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Men and Marriage

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"Timely when originally published, Men and Marriage is essential now given the the warlike climate of male-female relationships, unfortunately fostered by radical feminism." Rush Limbaugh

Men and Marriage is a critical commentary that asks the burning question, How can society survive the pervasive disintegration of the family? A profound crisis faces modern social order as traditional family relationships become almost unrecognizable.

George Gilder's Men and Marriage is a revised and expanded edition of his 1973 landmark work, Sexual Suicide . He examines the deterioration of the family, the well-defined sex roles it offered, and how this change has shifted the focus of our society. Poverty, for instance, stems from the destruction of the family when unmarried parents are abandoned by their lovers or older women are divorced because society approves of their husbands' younger girlfriends.

Gilder claims that men will only fulfill their paternal obligations when women lead them to do so, and that this civilizing influence, balanced with proper economic support, is the most important part of maintaining a productive, healthy, loving society.

He offers a concrete plan for rebuilding the family in America. His solutions challenge readers to return to these roles and reestablish the family values that were once so crucial in staving off the ills that plague our country. Gilder insists that it is time to reexamine what "liberation" has wrought and at what cost. Only a return to traditional family values, he contends, can stem the tide of disaster.

George Gilder is the author of Wealth and Poverty, the best-selling critique of Reaganomics, The Spirit of Enterprise, Visible Man, Naked Nomads, and The Party That Lost Its Head . He was a speechwriter for Ronald Reagan and now writes regularly for The Wall Street Journal and National Review about material advances and their effect on society. His most recent books include two other well-known social commentaries, Microcosm and Life After Television. Also available in paperback.

240 pages, Hardcover

First published August 31, 1986

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George Gilder

59 books268 followers

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Displaying 1 - 30 of 76 reviews
Profile Image for Stephanie.
179 reviews1 follower
March 14, 2012
I don't feel, like some of the reviewers, like this book is dated at all, despite the fact it's a reworked book from the '70s. It deals with overarching principles of masculinity and femininity. Society as a whole truly seems to follow the patterns he lays out. In my life, i've observed how single young men struggle with the feelings of dispensibility and frustration; how single young women use their sexual superiority to build society or tear it down; how women define civilization; how men preserve and protect it when love transforms them. For women who are offended and feel his perspective too archaic, he certainly is NOT saying women don't belong in the workforce period. He merely emphasizes the disparaging role that radical feminism has played towards abolishing masculinity.
I think it had wonderful things to say about the way women dominate/manage culture and the way men's place in society is usurped by radical feminism. His observation about the sacrifices of men in the Home Front chapter is particularly astute, imo. I reread almost every chapter as I felt i couldn't grasp it all the first time around. This has been the best descriptive and prescriptive commentary on gender roles I've ever read.
Profile Image for Suzannah Rowntree.
Author 31 books538 followers
March 27, 2023
I didn't appreciate the author's overriding thesis, that women are naturally superior, naturally more moral, religious, unselfish, responsible, etc, than men. Gilder's claim that women are the only force inspiring men to defer their gratification and build civilisations rather than destroying them, and his evident expectation that civilisation will inevitably crumble in the absence of sexual virtue, seemed a little overstated to me. Women don't have salvific power, thank God.
Profile Image for Douglas Wilson.
Author 287 books4,024 followers
July 4, 2011
I read an earlier form of this way back in the day (the earlier version was called Sexual Suicide). I may also have read the reissued book sometime as well, or at least I thought I had. I just now read it again for a book I am writing, and was struck by what a fertile book it is. What a good book.
Profile Image for William Schrecengost.
792 reviews31 followers
January 8, 2020
Very good book on the roles of men and women in society taken from biological, sociological and anthropological evidences. He argues that family is the base economic unit (which he fleshes out more in his Wealth and Poverty). Society is based on the existence and continuance of the family unit. Men must give themselves up for their wives and children and be the provider and protector of the family. Women must give themselves up to their husbands and children, being the nurturer and caregiver, being the mother and homemaker. Families are formed by the mutual self-sacrifice of the husband and wife. This is what society is built on. It's what economics is built on. It is beautiful
Profile Image for Amy.
2,745 reviews534 followers
Shelved as 'not-going-to-finish'
June 3, 2022
My descent from "this sounds interesting!" to "what was this doing on my to-read list?" to "oh gosh, this is horrible. At least I'll get a good one-star review out of it" to "this is trash and I refuse to read another line" took all of 47 pages.
Profile Image for Brian.
336 reviews21 followers
September 25, 2011
The negative of this book for todays reader is that this book was written as an expanded version of a book he wrote called Sexual Suicide from 1973, this book was published in 1986. To pretend people are the same today as they were 25-35 years ago is a stretch, but there are many things that never really change and that we call human nature.

