of sweat in their practice rooms reeked. Their stage performances were dope. Their raps were clear. And that way, they stood apart.

 Jin: Our colour was different from the start. It wasn’t a method of differentiating ourselves. It was just that this was the type of music we wanted to do. More than anything else, we trusted the members, and followed our company. We weren’t afraid.

SUGA: Yes, we weren’t afraid. We weren’t afraid, but – people were afraid of us.

RM: It was the rap I’d practised hard for a long time. It was the type of music that I’d loved. I thought I could relay it better than anybody else. Though when I look back, there were many points at which that wasn’t true…

j-hope: We didn’t compare ourselves to other groups. We just did our thing. Of course, it was shocking to other people. We hoped that shock would stay as a strong image to them.

Jimin: We wanted to speak of the worries of teens. Because they were our worries. Hip hop was the best way to deliver our thoughts in music.

V: Us being different – we thought that was our strength.

Jung Kook: At that time, my goal was our team. I couldn’t be a hindrance. To be able to my role well; that was my constant homework.

Damn pride of hip hop, idol rapper?
Cut that crap
You ignore me, saying my basis is just idol shit
You give your backbone to the dogs and mock my name
Y’all that only know bringing people down and disregarding them
How you kill me?
<BTS Cypher Pt1.>

DICON: BTS fought. The opposition? You. And themselves. Like V said. “It was important that we do well. I was sure that we would be recognised then.” Eventually, they did. The prejudice disappeared. Of course it did. Because. It. Is. Not. Serendipity. There was a reason.

RM: The negative perception didn’t change in one go. It was bit by bit. I think it was from ‘I Need You’ onwards.

Jin: ‘Mic Drop’. The performance many people said was cool.

SUGA: The AMAs’ stage ‘DNA’. Misunderstanding turned to understanding.

j-hope: There was a song called ‘Born Singer’. A song that showed who we were. What we were thinking.

Jimin: I suggest ‘Save Me’.

V: ‘Mic Drop’.

Jung Kook: ‘I Need You’, ‘Dope’.

DICON chose Jungkook’s solo ‘Begin’. This is the epitome of an origin song. Producer Bang Shi Hyuk asked him if anything was difficult. Jungkook said “I don’t have anything that’s difficult. I came up at fifteen not knowing anything. Because it was something I really wanted to do …” And he continued. “The one difficulty is that the hyungs that I live with are having it hard. I don’t know or care about anything else. It’s most difficult seeing my hyungs having it hard.”

He cried. Bang Shi Hyuk PD cried. j-hope cried. RM cried. Jin cried too. And Suga. And V, and Jimin. And Jungkook – Jungkook broke down.

DICON: In that way, ‘Begin’ was born. But it’s not just Jungkook’s beginning. The following is the hyungs’ response.

RM: I can’t forget the image of Jungkook breaking down, crying, saying ‘The hyungs having it hard is the most difficult thing for me’. More so because Jungkook rarely shows his inner emotions.

Jin: I remember Jungkook bawling in front of Bang Shi Hyuk PD. I felt bad for him, but also proud, and also that he looked cute.

SUGA: Of course it was hard. And we’d lose our strength at times. And so, every time I listen to ‘Begin’, I feel strange – though of course when I see Jungkook’s solo stage the only thought that overtakes me is that he looks cool.

j-hope: I’m proud of Jungkook. He expresses his story through his own dance and singing. It’s a song in which you can truly feel Jungkook’s energy.

V: I remember it even now. What Jungkook said as he cried. That story remains beautifully intact in the song.

Jimin: Thanks to Jungkook, the hyungs gain more strength. It’s the beginning for all of us.

Me, without anything at the age of fifteen
The world so big and me, so small
I can’t even imagine it now
Me, having been without an aroma, unfilled; me, me, I pray
Love you my brother, my brothers are here
I began to feel and I became me
<Begin>

DICON: The dark night passed. The morning came. What could their driving force be. What’s sure is this: it is now time for us to give them a thumbs up.

RM: Faith. My faith wasn’t wrong. I wanted to show that. I think that’s why I always tried things. I wanted to prove myself.

SUGA: Pride. That there are fans who like our music, who wait for our stages. I wanted to make them proud. 

Jimin: There was a goal I was heading towards. Next to me are my members. And fans who are with us always.

Jin: The reason we could bear it was the fans. Because we receive love, we couldn’t let them down.

j-hope: That’s right, our fans are our greatest driving force. We register that we’re alive through the fans who like our music. We’re here now because of our fans.

V: And so, ‘ARMY’.

Jung Kook: We wanted to show them good stages and let them hear good music.

DICON: And in the end, their driving force is ARMY. As it has always been. At the end of all conversation, it’s always ARMY. Wouldn’t DICON’s end also have to be about ARMY? In particular, their fan-banners [at WINGS Epilogue in Seoul] ‘If we’re together, even the desert becomes the sea’ was moving.

[Note: Such banners are prepared by ARMY for each concert in Korea, as well as many overseas. They are kept hidden until the encore stage, then shown en masse. A part of Korean fandom culture, it is treasured by the idols and fans alike.]

RM: The question ‘Could the desert ever become the sea?’ is the summary of the self-doubt and self-questioning that I’ve undergone since pre-debut. It was the greatest answer to that question. Because I know the love of the fans, I couldn’t help but cry.

