Florida Students Reveal What They Learned In Sex Ed

With the State of Florida imposing broad new limits on how issues of gender and sexuality may be taught in school, The Onion asked Florida students what they learned in their sex ed classes, and this is what they said.

“No race-mixing.”

“That I am asking for it!”

“Boys have penises and girls have vaginas, and anyone who questions the absoluteness of that statement should be murdered.”

“Our teacher made sure we understood that the idea of consent is all about plausible deniability.”

“That the weakest point of entry when going to shoot up a Planned Parenthood is the back entrance.”

“Sperm is agony.”

“Sex is when the man rips off his penis and throws it at a woman, who then swallows it whole so it can go down into her stomach and grow into a baby.”

“Don’t tell anyone.”

“The instructor was forced to teach us about gender from behind a thick black curtain with voice distortion.”

“Women have something called boobs.”

“I was told it was illegal for me to not show my midriff to my dad’s friends.”

“You can only get AIDS from certain races of people.”

“That the parts of the vagina are none of my concern.”

“If you got some H, you can trade that for some strange if you find the right park.”

“I was repeatedly told by my sex ed, calculus, history, and Spanish teachers that 17 is legal—whatever that means.”

“The man takes out his penis and then God’s enormous hand gently guides it into the woman.”

“They had us all learn responsibility by taking turns caring for a baby that our classmate had.”

“Babies! That’s what these fuckers popping out of me are called! Cool to have a name for them finally.”

“The medically accurate term for female breasts is bazonkers.”

“Penis goes in but never comes out.”

“It wasn’t too bad. The girls just broke off from the boys into a separate group and then our teacher called us all whores.”

“Apparently in a free market, a penis will naturally find the woman’s G-spot and bring her to full economic satisfaction.”

“The daily, mandatory genital checks have kind of numbed me to the whole idea of sexuality, to be honest.”

“My sex ed class was mostly just my teacher telling us she had a miscarriage and then crying for 45 minutes until the bell rang.”

“I was sent to state prison for asking what a clitoris is.”

“One of my professors in my sex ed PhD program taught me the history of putting on a condom.”

“I was taught that something is very, very wrong if I’m experiencing any pleasure.”

“That 10 angels die for every drop of semen I lose.”

“They assigned me to a 55-year-old husband named Jeff, and we’ve been married ever since.”

“I learned that my very existence is part of the devil’s plan to tempt my teacher into acting on his desires.”

“That you can just call her a lying slut in court and your case will be dismissed.”

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