What this book points out is that sexual promiscuity is the root cause on most of the downfalls in all societies. Men for the most part are providers, & protectors, the need to be those things are strong and when a women allows sexual intercourse to happen without marital commitment it is too easy for the man to remain irresponsible and in many cases become all the things that place undo drag on society.

There is a negative placed on the feminist movement in this book and shows in his opinion what it has done to females, trying to make them more like males. Gilder takes to task the liberators showing why he thinks it is wrong to mess with what he calls the sexual constitution.

There are many important issues discussed about the alliances between men and women, sex, the welfare state, biological differences etc. I came away from this book with many feelings of concern for our hedonistic culture but ultimately I know God is in control. As people remain in prideful destructive patterns of behavior it is those who have made wise choices that will sometimes suffer the consequences along with the unwise because we are often times linked through families, jobs, sports, church, or as taxpayers.
Profile Image for ValeReads Kyriosity.
1,243 reviews182 followers
September 19, 2023
An insightful exploration of what the world used to know were plain truths. Gilder whiffs it here and there, such as with his evolutionary assumptions, but overall full of astute observation, sound reasoning, common sense (not so common these days), and clear definitions and delineations (which many readers seem determined to miss). I had to skip ahead a couple of times when he got into certain topics, but that's just me finding some things hard to bear.
Profile Image for Jake McAtee.
162 reviews31 followers
June 15, 2021
“ . . . as with all entrepreneurs, the odds are against them. But all human progress . . . depends on an entrepreneurial willingness to defy the odds. It is in the nuclear family that the most crucial process of capitalist defiance and faith is centered.
“Here emerge the most indispensable acts of capital formation: the psychology of giving, saving, and sacrifice, in behalf of an unknown future, embodied in a specific child—a balky bundle of possibilities which will yield its social reward even further into time than the most foresighted business plan. In this venture, few mothers—and no societies—can succeed without enlisting the fathers.
“Marriage is the key to the connection of fathers to this central process in the creation of life and the production of wealth. The golden rule and perennial lesson of marriage is: Give and you will be given unto. It is the obvious message of motherhood. But societies thrive only to the extent that this maternal wisdom becomes as well the faith of the fathers.”
Profile Image for Peter Jones.
576 reviews103 followers
December 4, 2015
A really great book that was prophetic in so many ways. He addresses sodomy, broken homes, divorce, poverty, women in combat, and other sexual/gender issues. His chapter on combat alone is worth the book as he sees a future (my revised version was from 1989) where women are sent to the front lines of battle. He also understands that when a pattern of monogamy breaks down women suffer. God uses marriage to women to restrain men and their barbaric tendencies. When this is removed society becomes a disaster and women pay.

I would love to see an updated version of a this book or a book like it. He cites a lot of statistics and studies. I would enjoy seeing some of the more recent studies on things like divorce, poverty, sodomy, etc. incorporated into a book with similar themes.
Profile Image for Dan.
79 reviews
October 11, 2014
This book is probably too politically incorrect to be written today, but that doesn't mean its lessons are any less timely than they were in the mid-1980s. Despite Gilder's conception of gender roles in society, his main thesis that it is the women who make civilization by taming men somehow sounds fresh.