Jin: When did they prepare such a thing to make us so emotional? I was so thankful. I couldn’t stop crying.

SUGA: These days, I’ve become a person with more tears. Perhaps security, perhaps fear, perhaps joy, perhaps sorrow… these complicated emotions are pushing their way in.

j-hope: Fan-events always raise goosebumps. Because we know their care, when their energy is shown to us, a great synergy occurs. It’s so incredibly moving. We are always thankful, we always love you.

Jimin: If I was able to explain how I was feeling through words in those moments… a couple of books would have been published. It was the moment I realised ‘Yes, the fans are always at our side’. I’m so happy I keep tearing up.

V: When I see the messages fans send, I remember the difficulties of the past. I’m in some way sad, for it’s like I’m seeing the light now.

Jung Kook: I could feel everything on the stage. ARMY’s breath, voice; ARMY’s screams, tears. Whenever I see fans like that I’m deeply moved. I did well, becoming a part of BTS…

 DICON: And so, the letter you want to give to ARMY?

RM: I’m getting to know ‘our’ ARMY. Rather than ‘us’, it’s like there are countless moments of ‘me’ and ‘you’. I really want to get to know the meaning of ‘us’; being truly together. I would like it if our members, each and every of us, could be that sort of ‘us’ to ARMY. I guess you would all be living your lives somewhere in the world doing different things in different ways. But through music, through our stages, we are breathing together. I want to live through this world in this way – by comforting one another through the inevitable loneliness and alone-ness we are bound to experience as humans. That is the work I want to do.

Jin: Because of ARMY, the places others call deserts I have been able to experience as seas. Thank you for making me happy. I love you.

SUGA: I think I’m flying too high. I see so many things, and I see so far away. I thought I’d always be happy above the clouds, but seeing what’s below, I also get afraid. Because we fly together, I gain courage. While falling is scary, landing is not. Thank you for being with us. I’m always thankful, always love you.

j-hope: Thank you for always cheering us on and loving us. I’m happy that I get to be your hope.

Jimin: To ARMY. I think that you all know the heart I see you all with. Because you have walked with us, I am able to take one step further. I will try so that I am able to show you more – so that I will be able to love you more. I love you.

V: I would like it if you weren’t hurt, and if your life was only full of the happiest days. I really love you.

Jung Kook: I will always be here. You can come any time you want to see me, and when you need to leave, when you want to leave, you can leave at any time. But please just remember this. That I will always be here. [This is in reference to his 2018 White Day present for ARMY.]

Thank you that you’ve let me be me
For letting me fly
For giving someone like me wings,
for folding me who was crumpled
For waking me on a frustrating day,
for waking me from only living in my dreams
For when I think of you I feel clearer, for brightening my sadness
Thank you, for becoming ‘us’
<Save Me>

It’s not the end until it’s done for Dispatch. And it’s the same for DICON. The pages have not ended yet. There’s no time to be suspicious of BTS. As the Chainsmokers said, they are international superstars. Would they be envious of their success? No, failure is experience. The mottos that BTS recite is their encouragement to the world.

RM: At times, we have to erase a lot of things to fill ourselves up again. I always memorised the motto of ‘do’. “I trust myself and just do”. Not ‘you have to do’, just ‘do’. If you do that, it will truly happen.

j-hope: Trust yourself. And go forward. That is the first step to success.

Jin: I always say ‘I am the best’. I trust myself, and encourage myself saying ‘It’s okay. You can do well’. And as if it’s a lie, you’ll be doing well.

SUGA: The world has never had you dream, or taught you anything. And then you say it’s your fault. But it isn’t your own. Don’t blame yourself. When it’s hard, you can rely on us. If someone is having it hard, please be their support. This is the reason I started music. That our music could become a small strength.

Jimin: If you have a goal you really have to reach. Don’t look back.

Everybody says NO! You can’t say
‘later’ anymore. Don’t be trapped in someone else’s dream anymore.
We roll (we roll) We roll (we roll) We roll
Everybody say NO! It really can’t be any time other than now.
Because you still haven’t tried anything yet.
<N.O>

Jimin: Don’t pause, don’t hesitate. The important thing for now is that you try. If there’s a road you want to take, walk it surely. Only that way will you not regret it.

V: You can fail, fall, and be discouraged. Of course you will. As long as after you fail, fall, and be discouraged, you don’t give up. Even if you think you want to give up, I hope you can dig your feet in and rise up. If you can’t trust yourself, at least for those who trust in you.

Jung Kook: Don’t regret what has already happened. For now, face your current reality, and think about what you can do. Decide the order of what you need to do things in, and deal with one thing at a time. There’ll be a point where you’ve done what you wanted to do. We will cheer for you too. Don’t lose energy.

Tomorrow, for us to keep stopping in our steps
we’re still too young. Tomorrow, for us to open and close the door
there’s too many things that can be seen. Follow your dream
like breaker, even if it breaks, oh better.
Follow your dream like breaker, even if it breaks, oh
don’t flee, never.

<Tomorrow>

---

This is the Dispatch (DICON) interview that was held to accompany their magazine release of a full-scale photoshoot the Korean news source Dispatch had with BTS. It gives a new depth to their personal confession found in their VCR for the Wings Epilogue Tour in Seoul. Thanks to the writers Im Geun Ho and Kim Suji, Julie for the scans. Please link to this page and/or my twitter for credit!