Trump’s Missing Jan. 6 Phone Logs

Calls advisors to ask if it time to switch to anonymous burner phone.

Repeated attempts to contact Jeffrey Epstein.

Calls AT&T to ask how to get rid of phone logs.

Breathes heavily while Ivanka demands to know who’s calling.

Obscene phone call to D.C. resident selected at random.

Trump politely informed by Fox News executive for fifth time that they can’t just air Hannity whenever he wants.

Text to Mike Pence to see if anyone has hanged him yet.

Call to GrubHub customer service regarding missing side of sweet ‘n’ sour.

Calls Barron to tell him Kathy Griffin is beheading him again.

Usual weekly check-in with therapist.

Demands National Guard get to Capitol and join riot.

Attempts to SWAT Obama.

Call to Marla Maples taking back all those horrible things he said, all of it, because he can see now that sometimes it takes a journey to know where your heart truly belongs, and it’s with her, Marla Maples.

Dials random number to avoid talking to Mark Meadows when he enters the room.

Begs Ivanka to please stop fucking Rudy Giuliani.

Unable to reach Ashli Babbitt.

Berates Eric. Later insists this call be reinserted into record.

Calls Melania to check if she still has his number blocked.

Quick call to Minority Leader McCarthy to see if Pence dead yet.

Holds emergency conference call with the Rockettes.

Attempts to call into Wheel Of Fortune with ideas for younger broads who should replace Vanna White.