Of course all this sounds ridiculous to radicals because all they think about is external power. They see a few old men at the helm of major institutions in society and call it a patriarchy, failing to realize that their sort of power is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. What makes civilization possible in the first place are the needs and wants of women and children. A man will only become tame and build for the future when he knows he can have a place in it with the woman he loves and the children he is assured are his. Otherwise he will do whatever he can to fulfill baser desires, lust and wanderlust, with ever growing frustration and futility. He will most likely join the ranks of radical and violent movements seeking to overturn the civilization that no longer has any need of him. The history of dying societies from the ancient Romans to the formation of groups like al Qaeda attests to what Harvey Mansfield calls "unemployed manliness," or male frustration run amok.

Much of what Gilder has to say is bound to be misinterpreted, misrepresented, and misunderstood. Of course there are exceptions to his generalizations, great big ones in fact. Wives are not to become slaves to their husbands; in fact Gilder shows they have greater power over men than they know. Gilder is no MGTOW, as he is trying to bring the sexes together, not drive them apart. Although some of his arguments regarding homosexuality are a bit dated, and he waxes a bit too poetic for my tastes near the end, his central idea makes a lot of sense.
Profile Image for Brandon H..
555 reviews59 followers
December 11, 2023
Well, this was a thought-provoking and deeply controversial book! The author reminded me of the prophets. I was surprised at how much of his predictions have come to pass in our society since this was written. And I'm also surprised our society hasn't stoned him yet. That's not to suggest I agree with everything he says or everything he puts forth is gospel. But I do believe he hit the bullseye on a number of important issues and it speaks to why our society in America is suffering and why dark clouds have been forming on the horizon.

On a side note, it's a shame some reviewers gave up on this book so quickly. There are some important lessons within these pages that would greatly benefit them and our society and the future generations. If only people would have an open mind to consider some view points that are different from the popular ones that are heralded from every corner of our culture 24/7 we might see real progress toward a brighter future and happier relationships.
Profile Image for Caleb Powers.
Author 2 books72 followers
August 16, 2023
Good book. A few of his observations seem to place too much faith in secular anthropology, but most of his arguments here are sound, if slightly overstated at points.
Profile Image for Thomas Carpenter.
113 reviews9 followers
September 13, 2023
I really debated whether I’d go 3/5 or 4/5 on this one. The bulk of the book is killer, just really solid sociology of men, women, and the effects of our sexual actions. I decided to go with four because I think the good data far outweighs the bad, as I’d only give negative comment on three chapters.

My only gripe is his opening chapter (essentially the way he frames it all). Which is, in my opinion, problematic and conflicts with someone like Michael Foster, another Canon author. Men and women both need civilizing (that is, sanctification), not just men, and men don’t get it from women, rather both from God. And as Foster’s point of emphasis says, it’s good to be a man. Men are valuable of themselves to God, and they can actually find their mission and must head that direction *before* finding a woman. Mission, then marriage. For the most part, I think you can actually just ignore his framing of things and still get the data. I have a few nitpicky things, but they’re not worth anybody else’s time. Great book.
Profile Image for John Rimmer.
322 reviews4 followers
December 15, 2023
Reading this book reminded me of math class. It isn't enough to arrive at the right answers. You have to arrive at them the right way. If I were Mr. Gilder's math teacher I would mark most of the conclusions of his book as correct, but would fail him because the methods he uses to arrive at them are all wrong. He's correct, because he's brilliant, but he's wrong for the same reasons.

Humanistic sociology, evolutionary biology, and deterministic behaviorism somehow gets you to the same conclusions as special creation, the imago dei, and the descriptions and prescriptions of Scripture. Weird. Because most who use the former methods tend to use them specifically to depart from the latter's clear depictions of men and women.

