Georgians Explain Why They Are Voting For Herschel Walker

“I like a candidate who understands what it’s like to not understand a goddamn thing.”

“I like his moderate stance on whether it’s okay to hold a gun to your wife’s head.”

“I don’t want to have voting access anymore, and if I keep voting Republican, I won’t.”

“As a woman, mother, and daughter in Georgia, I give any candidate who allegedly abused their ex-wife a big old thumbs-up.”

“FOOTBALL!!!”

“If I vote for him, maybe he’ll finally recognize me as his biological son.”

“Repeated blows to the head have allowed that man to channel one of the most hateful political agendas I have ever had the honor of bearing witness to.”

“Pretty sure he said the word ‘God’ a couple of times.”

“Walker has 8,225 rushing yards in the NFL. Meanwhile, Warnock has, what, four, five thousand? No comparison there.”

“He’s really big, and I think he could easily pick me up and lift me over his head, and I like to feel tiny.”

“I like covering myself in honey, going out into a forest, and lying still in a clearing. Animals of all kinds will come up to lick you, after they realize you’re not a threat and just a sweet vehicle for honey, of course. It tickles and feels good. Anyway, I just vote straight-party every time.”

“I needed a quick and easy rebuttal to blurt out every time I’m called a racist.”

“At this point, I’m going to avoid voting for a candidate who insists he’ll do good things but then doesn’t, and just go right to the guy who seems confident he’s going to suck. It’s easier.”

“His incoherent ramblings on the issues really speak to me.”

“HERSCHEL WILL RELEASE ME INTO THE WORLD. RISE, HERSCHEL, SO THAT I AND MY UNBORN HORDES WILL BE ABLE TO ZOOM OUT THE WOMB AND WALK THIS EARTH FOREVER.”

“As far as senators go, CTE is about as good as Alzheimer’s.”

“I just switch back and forth from Democrat to Republican every election to keep things fair.”

“The voting machines are programmed to automatically add 20,000 votes to anyone who won a Heisman at Georgia.”

“Like Reagan, he has an IMDB page.”

“Anything to get me away from those fucking insane lunatics in Washington.”

“He’s a big, strong athlete capable of making my pathetic husband feel inadequate anytime he appears on TV.”

“Big volleyball fan.”

“He looks like the guy from the top of the trophy!”

“He’s an unapologetic, impulsive man of aggressive action and has the domestic abuse allegations to prove it.”

“I’m voting for the ‘Guys Who Want Me Dead’ ticket.”

“He’s living proof of the American dream of running a grift while having a personality disorder.”