That said, I think there are a lot of great things in this book. I enjoyed it very much. I can see its seminal influence in many books that came later. My main issue is that he cuts his own legs off by grounding everything in thin air, utilitarian arguments, or common sense. That might have been enough back when this book was first written, but such approaches have had time to go to seed in recent days and the fruit is found much wanting (the natural law pro-life movement for instance).
Profile Image for Tyler Williams.
17 reviews
February 21, 2024
“The crucial process of civilization is the subordination of male sexual impulses and biology to the long-term horizons of female sexuality.” (pg. 3)

This book was not at all what I was expecting it to be, and I can say I am so grateful for that. Each chapter was thought-provoking and filled with wisdom. Gilder asserts that the crucial fact of civilization is the difference between the sexes. He explains that masculinity is not only good, but necessary for a thriving society. He details the disastrous outcomes of the sexual revolution upon the children, marriages, the military, the economy, the workplace, the welfare system, schools, and so much more.

Society needs men just as it needs families, and it cannot have good, functioning families without strong men who are sacrificial, supportive, hard-working, loving, and faithful.

I loved reading this book. I intend to re-read this book next year… hopefully. There is a lot to reflect on and take in here. It’s definitely not light reading but it is so much fun.

I strongly recommend this book. Don’t let the Canon Press logo push you away. This book will not disappoint you, I promise.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
Profile Image for Will Dole.
303 reviews5 followers
September 27, 2023
I have once or twice in my life been accused of hyperbole, and at risk of that happening again, let me describe this book: Revelatory.

I didn't agree with every line, and a few parts are dated. But the crux of the argument is clear: young men will either submit themselves to the needs of female sexuality and thus to long-term productive work and family formation, or they will destroy everything around them (either through mis-directed aggressiveness, or through complacency).

It is a controversial and provocative thesis, even more so in 2023 than in 1986. Our culture can either learn the lessons of nature and Scripture, or we can reap the whirlwind. Well, we're already in the midst of the whirlwind. Books like this are a link back to sanity.

I listened to the audio version, definitely going to pick up a hard copy for future reference.
Profile Image for Logan Thune.
133 reviews5 followers
May 14, 2021
Anthropology and sociology on fire. A book best read by mature adults. Would recommend for pastors to read as well. Good on so many levels, with a few quirks.
Profile Image for Abbi.
62 reviews
February 1, 2021
This book was quoted several times in another book I read, so I felt compelled to read it, also. Even though it was penned awhile ago and not written from a Christian worldview, the insights into the destruction that the feminist movement has had on manhood (and womanhood and culture, in general) were surprisingly on point. Should the author publish an update, the statistics would be staggering. As the wife of one husband and as the mother of two sons, I care deeply about how culture assaults and fails to esteem biblical manhood.
Profile Image for Jacob.
34 reviews9 followers
October 13, 2016
Every once in a while, you read a book that changes the way you look at the world. This book was that worldview-changing text for me. It capped off 4 years of struggle to find meaning in the toxic ideologies of academia and at last allowed me to forever distance myself from that strange world.

George Gilder's book attributes most of the ills of western society to the collapse of the modern family. Over 200 pages he details the importance of marriage in socializing men and covers a variety of the failures caused by the war on that once-sanctified institution. Gilder provides suggestions for how to reverse this decline, but to most observers it will seem unlikely that any of them will be even entertained in the current political climate. Even so, Gilder's work is not devoid of hope: even if the rest of the world cannot be convinced to reconsider its abandonment of the family, individual men and women can make the choice to pursue the lifestyle that will provide them the greatest fulfillment and give their children the best chance at a good life.
Profile Image for Heather Denigan.
172 reviews14 followers
October 16, 2011
"It's all in Gilder." This is a really cool study of how men and women work; the way they view their work; their roles in society; their relationships with each other, with their children and families, with their community, with authority; what motivates a man vs. what motivates a woman. It's a satisfying analysis too: Gilder doesn't skim over things with psychobabble. Anyway, I've been able to apply Gilder's insights to current events, the unfolding lives of the people around me, my own family, books and movies, as well as generational trends.
108 reviews1 follower
January 5, 2015
I read this book 25 years ago, but decided to re-read especially given the state of our current culture. I agree with almost everything he says. As a nation, we have become so focused on our individual desires that we don't consider how those individual desires can tear apart the fabric of a society. Just because you want something, doesn't make it right. We need to consider how we are designed as male and female and how best to serve that design instead of trying to deny it.
Profile Image for Luke Deacon.
114 reviews8 followers
June 12, 2021
Fantastic book. What makes men men and women women? What forms the basis of civilisation and culture? Why is monogamous marriage the absolute best thing for any society? Gilder takes his readers on a biological, statistical, and sociological exploration of men and women. Our current culture desperately needs to read books like this one.
Profile Image for Makenzie .
20 reviews1 follower
November 9, 2023
This is a must-read for every recovering feminist. Whether you are married or not, this book is essential to understanding and respecting masculinity. Men and Marriage will be a part of my yearly rotation of important books to reread.
72 reviews1 follower
January 31, 2024
This is one of those books that contains so many weighty and deep observations that it utterly blows my mind that I only first heard of it like six months ago, and that men / husbands everywhere do not straightaway recommend it for some mental scaffolding to help the average person understand Men, and Marriage.

Before I go on, I should mention that Gilder was not a Christian when he wrote this book, so it is unfortunately rife with comments made according to the laughable fiction of evolutionary theory. The mature reader can recognise these places, chew them, and spit out the bones.

Men. Men are very different from women, and they fit into society very differently than women do. They also grow and find masculine identity differently. I had *never* heard anyone get into the details of this so insightfully as Gilder.

Marriage. Marriage is a covenantal union that is truly fundamental to civilisation, and Gilder explains that masterfully. If men's wild nature rules society, the structures for knowing and identifying with children are not present, and it is these relationships that let men remain connected to the future -- through their children. If men's wild nature is exiled from society, they prowl around as resentful barbarians, stunting any possible economic or societal progress, and failing to enter into long term relationships with women. Ive simplified that down very greatly, but that's part of what he explains.

I really must stress that he says many morally wrong things in this book, but data is data, and worldview only explains data, it doesn't change it. Read this book, but don't read it uncritically.

Oh yeah-- this book will be tough to read if you cherish any modern or feminist ideas about the nature of men, women, work, society or marriage.

Still read it!
Profile Image for Christopher.
614 reviews
April 20, 2024
All biblical Christians at baseline understand and largely follow biblical law. However, they may or may not understand why God's law is good or what happens when a society's moral ballast erodes. Enter Gilder, who has a good eye and is able to clearly show that God's law isn't (as the joke goes) "Just a good idea, it's the Law."

Importantly, I do think the modern critics of this book have a point. Gilder is not a Christian and it shows in multiple places. One of his most central, glaring errors is that he identifies "female" sexuality" as, basically, God's law and male sexuality as the opposite, a kind of dissolute, roving, rootless debauchery.* While I understand what he's getting at, this really is a category error, and it caused him to say several wacky things, especially towards the beginning of the book.

The book is sprawling, covering multiple topics with various levels of quality and worthwhileness. Many chapters were gold, many were good, when you filtered out some of the off-kilter thinking, and some were a bit dull and/or felt unnecessary. Another bonus was that, as the book is fairly old, I personally found a lot of historical interest in it too. An example would be a chapter on the collapse of sex-segregated schools, reminding me that that was something society did on purpose (for good and ill) and that it isn't a given. So all told, I'm glad to have read it, believe many people could profit from reading it, and also don't find my enthusiasm to match the general tenor of the "this was amazing!" crowd.

*Oddly, this fundamental category error is put on display in a lot of this book's promotional material. i.e. "The prime fact of life is the sexual superiority of women."
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